And in the end it is not the years in your life that counts, it is the life in your years

Part 1 of my Life

Part 1 has to be my life in Ireland, up to 19 years old

In so many ways I hated my early life, my early years. I always had a chip on my shoulder, I always felt outside, always felt a fraud, isolated, alone. Looking back now I know that those feelings were as much my infamous paranoia and self doubt as they were true. For some reason I have always been very comfortable being alone, which of course is quite a contradiction to the public persona of Paul Kavanagh. But it was those first 19 years that have created those physiological emotions and meaning in my life.

Dublin was for me my place of birth and my home, but I seriously never believed it was my place to live. I always felt outside of it for some reason. The life style and way of Dublin for some reason never sat comfortable with me. At the time I remember wondering if it was my English Mother that drew me to another land, or the fact that, at times, I never even felt I belonged in my own family, that Dublin therefore was just an expansion of that emotion.

Sure I played football, bunked off school, nicked from the shops, played kiss chasing, played even more football, and did most of the things that little kids do. But with so much of it, I always felt I was doing it because it was just that, the expected things that kids do. Looking back now I can see no real reason to having led my life the way I did. But of course it also has to be said that maybe, just maybe, I am reading far too much into it all and that I was just normal. But as I entered into Part 2 of my life I certainly did not feel that I was normal, I remember feeling damaged, feeling different, sometimes feeling special more times feeling not.

My family had a massive impact on me, but not for any of the reasons they may think. Some of the scars I carry through life, certainly some of the deeper ones, are caused by my family, and some of them still to this day weep. Yes I was also the cause of many of those scars, and to be fair I was possible self-harming (mentally) more than they were doing to me. The weird thing about doing something stupid, even something wrong, just for the sake of getting attention, that is what I now believe was me. I am not an only child, but can certainly relate to the mindset of one as that is very much how I felt my life was up to the moment I left home.

School was a complete missed opportunity, I left at 13, just after my Dad died, never did an Inter-Cert, and that really is something I wish had not been the case. If I could roll back time I would really have wished that somehow I had been kept in school and had reached the possible potential I felt I had. Later in life in Part 3 I would learn so much from travelling the University of the World that I know I could have done okay in school and maybe if I had then my life could have been so much different. But then again, I am what I am, and I have lived a life worth living, so maybe it really is a case of “que sera sara” and that was how it was meant to be.

In physiology theory there is something called “Nature or Nurture”, are your born the way you are, or created into what you are, is your life predetermined by genes or shaped by what happens around you. I am not nearly educated enough to really understand or be able to answer such a deep question, I guess of the top of my head, if forced to reply, I would have to say it must be a mixture of both as far as I am concerned, and as far as my being is concerned. One other way I have looked at that question came later in life when I was asked are sales people born or created, quick as a flash I answered “sales people are born to be created”, and that is certainly something I believe to has been the case with myself.

So looking back on Part 1 of the life and times of Paul Kavanagh I am filled with a certain sadness, a real feeling of missed opportunity, of certain pain, but always of certain pleasures, I know a sense of being alone in life has grown out of those times, but also the resilience of being comfortable in that position. I know that Part 2 was vastly influenced by the baggage I carried with me at the time and that one of the few regrets I have in my life is that no one can ever go back and change the past and yes there are things I would chance if given the possibility to do so.

 

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