Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense

Sarah Palin Jokes

·         "According to expense reports, Sarah Palin charged the state of Alaska over $21,000 for her children to travel with her on official business. In fairness to Governor Palin, when she leaves them home alone, they get pregnant." --Seth Meyers

·         "As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?" --Sarah Palin, in an interview with CNBC's "Kudlow & Co."

·         "Palin and McCain are a good pair. She's pro-life and he's clinging to life." —Jay Leno

·         "Does any of you have the phone number for Lynne Spears? I totally think we are going to be BFFs :)" —From the fake Sarah Palin blog

·         "Are you kidding me, the mayor of Wasilla, Alaska? Yeah, that's who you want in the White House during a time of crisis. When she got a phone call at 3 in the morning, it was because a moose had gotten in the garbage can." —Bill Maher

·         "It’s the vice presidential debate. The moment Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin mentions Hillary, Joe Biden does a Lloyd Bentsen: 'I know Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton is a friend of mine, and Governor, you’re no Hillary Clinton.' But here’s Palin’s drop-dead reply: 'Senator, I know your running mate, Barack Obama. And he’s no Hillary Clinton either.'" —Margery Eagan

·         "Actually, it was kind of a smart choice. McCain went with a woman because he didn't want to have to be in a position to have to get CPR from Mitt Romney." —Jay Leno

·         "She has unwittingly and literally become the poster child for her mother's anti-choice and abstinence-only education policies." —Bonnie Fuller

  • Speaking of Sarah Palin, she said she's a life-long member of the National Rifle Association. Which may explain why she's in favor of shotgun weddings. (Conan O'Brien)
  • Everybody is trying to find out more about Sarah Palin. Someone was able to hack into Sarah Palin's Yahoo! email account because she hadn't taken the proper security measures. Yeah. So, folks, it's official. No one in the Palin family uses protection. (Conan O'Brien)
  • Alaska's largest newspaper has endorsed Barack Obama. Luckily for Sarah Palin, it's one of the 500 newspapers she doesn't read. (Conan O'Brien)
  • And all this week, the McCain campaign is trying to prevent Sarah Palin from talking to reporters covering the news, you know? They said, 'you can take her picture, but you can't ask her any questions.' What is she running for, vice president or 'America's Next Top Model'? (Jay Leno)
  • But the dirt is beginning to come out. Apparently, one of Sarah's first acts as Governor of Alaska was getting a tanning bed installed in the governor's mansion. The Republican Party is okay with it, which is weird, because usually they ask themselves, 'How can we make our candidate more white?' (Craig Ferguson)
  • John McCain's campaign said that Sarah Palin will not talk to the media, this is a quote, until reporters can address her with respect and deference. Oh, what is she running for, vice president or queen? (Jay Leno)
  • For some reason, the Secret Service revealed this, that Sarah Palin's Secret Service code name is 'Denali.' Turns out 'Denali' is an old Eskimo name that means 'Dan Quayle.' (Jay Leno)
  • While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President. The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle..." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle." The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain: "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she's up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of dumb ass put her up there to begin with!"
  • This is true. In Alaska, a political activist is trying to get Sarah Palin to release over 1,000 e-mails that she's withholding from public records. She won't release them. Yeah. Apparently, several of the e-mails went unanswered and have the subject line 'Mom, I need to talk to you about birth control.' (Conan O'Brien)
  • All the Republicans are heaping praise on Governor Palin. Fred Thompson said, as an actor, he could see them making a movie about Sarah Palin and her family. Didn't they already make that movie? I think it was called 'Knocked Up.' (Jay Leno)
  • We're learning more and more about Governor Palin. Apparently her daughter's name is Juno. (Jay Leno)
  • Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has many views. She says she's opposed to same-sex marriage. Did you know that? Yeah, Palin says everyone knows marriage isn't for gay people; it's for pregnant teenagers. (Conan O'Brien)
  • All in all, this was a great first day for the GOP convention, but, of course, the media did their best to try to ruin it by callously revealing a private matter in the Palin family, namely that Governor Sarah Palin's eldest daughter is named Bristol. Have you no shame, media? That's nobody's business. That is a private pain, meant to be kept between Bristol, and Track, and Willow, and Piper, and Trig Paxon, and let's say Snackchip and Toejam. (Stephen Colbert)

·         “There’s a gigantic difference between John McCain and Barack Obama and between me and I suspect my vice presidential opponent. She's good-looking." —Joe Biden

·         "Wonkette Pregnancy Expert Sara K. Smith decrees that these whispers about Sarah Palin not being that baby’s mama are absurd, because everybody knows John Edwards is the mother of that baby." —Wonkette Pregnancy Expert Sara K. Smith

·         "Five kids? Does anyone in that party understand the concept of pulling out?" —Bill Maher

  • Republicans are warning voters right now that if Barack Obama is elected president, the Democrats will control all three branches of the government. John McCain said this would be dangerous; Dick Cheney said it would be expensive; and Sarah Palin said, "There are three branches of government?" (Conan O'Brien)
  • At a rally on Saturday, Sarah Palin attempted to recite a quote from Madeleine Albright that she read off a Starbucks cup. She then summed up her views on energy by claiming, 'America runs on Dunkin'. (Saturday Night Live)
  • To prepare for the VP debate, Sarah Palin's been out at John McCain's place in Arizona; she said that looking at the desert gave her a real feel for the Middle East. (Jay Leno)
  • Sarah Palin's campaign made three stops today - Saks, Neiman Marcus, Bloomingdale's . . . (Jay Leno)
  • Sarah Palin is taking heat today, because the Republican National Committee has so far spent $150,000 on wardrobe for her and her family, representing small-town, common-folk hockey moms everywhere. (Jimmy Kimmel)
  • Newsweek magazine is being criticized because last week's cover featured an unflattering picture of Sarah Palin. Palin says it's the worst thing the press has done to her since that time they made her answer a question. (Conan O'Brien)
  • And in describing her beautiful Alaskan home, Sarah Palin said when she stands on her porch she can see the moon. Do you know what that means? She's now qualified to be an astronaut. (Jay Leno)
  • Hugh Hefner asked Sarah Palin to pose as a centerfold in Playboy. She declined, saying that at the moment, she was too busy posing as a Vice-Presidential candidate. (Jay Leno)
  • In her speech at the GOP Convention, Sarah Palin mocked Barack Obama for giving speeches in front of adoring crowds and standing in front of a stage backdrop. Ironically, Palin did so in front of an adoring crowd standing in front of a stage backdrop. (Jay Leno)
  • Let me ask you a question: is it just me, or does Sarah Palin look like a model for LensCrafters? (David Letterman)
  • And McCain felt what this nation really needs now is a vice president who looks like Tina Fey. (David Letterman)
  • If the only difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull is the lipstick, maybe hockey moms shouldn't be allowed anywhere near children! (unknown)
  • Well in that interview, you know, Sarah Palin couldn't name a single newspaper she read ... which wouldn't be so bad, except her major was in - journalism. (Jay Leno)
  • John McCain's VP pick is the governor of Alaska, a unknown hockey mom named Sarah Palin that no one ever heard of. The only other job she had in politics was the mayor of a small town known as Wasilla, Alaska, and now she has the opportunity to be on a ticket opposite of Barack Obama, the first black man she's ever seen.(Bill Maher)
  • Are you kidding me, the mayor of Wasilla, Alaska? Yeah, that's who you want in the White House during a time of crisis. When she got a phone call at 3 in the morning, it was because a moose had gotten in the garbage can. (Bill Maher)
  • Speaking of Sarah Palin, she said she's a life-long member of the National Rifle Association. Which may explain why she's in favor of shotgun weddings. (Conan O'Brien)
  • President Bush met with John McCain and Barack Obama about the financial crisis. John McCain showed up without running mate Sarah Palin, which is a shame because she actually has a lot of experience with financial matters. You know, she lives right next to a bank. (Jimmy Kimmel)
  • John McCain wants to suspend his debate with Barack Obama until the economic crisis is over. And Sarah Palin wants to suspend her debate with Joe Biden until she can find Europe on a map. (Jay Leno)
  • Of course Sarah Palin knows something about defense - after all, in high school she was on the basketball team. (InnocentEnglish)
  • Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin is in town. John McCain took her over to the U.N. to introduce her to all the world leaders. It looked like Take Your Daughter to Work Day. (David Letterman)
  • Earlier today, Governor Sarah Palin held a meeting with several leaders from other countries to showcase her foreign policy expertise. That's right, yeah. Experts say the meeting took 90 seconds. (Conan O'Brien)
  • Hillary Clinton canceled an appearance at the UN next week, after learning that Sarah Palin was also invited. And after Hillary canceled, the group canceled Sarah Palin, saying they didn't want any politicians. Which is a shame, because this would have been Sarah Palin's first trip to the United Nations. Although to her credit, she has been to the International House of Pancakes. (Jay Leno)
  • John McCain and Sarah Palin attended a campaign rally in Vienna, Ohio, today. They were in Vienna. Apparently, they went to Vienna so Sarah Palin could get some foreign policy experience. (Jay Leno)
  • Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is out on the campaign trail. Today, she attended a rally in Wisconsin. The Alaska Governor said she was thrilled to visit Wisconsin because she's never been to the Deep South. (Conan O'Brien)
  • I think this is pertinent because McCain has been running this campaign based on 'we're at war, it's a dangerous world out there. The democrats don't get that. I John McCain am the only one standing between the blood-thirsty Al Qaedas and you. But if I die, this stewardess can handle it.' (Bill Maher)
  • Most of the gossip this week is centered around Sarah Palin, McCain's controversial choice for vice president. Some question whether a mother of five who's only been running the state of Alaska for two years is the right person to fill out a ticket fronted by a 175-year-old man, and it's especially strange considering the emphasis that Senator McCain has put on national-security experience. Three years ago, Sarah Palin was the mayor of a town with 9,000 people in it. Nevermind national security, they barely have mall security in a town of that size. (Jimmy Kimmel) 

·         "As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border." --Sarah Palin, explaining why Alaska's proximity to Russia gives her foreign policy experience

·         "I'm the mayor, I can do whatever I want until the courts tell me I can't.'" --Sarah Palin, as quoted by former City Council Member Nick Carney, after he raised objections about the $50,000 she spent renovating the mayor's office without approval of the city council

·         "Sarah Palin was asked a question by a third grader and she got it wrong. She apparently still does not know what the vice president does ... She says he or she runs the Senate. No, not in this country. You know I would never accuse George Bush of being a bright man, but when he was elected, at least he knew which building to show up to." --Bill Maher

·         "Are you excited about Sarah Palin? Well, yesterday she referred to Afghanistan as our neighboring country. Apparently, she can see bin Laden's cave from her house." --David Letterman

·         "There was also some breaking news out of Dayton, Ohio, today where this morning Republican presidential candidate John McCain introduced the world to his third wife — actually, no, I’m sorry, that’s his running mate Sarah Palin, the freshman governor of Alaska, and star and producer of Emmy-winning 30 Rock. No, I apologize, the star of the Emmy-winning Will & Grace. No, no, I’m sorry, it’s actually the mild-mannered and troubled librarian from every Cinemax movie." —Jon Stewart

·         "John McCain's V.P. pick is the governor of Alaska, a unknown hockey mom named Sarah Palin that no one ever heard of. The only other job she had in politics was the mayor of a small town known as Wasilla, Alaska, and now she has the opportunity to be on a ticket opposite of Barack Obama, the first black man she's ever seen." —Bill Maher

·          "She does know about international relations because she is right up there in Alaska, right next-door to Russia." — Fox News' Steve Doocy "When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa." —Jon Stewart



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