A van driver used to amuse himself by scaring the shit out of every Glasgow Rangers fan he saw strutting down the road in his blue and white uniform. He would swerve as if to hit them, and at the last minute, swerve back onto the road. One day as he was driving along the road, he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he would do his good deed for the day and offer the priest a lift. "Where are you going, Father?" he asked.
"I'm going to say Mass at St Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road," came the reply.
"No problem," said the driver, "Jump in and I'll give you a lift."
The happy priest climbed into the van and they set off down the road. Suddenly the driver caught site of a Hun on the pavement, and instinctively swerved as if to hit him, but just in time, remembering the priest in his van, swerved back to the road again, narrowly missing the cunt. Although he was certain that he didn't hit him, however, he still heard a loud "Thud". Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, and, seeing nothing, said to the priest, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Rangers Supporter walking down the road there."
"That's okay," replied the priest, "I got the fucker with the door!!"
Q: Who would David Murray play in Lord of the Rings ?
Bert Konterman walks into a sperm donor bank...
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Konterman "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call your wife for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Konterman . The receptionist replies
"Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker....".
Q: What do Rangers fans and mushrooms got in common?
A: They both sit in the dark and feed on nothing but crap.
There was a Rangers fan at this estuary in north Queensland and he saw a local man in his smal boat, fishing. The Rangers fan asked "Are there any sharks in there?" The local replied "No sharks in here." The Rangers fan got behind some trees and got into his swimwear. Once he got into the water he asked the local "Aren't you going to jump in? It's nice in here." The local told him "No, there's too many crocodiles".
Dick Advocat was caught for speeding on his way to Murray Park today. "I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned
A good looking young celt is in a night club chats up a young lady. He gets close to her and asks her name, my name is Carmen she replies. Thats a lovely name our cool young tim replies. Yes she says it means I like cars and men. She asks the young celt what his name is. He replies "Beerfanny"!
Q: How many Rangers fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't matter, cos they're all condemned to eternal darkness anyway.
A time traveller lands on the Shankhill Road in Belfast and goes straight into a pub for a refreshment. He is met with open arms by the locals and soon they are swapping anecdotes and swigging away merrily.
"Tell me" says one wag. "If you're a time traveller, who wins the SPL in the year 2010 ?"
"Celtic !" replies the time lord to a massive groan.
"Who wins our own league in the same year then ?" queries the bar fly at the end of the counter.
"Cliftonville !" comes the retort to another massive groan.
"Right mister smart ar*e time machine man" says the disgruntled landlord. "If you're so clever tell us how much it costs for a pint of beer in Belfast in the year 2010 ?"
"That's easy !" says the time traveller. "TEN PUNTS !!".
Alex McLeish was going to the Gers halloween party as a pumpkin.
Come midnight he still hadn't turned into a coach.
Barry 'the Bazman' Ferguson walks into a bar with a pile of dog crap in his hand and says to the bartender...'Look what I nearly trod in!!'
Young Sean finds an orange sash lying in the gutter as he walks down the Falls Road and decides to take it home to show his parents.
"Look what i've found lying in the gutter" he tells his father as he steps in the front door. "What you doing with that sash in this house ??" says his father "throw it in the fire !"
So off he goes to throw the sash in the fire when he bumps into his mother in the kitchen. "What you doing with that sash in this house ??" says his mother " throw it in the bin outside !"
So off he goes to throw the sash in the bin outside when he bumps into his big brother. "What you doing with that sash in this house ??" says his brother "throw it out on the gutter !"
"Oh for f*** sake" says Sean. "I've been an orangeman 10 minutes and already i've been re-routed 3 times !!".
Q: How is a pint of milk different then a hun?
A: If you leave the milk out for a week it develops a culture!
Q: What's the difference between a Hun and a sperm?
A: At least a sperm has one chance in 5 million of becoming a human being.
Billy McWilliamson dies and approaches st peter at the pearly gates.
St Peter asks him what he wants, he replies he wants into heaven.
St Peter tells him to wait while he checks his list.
St Peter returns and says sorry you are noton the list.
Billy asks why hes not on the list.
St Peter explains only people who have done some good during their earthly time are admitted to heaven.
Billy racks his brain and says i have done good i once gave £2 to the nuns collecting for the poor orphans.
St Peter is surprised at this revelation and says he will have to seek advice from a higher authority he disappears for ages and when he returns says to Billy yes I have found a record of this good deed.
Billy is delighted that his good work has been recognised and says can i get in now.
St Peter reaches over to him and places 2 coins into his hand and says here is your £2 now feck off ya orange bastard!
Q. What's Blue, white, red and funny?
A: A bus load of Rangers supporters going over a cliff.
Q: What's the difference between Rangers and a three pin plug?
A: Their both absolutely useless in Europe.
On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the north coast near aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Rangers football shirt, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Celtic shirts roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly.
The other two reached out and pulled the scum hun from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some hooligan elements and sectarianism, bigotry and evil people trying to divide
the glorious Celtic and Rangers, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true.
I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of cultural harmony and could serve as a model on which other peoples could follow."
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f*ck all about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?".
There's a rumour going about that if you buy a season ticket at Ibrox then you get a free space suit. Apparently it's due to the lack of atmosphere...
Q: How do you save a blue nosed Bear from drowning?
A: Take yer foot aff his heid.
Q: What's the difference between a busload of Rangers fans and a Hedgehog?
A: On a hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside.
Q: What do Haemhorroids and Gers Fans have in common?
A: They're both a complete pain in the arse and never seem to go away completely
Q: What do Beckham and Rangers FC both have in common?
A: Both got F***ked by Victoria
Q: Why did the Gers fan NEVER cross the road?
A: He was waiting for the Green Man to turn Orange.