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Zodiac Jokes

Cars and zodiac signs: What would the signs drive?
Aries: Something fast... and red!
Taurus: A volvo
Gemini: Car? you mean two cars.
Cancer: A family car
Leo: A limo.. with a chauffeur
Virgo: An economic car. Virgo will have it clean and neat and ready to drive everyone everywhere.
Libra: Will not be able to make a choice and will end up riding with friends.
Scoprio: something in a dark color.. fumed windows. No one will know what it looks like inside
Sagiattrius: What car? The Sag is on a plane right now.
Capricorn: A mercedes benz..
Aquarius: The waterbearer takes buses and subways. Cars are for snobby people.
Pisces: Doesn't matter. Pisces will always be too stoned to remember the partking spot.

How the Twelve Signs Deal with Near Death Experiences:

ARIES: "Who's in charge here? I'd like to see God right now, please. Am I dead? Gee, I never thought that could happen to me! Where can I get a crystal palace backlit with white light like that one?"

TAURUS: Leaving the body, Taurus realizes that he or she no longer has a stomach and immediately returns to the body (thud!), without seeing tunnels, light, God, etc., making Taurus skeptical for the rest of his or her life.

GEMINI: The key thing to the zodiacal twins isn't the experience itself, but how they can embellish it when telling the story (or writing about it). Since Geminis are comfortable in all worlds, except those without telephones, they usually bounce back to the body fairly rapidly-- and the mouth tends to work before the rest of the body comes back to life.

CANCER: Cancerians can live to be 125 years old, and they don't usually have near death experiences, but they can come awfully close to having a near life experience when they get brave and venture out of their house for "supplies."

LEO: "Nooooooo, I am NOT dead. I am not, I am not, I am not . . . Who are those guys in the white robes? What's that they're singing . . . ? They're off key. I can sing better than that! Where's the choir director? I need a microphone immediately. Unless it's Rolling Stone or Spin, hold my calls."

VIRGO: Working a marathon 60 hours straight, Virgo collapses and leaves the body. She moves through that delightfully clean and sparkling tunnel of light, occasionally reflecting upon possible improvements . . . but soon becomes so worried by the thought of her loved ones "managing" without her that she snaps back into the body like white lightning, sits up, and calmly pronounces herself alive, glancing at her watch.

LIBRA:  Floating out of the body, then in, then out, then in, and finally out again . . . Libra sees a tunnel and a vibrant being of light at the other end. "Wow, is that Jesus? Wait a minute, maybe it's Kwan Yin. That looks like something she'd wear." Never deciding whether to go through the tunnel (after all, what's death without someone to share it with?) Libra ends up back in the body by default, hounded by a mysterious compulsion to start a dating service for discarnate souls.

SCORPIO: Since most Scorpios have nine lives, they tend to brainstorm different ways to trigger the near death experience. Once nearly dead, most can barely get to the end of the tunnel without meeting some being with whom they have astral sex. When asked whom they prefer to greet them on the other side, 75% name a favorite vampire, and Medusa is a strong contender.

SAGITTARIUS:  Sag floats out of her body and has to laugh at the stupid way she bought the farm. After somehow BREAKING the tunnel of light, she absolutely refuses to return to the body, since she's been trying to get out of it for all these years (via clumsy accidents). Because Sag is immensely curious about whether the so-called organized religious have any validity at all, this stroke of luck leads to some amaaaaaazing lessons, until, alas, the astral folks tire of her and trick her into returning to Earth for the duration.

CAPRICORN: It might take Capricorn a little while to realize he's dead because there are special rooms set up to look like executive offices for newly-dead Goats. A sharp-looking, older gentleman-ghost comes in and gives Cap an instruction manual titled HOW TO PROFIT IN  THE ASTRAL MARKETPLACE, plus a "job evaluation" type assessment of Cap's achievements and mistakes over the lifetime, followed by a pink slip (meaning the body revived). Caps tend to return to their bodies quickly, unable to tolerate non-physical existence for long.

AQUARIUS: Aquarius gets to the pearly gates, sees that heaven isn't run by consensus, and opts for hell, where at least there is an appealing anarchy and rules are made to be broken. Ironically, Aquarian near-death experiences tend to be extremely traditional, i.e., God the Father, St. Peter, the celestial choir and so on (another reason to rebel and opt for hell). Once in the underworld, they bedevil the hell out of Satan and his cronies with their loud and vigorous campaigns for progressive reforms, and are quickly expelled back to the body.

PISCES: For some reason, our Piscean friends barely notice their near death experiences. Instead, during a typical day at the office, many Pisceans report seeing beings with long-suffering expressions on their faces and who patiently tell the Piscean to go back to his or her body.

oliday Shopping by the Zodiac:

An ARIEN will be one of the first to arrive at the mall on Black Friday and, after fighting tooth and nail for a parking space and damaging their car beyond repair, they will shove, kick, bite, scratch, and claw their way to the front of each outrageously long line. Although they may reemerge from the fray a bit worse for the wear, they will be carrying armfuls of shopping bags containing only the best deals...would you expect anything less?

A TAUREAN will sit down in front of his/her computer and complete all of their holiday shopping online in one sitting, as long the room temperature is adjusted exactly to their liking and they have a pint of Ben and Jerry's at arm's reach. However, they will most certainly stop for bathroom breaks if the need arises and will abandon their task as soon as their stomach indicates that it is time for dinner.

A GEMINI

Since their traumatic experience during a Black Friday mall excursion several years ago, a Cancer refuses to leave their home during the entire month of December.

A LEO does not believe it necessary to give presents to their friends...they already have him/her, what more could they possibly want?

A VIRGO will have all of their holiday shopping completed before Thanksgiving (or Halloween if they are really good), but they may continue to shop sporadically throughout the holiday season to secure last-minute details and take advantage of the great sales.

A LIBRA naturally loves the social aspect of the holidays, but she can never decide what to give her friends. Therefore, gift certificates abound...but what store should she buy them from?

A SCORPIO

Although they promised themselves throughout the year that they would limit the number of friends on their gift list as they struggled each month to get out of the debt inflicted by last year's shopping spree, a SAGGITARIAN will inevitably succumb to the "spirit of the holidays" and spend every last penny on holiday cheer.

A CAPRICORN is too immersed in his/her individual financial plan to squander their hard-earned savings on frivolous gifts because of some arbitrary point in the earth's revolution. However, if they deem it to be advantageous for the future of their career, they may splurge on a designer item for their boss--but only if they really want that promotion (they do).

An AQUARIAN believes that the so-called "holidays" are too Christianity based and refuses to participate in the festivities unless all major world religions merge together to create a Great Brotherhood of Universal Peace. He/she spends the entire month of December progressing for social and spiritual reform, and urges their friends to do the same.

A PISCES does not buy or receive any gifts because they believe themselves to be all alone in this world, detached from the rest of humanity because they are the only ones who could possibly understand the true nature of human suffering. They spend Christmas in the company of their finest vintage wine, reading poetry and contemplating the tenuous nature of life.

How Many Members of Your Sign
Does It Take to Change a Lightbulb?

ARIES:  Just one. Wanna make something of it?

TAURUS: Well, I prefer natural light if at all possible. Are you absolutely positive that lightbulb is burned out? I hate to throw it away if it still might be useful.

GEMINI:  Probably one is best, because if there are more than one, they'll get so wrapped up in talking to each other that they'll forget all about the lightbulb.

CANCER: Only one, but three therapists will be needed to help with the grieving process. OR: Only one, as long as his mommy holds his hand.

LEO: Leos do not change their own lightbulbs. They find someone else to do it for them.

VIRGO: 1.11111119873, give or take .00000000000013%.

LIBRA:  Well, I could do it, unless of course you'd prefer to do it, but you look sort of busy right now. What do you want to do?

SCORPIO:  One, from across the room, if they've learned their teleporting lessons well enough.
OR, thanks to one of our website visitors:  None, because Scorpios aren't afraid of the dark.

SAGITTARIUS:  The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got the rest of our lives ahead of us and you're worrying about a stupid light bulb?

CAPRICORN:  I don't have time for these foolish jokes.

AQUARIUS:   Well, you see, energy is really matter and matter is really energy and light is a form of energy but the light bulb is matter, and--

PISCES: What light bulb?

After Sex Comments by Sun Sign:

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"

Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."

Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"

Cancer: "When are we getting married?"

Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"

Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."

Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."

Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."

Sagittarius: "Don't call me--I'll call you."

Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"

Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"

Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"

Condoms of the Zodiac

Aries

Aries is the first sign of the zodiac. Aries are action oriented people. Aries is symbolized by the ram, so naturally Aries condoms are made from the finest lambskin. Because Aries often exhibits a "get up and go" attitude, Aries condoms are steel belted, feature racing stripes, and every fully equipped sports car dispenses them. Onyx packaging is optional for the black sheep.

Aries prides themselves on being first and best. Aries condoms are perfect for quickies. When you want what you want when you want it, you want an Aries condom.

Taurus

Taurus is perhaps the most sensual and economy minded of the astrological signs. Taurus condoms are made from the most luxurious materials with special models available in silk and velvet. Taurus condoms give you quality at an affordable price, and they're frequently on sale.

Taurians may be slow to make their minds, but once they've made a decision, they're almost impossible to stop. When your love is a sure thing, you want a Taurus condom. The bull symbolizes Taurus. Taurus condoms are the ones you want when you're really horny.

Gemini

Geminis are known for their versatility, intellect and communications skills. Accordingly, Gemini condoms accommodate a variety of sexual positions and combinations. Gemini condoms are sold in multi-packs and come with a special audio chip. Naturally, they're available through mail order.

Frequently, Gemini condoms sell two for the price of one. They always come in special pop up dispensers so that you don't have to work too hard. Gemini is the sign of the twins and Gemini condoms come in twin packs and are the preferred model for double headers. When you need to do it more than once, you need Gemini condoms.

Cancer

Cancer is a water sign and as such is very much interested in safety and tradition. Therefore, Cancer condoms are waterproof and heat treated for hot tubs and natural springs. Cancer condoms make you feel secure. Cancer is also the sign of motherhood. With Cancer condoms, if you decide to become a parent, you can always return the unused portion for a partial refund. Cancer condoms are clingy. Never has history know a time when Cancer condoms were not available. Fine antique specimens grace many collections.

Astrologically speaking, Cancer is associated with the breasts. The makers of Cancer condoms are happy to sponsor the annual spring "Breast Worship Rituals." Cancer condoms are freely dispensed to beautiful, large breasted women. Cancer is symbolized by the crab. When you're not getting enough love and are starting to feel crabby, reach for an Cancer condom.

Leo

Leos are known for their passion, pride, and (pro)creative urges. Leos tend to be a bit flashy, showy and original in and out of bed. Leo condoms come in gold foil packaging with custom monogramming. Leo condoms come in one size: extra, extra large.

Leo is symbolized by the lion. When you're ready to meet your mate and make wild jungle noises, you're ready for a Leo condom.

Virgo

Virgos are fussy and particular. Virgo condoms feature perfection of fit and they keep you neat and clear. Virgo tend to be environmentally sound consumer types. Naturally, Virgo condoms have the lowest failure rate, the highest performance rating and come equipped with a detailed, all purpose instruction manual.

Virgo is symbolized by the virgin. When you're ready for some ritualized defloration activities, you're ready for a Virgo condom.

Libra

Libras are suave and anxious to please others. Libra condoms are the fancy European models and come in fashionable hand-painted designer packaging. Libra condoms make for an elegant accessory on the best dates. Libra condoms are aesthetically pleasing to both partners. They are reversible and can turn into a diaphragm thus sharing the responsibilities.

Libra is symbolized by the scales. When sex weighs heavily on your mind, you want a Libra condom.

Scorpio

Scorpio condoms outsell all others. That's probably because people try to impress each other with their sexual prowess by pretending that they're a Scorpio. The truth is that no right thinking Scorpio would get caught dead wearing a condom. But then death doesn't scare a Scorpio. And a Scorpio doesn't get caught.

Scorpio condoms come in two editions, basic black and the stealthy invisible model. Both leather and studs are optional. Also, because propriety concerns Scorpio, each package of Scorpio condoms comes with a pre-printed, pre-coital agreement. Symbolized by the venomous Scorpion, when you really want to sting your lover, you want a Scorpio condom.

Sagittarius

Sagittarians are known for their worldly pursuits, gamesmanship, cosmopolitan attitude and knack for doing things in a big way. Sagittarian condoms are the sportier models. They come equipped with travel cases.

Sagittarian condoms are the ones that go with you and grow with you. They promise a lot and they are extra thick to protect against fluids of a dubious nature. The archer symbolizes Sagittarius. When you want to be on target with Cupid's arrows, you want a Sagittarius condom.

Capricorn

Capricorns are known for their longevity, wisdom, practicality, ambition and earthy sensuality. Capricorns tend to be on the conservative side. Capricorn condoms are the most durable, having the longest shelf life. Capricorn condoms are extra strong to last extra long.

With Capricorn condoms, wing tips, pin stripes and brief cases are optional. Be sure to shake them out from time to time, otherwise they go stale. Capricorn is the sign of the mountain goat. When you're horny enough to climb the mountains of love, you want a Capricorn condom.

Aquarius

Aquarians are gregarious, yet aloof. Aquarius is a high energy sign and one that is usually politically correct. Aquarian condoms are just a little bit kinky. They come colored hot pink and electric blue, and they come with a battery pack to light up in the dark and French ticklers for extra stimulation.

With Aquarius condoms, the packaging features political slogans such as the MiXXe Maxim, "Things can change overnight; it depends upon how late you stay up and with whom doing what." Since Aquarius is a social sign. Aquarian condoms come in multi-packs and are detachable to share with your friends. Aquarius is the sign of the water bearer. When your love juices really get to flowing, you want an Aquarius condom.

Pisces

Pisces is known for their deep feelings that somewhat border on mysticism. Pisces are idealistic, sometimes to the point of ecstatic bliss. Pisces condoms are truly extra sensitive and translucent. Little spikes are optional on the inside.

Pisces condoms contain special instructions for erotic fantasy games. Pisces is the sign of the fishes. When it smells like love and you're on a seafood diet, you want a Pisces condom.

 

SUN SIGN PRAYERS JUST FOR FUN

ARIES:  "Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!"

TAURUS: "Dear God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET."

GEMINI:   "Yo God...(or is it Goddess?)...Who are you?...What are you?.....Where are You?.....How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!"

CANCER:  "Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much, but you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners."

LEO:  "Hi, Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your kid!"

VIRGO:  "Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don't screw it up like you did the last time."

LIBRA:  "Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?"

SCORPIO:  "Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the bastards don't deserve it."

SAGITTARIUS:  "OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL-LOVING, ALL-POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES --- HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!!"

CAPRICORN:  "Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway."

AQUARIUS:  "Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!"

PISCES:  "Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory."

Which pet would go best with each sign?

Aries: ­ Anything, as long as it's got a lot of energy!

Taurus: ­ A turtle: it's slow-moving, doesn't need a lot of attention, and won't compete with its owner for food.

Gemini: A talking parrot; need I say more? Well, of course I do, but--

Cancer: ­ Anything, as long as it needs to be nurtured.

Leo: ­ A big, bold, ferocious feline, as long as it doesn't compete with its owner's place in the sun.

Virgo: ­ Let's see, I have to get up at 7:30 to feed it, let it out at 7:45, at 10:00 I need to go to the grocery store to pick up three cans of food, which will cost $3.86, including tax--

Libra ­: Hm, good question. One the one hand, a dog is active, affectionate, and companionable. On the other hand, a cat is pretty independent and won't require as much time and attention. Oh, I don't know. What would you do? Are you sure?

Scorpio: ­ A cat. Secretive, mysterious, and unpredictable. What's not to like?

Sagittarius: ­ A horse, of course! Let¹s hope it's got enough stamina to keep up with me.

Capricorn: Do I have to pay for it?

Aquarius ­: A hamster. First, I've got to set up a detailed cage with tubes going from here to here, and an energy sensor--they don't make anything like that? That's okay, I'm sure what I come up with will be much better.

Pisces : Fish. When their owner forgets about them for weeks on end, they're easy to replace. If Pisces remembers to replace them...

Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?

Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.

Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one Arian, but an awful lot of light bulbs. (*smash*)

Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so...

Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: A hundred, but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring light to the world.

Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop asking me to do all your work for you? I'm, like, really totally sick and tired of you asking me questions.

Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!

Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: A Cancerian would worry herself to death with the problem

Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs --- unless they're a legitimate business expense.

Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb? A: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn out again tomorrow anyway

Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two, but the job never gets done --- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two (of course) but it will take all week and when they're done the light bulb will do your homework, speak French and shine any colour you want from it.

Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. Plus a portable phone, an Internet link and a copy of the "Bluffer's Guide to Changing Lightbulbs.

Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: A Leo would order somebody else to change it.

Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.

Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out

Q: How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Well gee, I don't know really. I guess it depends on the bulb and where it burned out. It might perhaps take just one if it's just an ordinary bulb, but maybe two if the person doesn't know where to find a new light bulb, or perhaps ...

Q: How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?

Q: How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Er, two. Or maybe one. No --- on second thoughts, make that two. Is that okay with you?

Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: only the inner light matters.

Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Huh? The light's out?

Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Lightbulb? What lightbulb

Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room long enough for them to give the bulb a quarter turn apiece.

Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?

Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay?

Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None - they'd rather sit in the dark.

Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb? A: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb? A: So who wants to know? Why do *you* want to know? Are you a cop

Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Virgos don't have time to change their own lightbulbs. They're too busy changing them for everyone else.

Q: How many Taureans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burnt out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Q: How many Taureans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: Taureans don't like to change anything.

Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Let's see: One to spot the bulb, one to record the time the bulb burned out and the date it was bought, one to decide who's fault it is the bulb burned out and ask why that brand was chosen in the first place, ten to decide to remodel the house as long as they're changing the bulb

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