1. Jose Mourinho has been offered Martin Jol's job at Light Weight Lane, but turned it down claiming "I'm not that fucking special"
3. Royal Mail have just recalled their latest selection of stamps, featuring pictures of Jose Mourinho on them. Apparently people were confused which side to spit on.
5. What is the difference between Jose Mourinho and God ?
God doesn't think he's Jose Mourinho.
7. A man and his son were at the breakfast table when the father spots something in the paper.
"Van Gough sold for £8 million", he says shaking his head.
"Is he worth it dad?"
Impressed that his boy is taking an interest in fine art, the father says, "I suppose so son. Why do you ask?"
"Well it's just that Mourinho paid more than that for Andrei Shevchenko - and he's shit".
8. What would you get if Chelsea were relegated ?
40,000 more Man United fans.
9. Have you heard the news that Chelsea FC are getting a new sponsor? It is going to be Viagra, It's the only way they can get past a semi.
10. Why can't you get a cup of tea at the Bridge? All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Old Trafford.
11. Missing: 1 x Bottle
Last Seen: 21st May, Moscow
If found please return to: John Terry, Stamford Bridge, London
12. Heard about the John Terry tyre? Excellent durability but not so good in the wet.
13. John Terry always listens to the same song before a game - Born Slippy.
14. Did you hear about the new 'Chelsea Bra'? Lots of support but no cups.
15. Frank Lampard and Joe Cole were allegedly spotted out in Red Square last night, having clearly had one or two drinks. They were reportedly singing: "We're forever blowing Doubles."
16. John Terry is going to start making is own brand of vodka - and like him it's bottled in Russia.
17. After Ryan Giggs lifted the Champions League cup for a second time he had a peek inside and there was a Chocolate Orange in it. He said - "It's not Terry's, it's mine!"
18. Samaritans are offering counselling to all Chelsea fans. Call 0800 101010 – that’s 08000 won nothing won nothing won nothing.
19. And If that line gets too busy there is another number to call: 0800 6-5 6-5 6-5.
20. John Terry has fuelled speculation that he will join West Ham this summer by being overheard singing "I'm forever blowing doubles."
21. Four surgeons are taking a coffee break:
1st surgeon says "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon says "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is colour coded."
4th surgeon says "I prefer Chelsea fans. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arse's are interchangeable."
22. Unconfirmed reports from stamford bridge say that Chelsea will be releasing a new record at the end of the week, "I'm forever blowing Doubles"
23. Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:
"Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan."
So, one of them asked the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"
24. Q. Two Chelsea fans Paul and Danny jump off a cliff. Which one hits the ground first?.
A. Who gives a Fuck!
25. Q: What do you get when you cross a Chelsea Fan with a pig?
A: I don't know, there are some things a pig just won't do.
26. Q: How do you define 144 Chelsea fans
A: Gross Stupidity
27. Q: Why did Chelsea go on the stock exchange?
A: To prove that crap can float.
28. Q: What is the difference between Drogba and a mini?
A: A mini can only carry three passengers.
29. Q. Why do Chelsea fans whistle whilst sitting on the toilet?
A. So they know which end to wipe!
30. I've heard that Stamford Bridge has arguably the best pitch in the Premiership. Well...not entirely surprising considering all the shit that has been on there.
31. Q: What's the difference between a Chelsea supporter and an Onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up a Chelsea fan!
32. Q: What do Chelsea keepers and singer Michael Jackson both have in common?
A: Both wear gloves for no apparent reason.
33. Q: What would you get if Newcastle were relegated?
A: 50,000 more Chelsea fans
34. Q: How many Chelsea fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One - he holds the bulb and expects the world to revolve around him
35. A man goes into Heathrow Airport and eventually goes into the departure lounge waiting for his flight home to be called. All around him there are overturned tables, upturned chairs, smashed windows, flight monitors broken and crowd control barriers lying on the floor.
"Christ, what's happened here?" he asks one of the ground crew.
"Oh yeah", he replies "Bloody hopeless .... we had the Chelsea players in here this morning filming the new Nike ad".
36. A Chelsea supporter goes to his doctor to find out what's wrong with him.
"Your problem is you're fat, "says the doctor.
"I'd like a second opinion" responds the man.
"OK, you're ugly too" replies the doctor.
37. Chris Sutton - Chelsea
With the present strike force of Mutu, Hasslebaink and Crespo, Chelsea must miss Chris Sutton as much as the striker hit the target – hardly at all.
At the time Chelsea paid Blackburn £10m for the striker, during the summer of 1999, Sutton had enjoyed prolific spells at both Norwich and Rovers and he even got an England cap. However, signing on the dotted line was one of the rare displays of accuracy he showed at Stamford Bridge.
On his debut against Sunderland he showed glimpses of things to come, as he proved to be as lethal a fruit pastel, missing two open goals and failing to put his name to any of Chelsea’s four goals.
10 games in, with no league goals to his name, Sutton chose Man United as the team he’d break his duck against. Unfortunately, the fact that Chelsea scored five that night meant that Sutton’s goal stood out as much as a Man U fan in Singapore.
However, a maiden goal is a maiden goal. Was Sutton about to open the floodgates? The phrase ‘Does the Pope crap in the woods?’ springs to mind. That goal was the only one that Sutton scored in his 28 Premiership games for Chelsea, a return that makes Emile Heskey look like Thierry Henry.
In fact, his performances were so tragic that Chelsea gave him the biggest insult possible by dropping him to centre-back near the end of the season – well, he’d spent most the year earning the opposition clean sheets.
Having managed as many red cards as league goals, Sutton’s solitary season at Stamford Bridge ended when Chelsea gratefully accepted a cut-price £6m for the prolific not-shot. However, Sutton’s barren spell in London hit him so bad that he decided to retire from the professional game and he is now said to be enjoying Sunday League football in Scotland with Celtic.
Chris Sutton… we salute you!