Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense

Sunderland Jokes

 

Why does a Mackem lass wear knickers?

To keep her ankles warm!

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What's the difference between a Mackem and a supermarket trolley?

A Supermarket trolley has a mind of its own!

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What's the difference between a bus full of Mackems and a hedgehog?

A hedgehog has has all the pricks on the outside!

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A Geordie girl, a girl from Sunderland and a West Indian girl all give birth to boys at the same time in the same hospital. However, the nurses get the babies mixed up. 

To sort it out they decide to ask the dads to pick their own child. They ask the Geordie first but he picks the black baby. The nurses argue with him that the baby can't possibly be his,

but he replies, "I know that! One of the other two could be a Mackem and it just isn't worth the fucking risk.

----

Kevin Phillips walks into a sperm donor bank

"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.

"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".

"Yes" replies Phillips "you should have my details on your computer".

"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call your wife for you?"

"Why do I need help?" asks Phillips. The receptionist replies

"Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."

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What's the difference between a North West Water lorry and Kevin Phillip's

school teacher? One's a water tanker, the other's taught a wanker.

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Q: How many Sunderland fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows

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A burglary was recently committed at Sunderland's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a red carpet.

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Sunderland fans, don't waste your money on yet another replica team strip. Simply strap a large plastic penis to your head. It will then be perfectly obvious to everybody which team you support.

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The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Sunderland are going to win the Premier League." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

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What does a Mackem lass say after having sex?

Do you really all play for Sunderland

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Q: What happens when a Mackem takes Viagra?

A: He gets a bit taller.

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A little kid gets on a bus and sits right behind the driver (A Mackem) and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

The Mackem starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the Mackem gets angry and yells at the kid,

''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a Mackem!''

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Q  Whats the difference between a washing machine and a lass from sunderland

A  You can dump your load in a washing machine and it wont follow you around for a week.

From  UnknownQ: What do you do if a Mackem throws a grenade at you?

A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

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A little kid gets on a bus and sits right behind the driver (A Mackem) and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

The Mackem starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the Mackem gets angry and yells at the kid,

''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a Mackem!''

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Sunderland boss Reid has fined two of his players recently after it was discovered that they'd broken club rules by having sex on the night before a big match. The Mackem boss admitted that the fines would have been heavier if a woman had been involved!

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Two Sunderland fans are walking along. One of them picks up a mirror, looks in it, and says

"Hey, I know that bloke"

The second one picks it up and says "Of course you do, you thick twat - its me!"

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Apparently, Peter Reid offered to send the Sunderland squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

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Q: Why do NASA send their astronauts to train at The Stadium of Shite

A: It's the only place in the world with no atmosphere!

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Q Why do seagulls fly upside down over Sunderland.

A There is nothing below worth crapping on.

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A Geordie and a Mackem are walking down the street when the Geordie says, "Look, a dead bird!"

So the Mackem looks up!

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A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey (Peter). He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprize me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replied the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

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The Sunderland football team were invited to an audience with the Pope, off they all trooped to the Vatican. The Pope greeted them and the mackems pushed Monkeyheed to the front and said "go on Monkeyheed, ask him the question". Monkeyheed asked the Pope "do they have any nuns in Alaska",the Pope answered of course Monkeyheed there are nuns in every state in America".the team pushed Monkeyheed forward again, ask him the other one, Monkeyheed says "do they have any black nuns in Alaska",the Pope thought about it and said "I suppose there has to be in these racial equality times so yes". The team pushed Monkeyheed forward again saying "dont forget the last question", Monkeyheed says "do they have any dwarf black nuns in Alaska,the Pope replied "now come on Monkeyheed now you are taking the piss, NO NO NO" so they  all chanted as one "MONKEYHEED FUCKED A PENGUIN - MONKEYHEED FUCKED A PENGUIN"

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Q  How many Mackem jokes are there on this page

A  Only 2, the rest are all true stories.

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A Mackem is walking his 3 legged dog when he finds a magic lamp, he rubs it and a genie pops out.

Genie - I am the genie of the lamp and I grant you one wish.

Mackem - Could you make my dog win Cruffs.

Genie - What ? with three legs, no chance mate, wish again.

Mackem - Could you make Sunderland win the European Cup ?

Genie - Let's have another look at that dog.

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Peter Reid is walking along the beach when he sees a Jap skimming stones on the water.

Monkeyheed says, "what are you doing."  The Jap says, "The stones and the sea never lie."

Monkeyheed says "What do you mean the stones and the sea never lie." the Jap says, " They always say your name." Monkeyheed says, "What do you mean they always say your name."

The Jap says "Listen" then tosses a stone across the top of the water. To his amazement  Monkeyheed hears   Piiinnngg-Ponnnggg-Powww. "That is my name"

said Mr Ping Pong Pow.

That's Fucking amazing says Monkeyheed.  "It works all the time" says Mr Ping Pong Pow and tosses another stone. Monkeyheed hears   Piiinnngg-Ponnnggg-Powww again.

Fucking hell says Monkeyheed "Can I have a go." "Why not" said Mr Ping Pong Pow.

Monkeyheed tosses a stone over the water and hears Chimmm-Pannn-Zeee.  Monkeyheed is upset by this and quickly grabs another stone. He tosses it over the water and again hears Chimmm-Pannn-Zeee.  "The stones and the sea never lie." Says Mr Ping Pong Pow.

Monkeyheed is fucking livid by now and picks a big boulder up from beside him.

"Fucking say my name now you bastard." Says Monkeyheed as he tosses it in to the water and listens . . . . .BABOOOONNNNN

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A Mackem and his wife/sister decide they've brought enough Neanderthals into the world so they go their local doctor.  He tells them about a procedure called vasectomy, and explains the Mackem must place a banger in a tin can, hold it up to his ear ,and count to ten.

The mackem has a dim glimmer of doubt in the recess of his muddled brain, and decides to go to a proper doctor. On arriving in Newcastle he goes to the R.V.I. and sees a consultant.

The doc starts telling him about vasectomy and then recognises him as a Mackem. He tells him to put a banger in a tin can,hold it up to his ear,and count to ten.

Thinking this must be the way, the dimwit goes back to his hovel and steals the necessary things. He lights the banger,puts it in the can, and holds it up to his ear. He starts counting 1,2,3,4,5, puts the can between his legs and starts again on his other hand 6,7,8.......

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A bloke on his way home from work in Newcastle comes to a deadhalt in traffic on City Road

and thinks to himself, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks: "Officer what's the hold up?"  The officer replies: "It's a Mackem, he's just so depressed about losing 1 nil to the lads and the prospect of winning fuck all after gobbing off all november and december, he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him, his Middleboro' mates are all laughing at him and he has never had a job, I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really?" says the executive "How much have you collected so far?".

"So far," replies the policeman

"Only about three hundred litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.  Eventually, Michael

the archangel found him on the seventh day, resting. He inquired of God

"Where have you been? "God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look Michael, look what I've made." said God Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hotspot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small area of land and said, "What's that ?"  "Ah," said God. "That's Newcastle, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful people, 1 great football team, an impressive cathedral and home to a number of the worlds greatest ever pop groups . The people from Newcastle are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the wankers I'm putting next to them in Sunderland."

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Monkeyheed's driving to a home game in his Skoda when he is pulled over by the old bill.

The old bill approach Monkeyheed and state "do you know what speed u are doing mate"

"No" replied Monkeyheed" come off it" said the officer, "You were doing 80mph in a 40mph zone"

"Ok,I know" said Monkeyheed, "I'm late for the match and really have to get to the Stadium of Shite before 2.00".The officer looks at Monkeyheed and says"you've got no chance mate, it's gone 2.00 now and your still five miles from the ground "Monkeyheed turns to the officer and admits sobbingly "Ok, I lied, the truth is I'm that desperate I'd do anything for 3 points"

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Two mackems are in a topless aeroplane, one says to the other hey if this plane turns upside

down will we fall out,  ner says the other mackem we"ll still be mates

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Q: What do you get when you offer a Sunderland fan a penny for his thoughts?    

A: Change!

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Q: What is the difference between Foot & Mouth and Sunderland?

A: Foot & Mouth got into Europe.

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A Mackem walks into a shop in Sunderland: and says, "can I have a pair of tights for my wife"?

The shop assistant says "certainly sir, what size head are you"?

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Dwight York is joining Sunderland--He wants to play with bigger tits

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Q: How can you tell the elephant man is a Mackem?

A: Because he looks like one

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Q: What's the difference between the sunderland squad and a puddle?

A: A puddle has more depth

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Q: What's the difference between a Mackem and a coconut?

A: One's thick and hairy, and the other's a tropical fruit.

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Monkeyheed goes into a building society to deposit some money.

Whilst there, a robbery takes place, and the chimp is knocked unconsious during the struggle.

In a few minutes he comes round, but is still very confused.

"What, er, how, er, where am I?" he mumbles.

"Relax. Your in the Nationwide" says a paramedic. Monkeyheed replies,

"Bloody Hell! You mean I've been asleep all season?"

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An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think Mackems come from?"

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Q : What's the difference between Newcastle & Sunderland

A : 31 Points

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Monkeyheed has signed Frankie Dettorie as he believes that's

the only way theyll win a DERBY.

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Q : How do you brainwash a mackem?

A : Give it an enema!

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Three old fans are sitting in church when God appears and grants them one question each

The Geordie asks" When will the Toon win the European Cup?"

God replys" Not this season but next"

Geordie says" I"ll be dead by then!"

The smoggy asks"When will Boro play in europe?"

God replys" Within the next 10 years"

The smoggy  croaks" But I'll be dead by then"

The mackem asks" When will sunderland win the Premiership?"

God replys" I'll be dead by then!!"

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Q : What is the difference between a Mackem lass and a pit bull?

A : Lipstick

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Q : How can a mackem mother tell if her daughters been having sex?

A : She can taste it on her sons penis.

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A mackem goes to Canada to be a lumberjack. 1st day on the job and the boss gives him a chainsaw & says" Listen Mackem, I expect 100 trees felled per day, if you don't

make the grade you're out!" 12 hrs later the mackem staggers back into the camp and collapses.

" how many trees Mackem?" says the boss."97 " croaks the filthy animal.The boss sees how pathetic it looks and gives it one last chance. Next day ,after 13 hrs the Mackem is carried in by the other loggers."How many?" says the boss." 98" says the wheezy git . Another logger says "Jeez boss, that Mackem might be a scummy specimen, but it worked non-stop for 13 hrs, no lunch ,nothing!"  The boss wonders if the Mackem's chainsaw might be faulty so he pulls the cord and the saw roars into life.The Mackem leaps up and shouts" Fuck me what's that noise

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Q : What's the difference between a makem lass and a bowling ball ?

A : You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

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Q : What's the difference between a makem lass and the titanic ?

A : We know how many men went down on the titanic

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Q : What's lies in the gutter and is transparant?

A : A Mackem with the shit kicked out of him

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Q : How do you get a family of Mackems into a post box?

A : Tell them its a council flat.

Q : How do you get them out again?

A : Tell them the rent is due.

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Sunderland have only got 3 seasons left in the Premiership

Autum, Winter and Spring

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Sunderland have just signed a Chinese player

His name is "Win Won Soon"

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Monkeyheed goes down to the Metro Centre where he meets Kevin Phillips.

"What are you doing here" he asks "I'm buying

a bag of compost for the garden" he says "Don't worry about that" says monkeyheed "get yourself back to training and I'll get your compost for you" So Kevin Phillips heads back to training. Around half an hour later Monkeyheed bumps into Sir Bobby Robson "What are you doing here" asks

Sir Bobby "I'm getting a bag of compost for Kevin Phillips" says monkeyheed.

"Sounds like a fair swop to me" replys Bobby

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Q. Whats the difference between a mackem and a catfish?

A: One's an ugly, scum sucking, bottom feeder and the other ones a fish.

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Monkeyheed is happy to announce his 40 million quid signings.

The Dutch players Hertz Van Hire and his brother Avis

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Mackem and Geordie are walking along the beach at south Shields when Geordie kicks a tin pot in the sand. Picking it up he starts to clean it and with a flash and a roll of thumder out pops a geanie."oh thank you master for i have been trapped for ten thousand years , what is your command" The jealous mackem says, "hang on a minute, we aretogether surely we both get a wish""as my Geordie master commands" says geanie OK says Geordie, give the lad a wish. Right says mackem, i want a high wall  around the city of  Sunderland to keep all those geordies out. It must be twice as high as the tallest men, and strong, no weaknesses at al "Your wish is my command says Geanie, "now Geordie master, what is your wish?"

"Lets get this clear "says Geordie, a high wall, right around the city, no weaknesses, no windows, no doors, no gates, solid ?"

"That's right " says mackem, "what about your wish?""Easy" says Geordie, "fill it with water"

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Q  Whats the difference between a washing machine and a lass from sunderland

A  You can dump your load in a washing machine and it wont follow you around for a week.

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Q  What should you do if you run over a mackem in the street

A  Reverse back over the bastard to make sure he's dead

- - -

Apparently, Peter Reid offered to send the Sunderland squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

- - -

Q: Why do NASA send their astronauts to train at The Stadium of Shite

A: It's the only place in the world with no atmosphere!

- - -

Q Why do seagulls fly upside down over Sunderland.

A There is nothing below worth crapping on.

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Q: What's the difference between a Mackem and a trampoline?

A: You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline.

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Q: What do you call a Mackem with half a brain?

A:"Gifted"

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Q: What did the Sunderland player do when he heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?

A: He moved.

 

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© 2008 Paul Kavanagh. All rights reserved.