Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense

Polish Jokes

Polish Jokes have been around for a very long time.  Some people find them offensive, some find them funny, some don't.  The thing is, most of these jokes can be applied to practically any race, color, creed, or individual, and as an Irishman who even has an Irish Jokes section on my website PaulKavanagh.com I find it interesting how the jokes come about and are so similar to Irish Jokes, I know almost all these Polish Jokes have once upon a time been Irish Jokes. But in the main they are still funny.

Instead of asking: "How many Poles does it take to screw in a light bulb?", you could ask "How many irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

The thing is, these Jokes have been with us so long that we no longer associate the words Polish, Pole, Polak, Pollock, with real people, but only the individuals described in the jokes themselves.  We might as well leave the name blank and ask you, the user, to insert a name of your own choosing.

Regardless of political correctness, many of our Polish friends find Polish Jokes amusing for the simple reason that they are funny (well, most of them.), and that Poles have a sense of humor too.  My personal Polish Joke favorite is:

Question: Who wears a forest ranger's hat and carries a can of kerosene?

Answer: Stanislaus the Fire Prevention Bear of the Polish National Forest Service.

Anyway, we're getting ahead of ourselves here, so on with the jokes.

 HOW TO IMPRESS THE GIRLS 

A Polish man was walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a Frenchman lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.

"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?"

"Maybee I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."

"Wow! Thanks!" says the Pole, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies. So he goes back to the Frenchman.

"I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been able to meet a girl."

"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."

"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him.

After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman. "Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach, and still nothing! What more can I do?" "Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the front of zee sweeming suit?"

DRESS ME FATHER 

A Polish man saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his collar, he stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt backwards?"

The priest laughed, "Because, my son, I am a Father!" The Pole scratched his head. "But I am a father too, and I don't wear my shirt backwards!"

Again the priest laughed. "But I am a Father of thousands!" To which the Pole replied, "Well then you should wear your shorts backwards!"

THE UNUSUAL SUSPECT

Following the assault of a young woman, the police rounded up the usual suspects for a lineup; suddenly, the Polish suspect stepped forward and screamed "That's her!!"

Kamikazki

A Polish kamikaze has flown 48 successful missions.

POLISH SEX QUIZ

(true or false)

 1.  A clitoris is a type of flower.

 

 

 2. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.

 

 

 3. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese.

 

 

 4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble.

 

 

 5. Pornography is the business of making record albums.

 

 

 6. A G-string is part of a violin.

 

 

 7. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly".

 

 

 8. Coitus is a musical instrument.

 

 

 9. Semen is another word for "sailor".

 

 

10. An enema is someone who is not your friend.

 

 

11. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit.

 

 

12. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve"

 

 

13. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.

 

 

14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke".

 

 

15. An organism is the person who accompanies the choir.

 

 

16. A condom is an apartment complex.

 

 

17. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.

 

 

18. Testicles are found on an octopus.

 

 

19. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.

 

 

20. Menstrual cycle has three wheels.

 

 

21. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas.

 

 

22. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird.

 

 

23. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.

 

 

24. Asphalt describes rectal troubles.

 

 

25. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass.

 

 

25. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins.

 

 

 

WOMEN WITH WHIPS 

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Pole, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"

The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Pole, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Pole, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch. "What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Pole"

IQ 

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.  A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on.

The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the Superbowl, dirt bikes, and so on.

The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "80." The robot then said, "So, how are things in Poland these days?"

 

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© 2008 Paul Kavanagh. All rights reserved.