Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense

Spurs Jokes

Spurs Jokes

1.      Spurs Lifeplan

Need a Pension?... Are you worried about the future? Let's face it, we're not getting any younger and we all have to think about our lavish lifestyles, after our careers are over. Are you over 33? Are you well past your best?
Are you looking for an easy life? Yes? Then You Are Eligible For the Spurs Life Plan!! Spurs pay you £30,000 a week, there's a pointless medical, and no sales person will call (well you might get a shot in the private plane). CALL NOW! There's a FREE house, luxury car and limitless golf at some of England's finest courses.
Don't take our word for it, read these recommendations by some of our satisfied clients;
"When I'm no longer playing, I know my family will be financially secure" Gus, London.
"I recommend the Spurs Life Plan to all my family" Christian, London.
"The Spurs plan supplemented my pension, just when I thought it was too late" Dean R London.
"The generosity of the Spurs plan is unmatched in the world of pension finance. It was the best move we ever made" Jamie and Louise, Essex.
"Even when everyone said I was too old, Spurs were prepared to supplement my pension with an outrageous offer" Mauricio, Buenos Aires.
"Despite being permanently injured, I was still eligible for the Life Plan -year after year" Darren, Watford.
"Tottingham is for me doing it" Ossie, Swindon.
So don't sit there worrying about the future-RELAX-That phone will ring!! Spurs life plan is regulated by D Levy and his pals at the bank, and is funded by the 30,000 who have invested in the "THFC Season Ticket" pyramid scam over the last 10 years.

2.    A tourist is in North London one Saturday and he decides he would very much like to go to a football match, so he asks a man in the street if there are any local matches being played that afternoon.

"Well," replies the man, "the Arsenal ground is very close but they're playing away today. If you feel you really must see a match, the Tottenham ground is not that far away. You go straight down this road and you'll see two queues, a big queue and a small queue.  You should go to the small queue because the big one is for the fish and chip shop.

3.    Osama Bin Laden sent out a new video to prove he was still alive, in it he said SPURS were rubbish recently.
British intelligence dismissed it saying: ''That could have been recorded anytime in the last 8 years''..........

4.    Did you hear how Tottenham has become an all-water stadium?  Someone gave-them a 3-piece suite.

5.    Tottenham are on the internet and they've got a new website. It's called the trophy cabinet. 

6.    A man is sitting in a pub with his Jack Russell dog one Saturday afternoon. The football results are coming up on the television in the corner, "Liverpool 2, Tottenham Hotspur 1," reads the announcer in his normal, rather sedate, voice. Suddenly the Jack Russell dog jumps up and shouts out, "Oh, no, not again." The shocked landlord says, "That's amazing. Why did he say that when the result was announced that Tottenham lost?" "Because he's a Spurs supporter," the dog's owner replies. The landlord then asked what the dog says when Tottenham win a match, to which the man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him three years."

7.    There was once a fanatical Spurs supporter who thought of nothing but football all day long. He talked about football, read about football, watched nothing but football on television and attended matches as often as he possibly could. At last his poor wife could. stand it no longer. One night she said, 'I honestly believe you love Spurs more than you love me!'

'Blimey,' said the fan, 'I love Hartlepool United more than I love you!'

Just in case you missed this - Currently on sale in the Spurs shop

SPURS TABLECLOTHS - Suitable for any occasion but tend to slip down the table after a short time - £4:99

SPURS VIDEOS - All the highlights from the last 20 years action. This 10 min video, including lots of re-runs, is a perfect gift for any fan - £9:99

SPURS BANNERS - Come complete with interchangeable slogans Eg: - "GROSS OUT", "SUGAR OUT", "GRAHAM OUT", "LET ME OUT" etc.. £15:00

"OUR LITTLE HERO" KEYRINGS - Come complete with model of Alan Gilzean (Our Hero) attached. - £0.50p each.

SPURS JOKE BOOK - A MUST for all fans. This 900 page book is full of all the best jokes ever told about the club. - £25:00

SPURS CONDOMS - Come in sizes from "Little Hero" to "BIG LES". Ideal for the pricks in the Paxton Road End. - £0:75p for life-times supply. (3)

SPURS BRA - One for the ladies. This bra, in team colours, comes with good support but no cups- £14:99

SPURS 'LADIES' TOWELS - The 'Darren Anderton' sanitary towel, complete with instructions, "In for a week, Out for a month". - £1:00 each

KEEPER'S GLOVE - A must for any fans at the back of the stand, or near the corner flags to catch any shots our lads may have at goal. £8:99

LEAGUE DIRECTORY - An item for the more discerning fan. This quality publication gives detailed directions to every 'Nationwide' League Ground in the country. A snip at just £25:00

SPURS LIPSTICK - Ideal for kissing goodbye. (To the Premier League, as worn by our players) £0:99p each

BARGAIN BASEMENT - Don't miss the annual clearance sale of players. These come in all ages, (many are free of charge, spares or repairs)

A Tottenham supporter walks past a shop window and notices a video for sale entitled "Tottenham the golden years" The supporter asks the shopkeeper "how much for the cassette mate" the shopkeeper replies "£200" "£200 for a cassette?" says the fan?. "You're having a laugh" "Oh no" the shopkeeper replies "The cassette's only a fiver, but the Betamax player will cost you £195".


8.      Are You Glenn Hoddle?

The scenario - Despite never having won anything in your managerial career you somehow managed to bag the top job with your former club. The fans loved you & you had the full backing of the Board. Now play on ...

Q1 - The board made some transfer funds available but not as much as you would have liked. Did you ...?

a) Surprise everyone with your deep footballing knowledge by unearthing several cheap gems from the Portuguese U21 squad & pick up a couple of skilful Brazilian misfits on frees & by clever man management transform them into team players.

b) Blow the lot on two decent 1st team players to cover the major deficiencies in your team.

c) Scour Eastern Europe for 3rd rate economic migrants & rack up the clubs wage bill by recruiting geriatric has-beens.

Q2 - Your club's record signing - a proven international striker - has failed to gel with your team. Despite looking brilliant alongside his pacey & quick-witted partner when knocking your hated local rivals out of Europe he has failed to deliver when paired with the slow & clumsy strikeforce you currently possess. Did you ...?

a) Try him out alongside the pacey & quick-witted striker your director of football had just managed to sign.

b) Decide he'll never adapt to English football & sell him as soon as possible therefore recouping GBP4-5M you used to buy a striker you do rate.

c) Crush his morale by bringing him on as a substitute then subbing him again when not injured, then stick him in the stiffs until his market value has withered to nothing, before finally sending him to Turkey just as the club is pushing for a place in Europe.

Q3 - Your club had for several seasons, the worst injury problems in the premiership. Did you ...?

a) Get rid of some of the older & more injury prone members of the squad replacing them with players with good injury records & conduct a thorough review of the training & physiotherapy routines at the club to try to get to the root of the problem.

b) Sack the physios & bring in a couple of players as cover.

c) Buy more aged & injury prone players & use it as an excuse for the club's poor performances.

Q4 - Due to injury, your club had a shortage of strikers. Did you ...?

a) Pre-empt the problem by signing a replacement in the transfer window & giving some of your promising youngsters some 1st team experience as second-half substitutes.

b) Hang on to what you've got & hope to ride out the crisis.

c) Get rid of two of your experienced strikers & play a central defender in attack giving you a strikeforce that is slower than a council worker on Bank Holiday overtime. Buy an average Japanese stopper to play in the reserves. On no account give any of the youngsters a look-in.

Q5 - The season ended with a series of humiliating defeats. Team morale was at an all time low & the fans have thrown their season tickets on to the pitch in disgust. Did you ...?

a) Ritually disembowel yourself on the pitch at WHL draping your entrails over the four corner flags.

b) Maintain some vestiges of dignity by apologising to the fans & then departing to a job more suited to your talents like Iraqi Minister of Information.

c) Deny there is any problem. Blame the team's poor performances on bad refereeing, injuries, evil pixies or some such nonsense, and look forward to leading them to relegation next year.

How did you do?
Score 10 pts for a), 3 pts for b) & 0 pts for c).
40 - 50 pts - Pathetic. Your mismanagement & scapegoating abilities are way below that expected at the Lane. Píss off to Newcastle or Leeds where you belong.
20 - 39 pts - Some promise, but you really need to work on your arrogance & disdain. Wearing blinkers & imagining your players covered in excrement might help.
3 - 19 pts - You're almost there! Just a bit more practice ... try telling a handicapped child that God is punishing them because they were Hitler in a former life.
0 pts - Congratulations! You ARE Glenn Hoddle!

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© 2008 Paul Kavanagh. All rights reserved.