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Northern Ireland Jokes

·         Irish Mastermind Champion

Seamus O Brien had been hailed the most intelligent Irish man for three years running. He had topped such shows as Larry Gogans 'Just a Minute Quiz' and 'Quicksilver' (before Bunny Carrs demise). It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He Did, and won a place. On they evening of the competition, Seamus enters from the crowd and placed himself on the Leather Seat and made himself comfortable. The lights dimmed and a spot light pointed at his face.

Magnus said "Seamus, What Subject are you studying?." Seamus responded, "Irish History". Very well said Magnus, Your first Question,

"In what year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?'

Seamus responds .."Pass"

OK said Magnus, "Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?",

Seamus Responds .."Pass"

OK said Magnus, How long did the Easter Rising Last?"

Seamus Responds.. "Pass"

Instantly, a voice shout from the Crowd, "Good Man Seamus....Tell the English Nothing...."

·         Q.     What is Irish diplomacy?
A.     It's the ability to tell a man to go to hell.
        So that he will look forward to making the trip

·         Two English ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner near an Irish lady. "We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year," said one. "Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there! It would be awful." "Dear me!" said the first lady. "Well where are you going?" "Salisbury," she replied. "But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!" the first objected. At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue. "Why don't ye go t' hell," she suggested. "There be no Irish there!"

·         An IRA man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes out to greet him. St. Peter takes one look and says "I don't think you can get in here.The IRA man says"Who wants in? You've twenty minutes to get the *#!@ out!

(Patrick Murphy Jnr)

·         A Sergeant and a Private were patrolling the streets in a Irish town near the Northern Irish border. There was a 9.00PM curfew in place. Suddenly private Slattery shoots a man walking down a lane. The sergeant screams, Slattery its only 8.45, why did you shoot him, Slattery replies, well I know where he lives and he would never have made it by 9.00.

·         These two lads were in the army. One was Irish and One was Jewish. They were doubling around the square, and when they were halted, the Jewish boy, puffing, said to the Irish Lad, "I hate doubling, paddy." The Irish lad said, "I'm not too keen on Tel Aviv, either.".

·         "Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt. "Do we now?" came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.

·         Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!" When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?" "Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"

 

·         An Irishman declares war!

Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no,we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you." So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr.Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war." So SH says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that.""Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old Austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor." "Get real, " says SH, "that's no match at all." So Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting.""Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war." SH thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?". "Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30." Laughing openly now SH replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting." "I will", says Paddy, "I will.""Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all." "At last, " replies SH, "What made you change your mind?""Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!"

·         Paisley died and went to heaven, when he got there me knocked long and hard on the door.  St.Peter came out and asked his name.  YOU DON'T KNOW MY NAME ? I'M THE REV. IAN PAISLEY HE ROARED AT ST. PETER.  St.Peter looked at his list and could not find his name.  Sorry say's St.Peter your not on the list. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT ON THE LIST???  DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM??? As a matter of fact I do said St. Peter, but your name is not on the list, THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH I'M A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON MY NAME SHOULD BE ON THE LIST.  St. Peter try's to explain that its not easy to get into heaven, and that you have to be a Catholic, when Paisley hears this he starts to complain,  so St. Peter says that had  he had been good to Catholics that he have some chance. Well roared  Paisley, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE BEEN VERY TO CATHOLICS,  WHY ONLY 2 WEEKS AGO I MET A YOUNG GIRL WHO HAD MADE HER COMMUNION AND I GAVE HER A POUND AND 2 WEEKS BEFORE I MET A YOUNG BOY WHO HAD MADE HIS COMMUNION AND I HAVE HIM A POUND,  NOW WHAT DO YOU SAY NOW MR. ST. PETER ???    St. Peter took a few notes on what he said, he told Paisley to wait that he would have to go and talk to GOD and get some advice.  About ten minutes later St.   Peter come out and said to Paisley.  HEARS YOUR TWO POUNDS BACK,    NOW   FUCK   OFF

·         The mistress of a big English house called her Irish maid and pointed out the dust still on top of the piano. 'Mary' she said 'I could write my name in this dust'. Mary responded 'Isn't education a grand thing ma'm'.

·         Q:    What were the Republicans doing while the Loyalists were building the Titanic?

A:    Building an iceberg.

·         An English MP was addressing a crowd in Belfast.  He stated to the masses "I was born an Englishman, I've lived an Englishman, and by God I shall die an Englishman!"  Then, from the back of the crowd, a voice yelled "Shite
man, have ye no ambition?"

·         Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "where were you?".

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "look son, look what I'm after making". Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "what is it?"  God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and south America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south. And then the archangel said, "and what's that green dot there?". And God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be great craic and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe. Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance.. God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the neighbours I'm going to give them"

 

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