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Political Jokes

·         This one was told by Stalin, no less, about a visit from a Georgian delegation:

They come, they talk to Stalin, and then they go, heading off down the Kremlin's corridors. Stalin starts looking for his pipe. He can't find it. He calls in Beria, the dreaded head of his secret police. "Go after the delegation, and find out which one took my pipe," he says. Beria scuttles off down the corridor. Five minutes later Stalin finds his pipe under a pile of papers. He calls Beria—"Look, I've found my pipe." "It's too late," Beria says, "half the delegation admitted they took your pipe, and the other half died during questioning."

·         Hillary's Old Boyfriend

Bill and Hillary Clinton returned to their home state of Arkansas for a visit and they stopped at a service station for gas. It turned out that the owner of the station was an old boyfriend of Hillary's. As they were driving away, Bill snickered and said, “See Hillary, if you had hooked up him you would be the wife of a guy who pumps gas at a service station.” Hillary smirked and replied, “No, Bill. If I had chosen him instead of you, you would be the guy pumping gas at the service station.”

Chelsea's New Boyfriend

Chelsea announced that she had met a wonderful young man. Bill sternly warned her, “Honey, you shouldn’t be spending time on him. I had an affair with his mother. That makes him your half-brother.” Hillary later took Chelsea aside and reassured her, “Don’t worry about it. Bill’s not really your father.”

·         Q: What's the capital of Iceland?
A: About Three Pounds Fifty...

·         Latest new: the Isle of Dogs Building Society has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.

·         Bradford & Bingley employees are dismayed they were given no notice of the takeover by Santander. A spokesman explained: "Nobody expects the Spanish acquisition."

 

·         What do you call a Muslim flying a plane?
A pilot of course ......

·         Why do Marxists like fruit infusions?
 -because all proper tea is theft.

·         What was the Independent Police Complaints Commission's verdict on the man who was shot seven times in the head on the tube?
Worst case of suicide they'd ever come across ...

 

·         A frog is sitting by the side of the River Jordan when a scorpion approaches.

'Hello,' says the scorpion. 'Would you do me a favour and carry me across the river on your back please?'

'No way,' says the frog. 'You're just going to sting me.'

'Why would I do that? I would drown if I killed you,' says the scorpion.

The frog thinks about it for a minute and then shrugs and allows the scorpion to jump on his back as he starts to swim across the river.

About half way to the other side, though, the scorpion stings the frog.

'Are you crazy? What did you do that for?' says the frog. 'Now I will die and you will drown.'

The scorpion smiles. 'Welcome to the Middle East, bitch!'

·         Play-time has just finished at the George Bush Primary School and Nursey and the teacher asks Sarah, one of the children in her class: "What did you do during the break?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a lovely bar of chocolate."

Sarah does and gets a bar of chocolate. The teacher asks Morris, another of her children, what he did during the break.

Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a lovely bar of chocolate."

Morris does and gets a bar of chocolate. The teacher then asks Mohammed what he did during the break.

Mohammed says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris in the sand box, but they threw rocks at me."

The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. I tell you what - if you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' correctly I'll give you a lovely bar of chocolate."

·         A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell.

So the executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"
"They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the guard replied.
"And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?"
"The same exact thing," the guard answered.
"Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?"
"Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"

·         THE FACTS OF LIFE

Boy: Dad, what's politics?

Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the money so we'll call me the management. Mum receives most of it so we'll call her the government. We'll call the nanny the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do you understand now son?

Boy: I still don't understand dad.

Dad: Think about it for a while son.

That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he's soiled his nappy. He goes to tell his mum but she's asleep he goes in to the nanny's room but she's in there having sex with his dad. He bangs on the door but no one can here him.

The next day...

Son: Dad I understand politics now.

Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own words son.

Son: The management is screwing the working class while the government's fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is full of SHI

·         George Bush was out jogging one day and sees a little boy with a box.

Curious, he runs over and says "What's in the box kid?"

The little boy says "Kittens and they're brand new".

Bush laughs and asks "What kind of kittens are they?"

"Republicans," the boy answers.

"Oh that's cute," says Bush and he runs off.

A couple of days later Bush and Cheney are running together and they spy the same boy with the same box.

Bush tells Cheney that they have to check out the kittens, and they run over to look.

Bush asks the boy to tell Cheney what kind of kittens they are.

"Democrats," the boy says.

"Whoah!" Bush says. "I came by here the other day and you told me they were Republicans. What's up?"

"Well," the boy says, "their eyes are open now."

 

·         A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog. He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life.

The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl"

"But I'm not a New Yorker," the man says.

"Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the mother.

"But I'm not an American," the man says.

"What are you then?" asks the mother.

"I'm an Iranian," the man says.

The next day he sees the newspaper headlines:

Islamic Extremist Kills American Dog.

 

·         Tony Blair-lesson in semantics

Prime Minister, Tony Blair, was visiting a school when a teacher asked him if he would care to lead the class discussion on semantics. Tony smugly chose the word ‘tragedy' and asked the class to give an example of its use.

One boy stood up and said, “If my girlfriend, Suzie, who lives on a farm, was playing near the cesspit, and fell in, and her dad stuck a fork through her chest and killed her, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” said Blair, “that would be an accident.”

Keli, raised her hand and suggested: “If there was a nuclear war that killed all the blokes but left the girls alive and  last bloke on earth lost his testicles in a shaving accident, that would be like, a REAL tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not.” Said slimey Tone. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Blair searched the room in vain for an upraised hand. “Isn’t there anyone here who can give me a correct definition of the word 'tragedy?”

Finally,the teacher said: “If an aircraft carrying you, Mr. Blair, the cabinet and Mr Bush was struck by a ‘friendly’ missile fired by an American helicopter gunship and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaimed Blair. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

“Well...” replied the teacher, “it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

 

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© 2008 Paul Kavanagh. All rights reserved.