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Top 10 Food Jokes

The Top 10 Rejected Campbell's Soup Varieties:

10. Dan Quayle's Harty Potatoe Soop
9. Exorcist Split Pea Soup
8. Matzoh Ball, Ham 'n' Hebrew Alphabet Noodles
7. Wonderbroth!
6. Manhattan Phlegm Chowder
5. Hearty Booger Bonanza
4. Stars 'n' Swastikas
3. Porn Chowder
2. Pigeon 'n' Carp flavored Cup-O-Gruel
... and the Number 1 Rejected Campbell's Soup Variety:
1. Chunky Liver with Fava Beans

The Top 10 Reasons Americans are Overweight:

10. Hey, we get 80 channels of great American TV 24 hours a day,
there's no time to exercise!
9. "Girl Scout Cookie Dough" gets better tasting every year.
8. The colossal failure of "Salad King" drive-thru chain.
7. Doing it just to spite Richard Simmons.
6. Addition of a diet soda does NOT mean your triple bacon
cheeseburger/chili fries combo is a healthy meal.
5. Americans still unconvinced that it's not really butter.
4. Part of our country's defense strategy:
Asses too large to be kicked.
3. Slim Fast shakes taste much better with a scoop of
Ben & Jerry's in 'em.
2. One word: Sprinkles
... and the Number 1 Reason Americans are Overweight:
1. "Did somebody say McDonald's?"

The Top 10 Least-Used Kitchen Appliances:

10. Frigiderriere
9. Doorless Microwave
8. Electric Combination
Slicer/Dicer/Dispose-of-the-Body-in-the-River Machine
7. Glock 9mm Drive-By Salad Shooter
6. Cat Compactor
5. Betty Crocker "EZ" Crystal Meth Cooker
4. Baby's First Microwave
3. Ronco Ice Cream Steamer
2. Popeil's Turkey Baster/Home Enema Kit
... and the Number 1 Least-Used Kitchen Appliance:
1. Frozen Squidsickle Maker

Our Top Ten Rejected Cookbook Titles:

10. Getting Even: Hillary's High-Fat Cookbook
9. Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches for Dummies
8. Bob Vila's Sawdust Cuisine
7. Granny Clampett's "Yer Throwin' Away the Best Parts!" Entrees
6. Mud, Sticks, and Leaves: Cooking with a Four Year Old
5. Cooking with Condiments - An Apartment Dweller's Guide to
Making Something Out of Nothing
4. 101 Ways to Wok Your Dog
3. Everything's Yogurt... Eventually!
2. Lions and Tigers and Beets, Oh My!
... and the Number 1 Rejected Cookbook Title:
1. Newman's Stone: Cooking for Older Gall Bladders

The Top 10 Menu Items at the WWF Theme Restaurant:

10. Knee-Drop Soup
9. Pile Driver Chili
8. RAW! RAW! RAW! Oysters on the half shell
7. The $4.99 Grand Body Slam Breakfast
6. The "WCW": A baby green salad with low-cal vinaigrette
on the side.
5. Chili Con Carnage
4. "Definitely Not Fake!" Crab Salad
3. Hulk Hoagie
2. Jesse The Vegetable Tempura
... and the most popular item at the WWF Theme Restaurant:
1. Mankind's Ear, lightly sauteed with blood, and served on a
loaf of WhoopAss bread

The Top 10 New Slogans for Fast Food Restaurants:

10. Hardee's -- Where our identity crisis is the star.
9. McDonald's -- New cooler coffee!
8. Starbucks -- Now with 0.9% financing on the new Quad Macchiato.
7. KFC -- We're NOT a rap group, dammit!
6. Where's Kanga? Where's Roo? They're charbroiled to satisfy you!
5. Burger King -- Did somebody say, "Give me the damn Whopper and get
Pokemon outta my face?"
4. Jack-In-The-Box -- We put the dot in E.coli.
3. Popeye's -- Buy your chicken from a real cartoon character, not an
animated dead guy.
2. Wendy's -- If Dave doesn't give a rat's ass about his cholesterol,
why should you?
... and the Number 1 New Slogan for Fast Food Restaurants:
1. Taco Bell -- Working around the clock to invent new ways to combine
the same 5 ingredients.

The Top 10 Rejected Planet Hollywood Appetizers:

10. Die Hard Twice-Boiled Lobster
9. Forrest Gumbo
8. Jerry Springer Rolls
7. Demi S'Moores
6. Martin Short Ribs
5. The Meat Formerly Known as Loaf
4. A Fish Called Sushi
3. Armaghetti
2. O.J.'s "Real Killer" Chili
... and the Number 1 Rejected Planet Hollywood Appetizer:
1. Arnold's "It'll Be Back" Bean Soup

The Top 10 Signs You're A Lousy Cook:

10. Your family automatically heads for the table every time they
hear a fire siren
9. Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old"
tastes like.
8. Your son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family
grabs forks and follows him.
7. Your kids favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.
6. You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy
5. Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him
over for dinner.
4. Your kids got suspended from school for trying to smuggle toxic
waste in their lunch bags.
3. Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.
2. No matter what you do to it, the gravy still turns bright purple.
... and the Number 1 Sign You're A Lousy Cook:
1. You burned the house down trying to make jelly.

The Top 10 Pickup Lines Used By Chefs:

10. "Your eyes are like limpid pools of chicken stock."
9. "I know we've just met, but will you marinade me?"
8. "Cumin here often?"
7. "How do you like your eggs? Poached, scrambled, or fertilized?"
6. "Care to come back to my place and kick it up a notch?"
5. "Hey, weren't you in my 'Introduction to Melons' class?"
4. "We've now simmered for the recommended 25 minutes - time to
come to a full boil!"
3. "You're twice as sweet as a creme brulee - and less drippy."
2. "Get the buttah."
... and the Number 1 Pickup Line used by Chefs:
1. "Uh, yeah ... I invented Spaghetti-O's"

The Top 10 Signs the Antichrist is a Vegetarian:

10. Instead of roasting the flesh of infidels, the fires of Hell
are now just used to roast marshmallows.
9. Local organic gardens finding unprecedented crop yield when
planted in a pentagram configuration.
8. The new line of Satan's Own salad dressings ("All after-tax
profits go to Hell").
7. As the apocalypse begins, every Outback Steakhouse is reduced
to a pile of cinders.
6. His black shroud is really just an XXXL "Meat is Murder"
T-shirt turned inside out.
5. Tofu burritos are in short supply whenever he's in town.
4. Gardenburger now offers patties in the shape of a
Christian child.
3. Has started ordering his disciples to cut back on the goat
sacrifices in favor of a vegan alternative.
2. At his restaurant, International House of Tofu (IHOT), it's
$6.66 for the burrito dinner.
... and the #1 Sign the Antichrist is a Vegetarian:
1. Instead of fishermen, his disciples are lactose intolerant
acrylic fleece sweater makers.

The Top 10 Signs You're Eating Genetically Modified Food:

10. Your green beans are attempting a split flanking maneuver on
your clearly surprised mashed potatoes.
9. Whenever Gallagher appears on TV, your watermelon leaps
up, grabs the remote and shuts off the set.
8. It tastes the same, but now the asparagus leaves your
bathroom smelling April fresh.
7. You use the leftover chicken as a nightlight for your
kid's room.
6. The label says that your buffalo chicken wings are made
from REAL flying bison.
5. An apple a day... cures leukemia.
4. Family of seven, one turkey -- yet everyone gets a drumstick.
3. Your Ginsu knives are suddenly afraid of the tomatoes.
2. Chocchini: Looks like zucchini, tastes like a Ding-Dong.
... and the #1 Sign You're Eating Genetically Modified Food:
1. A SWAT team is ordering the Chalupa to drop *you*.

The Top 10 Alternative Ways To Order Pizza:

10. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering.
Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
9. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to
say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, (name)."
Then hang up.
8. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
7. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
6. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this
5. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if
they called you.
4. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer
you up.
3. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
2. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
... and the Number 1 Alternative Way To Order Pizza:
1. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other
line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

The Top 10 Rejected McDonald's New Items:

10. Salmon McNella
9. McKitty Sandwich
8. Chicken McBobbitts
7. McGristle
6. Way Too Damn Happy Meal
5. McShrooms
4. The Depressed Meal
3. McMenudo
2. Filet O'Gefilte Fish
... and the #1 Rejected McDonald's New Item:
1. Rocky Mountain McOysters

The Top Ten Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:

10. Mysterious late-night phone calls: "I can't stop thinking
about you... and that's a good thing!"
9. Contents of your curbside recycling tub are stolen,
reorganized, and replaced.
8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly
like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice
downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a
magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size,
the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
6. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon,
rose petal & saffron demi-glace with pecan-crusted hearts of
palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
5. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you everywhere -
even after you leave the bathroom.
4. You discover that every napkin in the whole house has been
folded into a swan.
3. That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive
stuffing in every orifice.
... and the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:
1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely
at your temple.

The Top 10 [Bizzaro World] Martha Stewart Cooking Tips:

10. Leaving half-sucked lollipops out for sweet ants is a quick and
easy way to add nutritional value to this already popular treat.
9. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. If you're really
running late, bring the waffle iron into the shower with you.
8. A simple turkey baster can also be used to remove those pesky
beans lodged in your ear canal.
7. In a pinch, frozen water can substitute for ice.
6. Adding a dash of Drano to your liver and onions won't kill the
taste, but should numb your taste buds enough for you to swallow.
5. Remember: Steak + Crest does *not* equal "steak tartare."
4. Forget to pack the grill? No problem -- just spritz some olive
oil on your engine block and you'll be cooking in no time!
3. Ground hamster adds a distinct tasty garnish to otherwise dull
mealtimes... no, it doesn't taste like chicken.
2. Your screen door can also double as a handy cheese-grater!
and the #1 [Bizzaro World] Martha Stewart Cooking Tip:
1. For a real St. Patrick's day treat, leave the corned beef out on
the counter for a week beforehand. You not only get the taste of
corned beef, but it will be a festive shade of holiday green that
will accent your dinner table just right.


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© 2008 Paul Kavanagh. All rights reserved.