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Women Jokes


The Difference Between Small Breasts and Large Breasts

Women with big breasts…

..can get a taxi on the worst days

..have a neat place to carry spare change

..have always been the centre of the arts

..make jogging a spectator sport

..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub

..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie

..always float better

..know where to look first for lost earrings

..rarely lack for a slow dance partner

..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner

Women with small breasts…

..don’t cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public

..always look younger

..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap

..can always see their toes and shoes

..can sleep on their stomachs

..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars

..know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts

..can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle

..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out.

 


Supermarket Checkout

A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price.

She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."

But if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks."

In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"


The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.
#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.
#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. #4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.


I have a frog in the back

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."

"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."

The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night.

She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.

"What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"

 


WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table enjoying her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the front of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after bagging items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a TV remote in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

 


PINCH MY NIPPLES!!

A woman tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk explains that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'.

Suddenly, the lady throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples!!"

The befuddled clerk runs away to get the store manager. The manager goes to the lady and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the lady throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples!!

By now a huge crowd has gathered! In shock, the manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?

In a huff, the woman says, "Because, I Like To Have My Nipples Pinched When I'm Getting Screwed!"

The crowd broke into applause and the lady money was quickly refunded!


Girl comes in for a Checkup

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"


A woman's revenge .. the drink ..

A girl and her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to buy around, she tells him that
she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try.

She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two glasses.
One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.

Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth,
and then drink the lime juice." He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go.

First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth.
Then he takes the lime juice.

T + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.

T + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the color of fresh lime juice.

T + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach and swallows the gunge.

T + 1.5 secs: She whispers in his ear....

"It's called Blowjob revenge"

 


Underwear is Important

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. When the wife returned there was a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.


A Day at the Zoo

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand.

He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

All of a sudden the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says,

"Now, tell Him you have a headache."

 

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© 2008 Paul Kavanagh. All rights reserved.