And in the end it is not the years in your life that counts, it is the life in your years
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Ros Kavanagh My Mum

My Mum, Ros Kavanagh

The single biggest event of 2008, the single biggest event of this decade and of this century, maybe the third biggest moment of my life to date, goodbye mum, I really miss you. On the 6th of January my beloved mum died. I have written about her on another page of my site, that page was more about the her and more about the event itself, however now at this point in the year I write more about the effects, the impact.

Although it is more than 11 months ago, time is certainly no healer, in a lot of ways as the time passes some things actually get a lot harder. No one around me knows, no one sees it, I hide it too well, but the pain, the sorrow and the loss I feel is actually getting worse. At times like her birthday in September, Mothers day or Christmas the obvious feelings emerge, however for me personally it is the times that pop up unexpectedly, the depression and sadness that just pops into my head when I least expect it that hurts the most.

This year there was a TV show, Last Choir Standing, I loved the show, but I cried to myself almost the whole way through it. My mum would have loved it. Her ladies choir would have loved it, and if my mum was in that show she would have won it no problem, she certainly would have enjoyed it, and provided immense entertainment to the watching public. That show really affected me at the time, for it brought back just so many memories.

Another thing that badly impacted on me regarding the death of my mum was my time at the Regency hotel. For some reason, and not one I can yet identify, thoughts of my mum were really high on my mind, and it affected me. A certain individual at the hotel at the time really hurt me one day with a comment they made, and although I know they had no idea what they were saying, and certainly would not have meant the harm caused, that day in August was possible the worst day of the year. But that is the thing with how I am dealing with this, other people, other things, are setting of my emotions and I still cannot control it. I don’t like that.

Nearly a year on and still I have not shed a tear, I remember around the funeral feeling a bit strange about that, I remember too feeling, maybe wondering is a better word, that I must be very cold, heartless, detached, something not too nice, but never being really able to explain just why I have not cried. It upsets me that still I have not, but also it concerns me that if and when I do that I might just fall apart completely, however I also know that maybe it is possible that it will never happen and that I am thinking too much about it, and should just cop myself on and not worry about it. People deal with things in different ways and this has just been my way.

I know I am not looking forward to the next week or so, I am not looking forward to the anniversary. I know I will just try and do the right thing, and just see it through, but it is not something I am looking forward to and it is a time I will need to focus on me and my very weird emotions.

I love you mum, always have, always will. I miss you mum and thankfully always will. You were a special woman, touched so many hearts, moved so many minds, your legacy is a credit to you and stretches across the globe, and also be found in the colleges of Dublin, Oxford and York. I miss you my mum and I am proud to be your son. Sleep well.....

 

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