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Newcastle United Jokes

A Mackem walks into a Geordie pub. "Who wants to hear a joke about Alan Shearer?" A tall man rises and says: "Listen, man, I'm 6 foot 3, weighing in at 90 kilos." Then he points at the man in the Newcastle shirt to his left. "And my mate Tommy here is even 6 foot 6 with more than 100 kilos." And, pointing at another tall man in full Newcastle United outfit, he adds: "That bloke over there named Stevie is a former youth boxing champion. See, you're outnumbered, 3 against 1. So, do you still want to tell you joke?" Said the Mackem: "Well, no. Because I don't like to explain the same joke three times..."

Apparently, when Peter Beardsley was born he was such an ugly baby that his parents didn't know whether to put him in a carry cot or a cage!

Q: Why do so many housewives love newcastle?
A: Cos they stay on top for ages and then come second.
 

Q: What is black and white, black and white and black and white ?
A: A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill
 

I hear Bellamy has a depressed cheekbone. Still, that never stopped Beardsley - he's got two of them!

They say that hooliganism and racism are bad, but personally I think that Peter Beardsley is the totally unacceptable face of British football.

Duncan Ferguson has been sentenced to 6 hours community service. That means he has to play four games for City!
 

Fire brigade phones Bobby Robson in the early hours of Sunday morning...
"Sir Bobby, St James Park is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" replies Sir Bobby.
"Well...the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."

Q: Why do they call Bobby Robson hitler?
A: Because he cant win in europe either.

Q. What's the difference between the Toon keeper and a taxi driver?
A. A taxi driver will only let in four at a time.

Newcastle have moved quickly to halt rumours of a rift between Bobby Robson and Alan Shearer.
A club spokesman said, "It's ridiculous to suggest that there is a personality clash between the two - everybody at the club knows that Shearer hasn't got one." 

Why do Geordie Supporters have Moustaches?
A: So they can look like their Mothers.

Q: What do Toon fans and laxatives have in common?
A: Both irritate the absolute crap out of you.

Newcastle United have made a size-able sum available to buy new players.
They're opening Joe Kinnear's swear-box.

 

Newcastle United's trophy room has been broken into and contents stolen.
Police are currently looking for a man in possession of a black and white carpet.

 

Newcastle United have cancelled their nativity play this year, although they've got 11 donkeys they can only find one wise man and the Messiah has gone missing.

 

Newcastle United owner Mike Ashley has received an offer to buy the club from a Nigerian source.
He received an email which read:

"Dear Friend,
My late husband was foreign minister of Nigeria, and on his death he deposited USD15,000,000 in a bank account. In order to recover this money I need to deposit these funds for a short time in a European bank account. Please send me your bank account details as you are a kind man...!"

 

Joey Barton has just been appointed the manager of Newcastle United.
He says he wants to make a serious assault on the Premiership.

 

Newcastle United had negotiated a new sponsorship deal with a leading dog food manufacturer until someone pointed out that having the word "Winalot" emblazoned on their shirts would be stretching the truth a little too far.

 

What does a Newcastle United fan do after his team has just beat Real Madrid in the champions league?
Turn his playstation off and goes off to bed.

 

My mate has just called to ask if I want any tickets to watch a couple of comedy acts on 21st December.
I asked, “Who's appearing?”
He said, “Newcastle United and Spurs.”

 

“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking, we are about to land at Newcastle Airport, passengers are reminded to set their watches back 25 years...”

 

Newcastle United FC have apparently set up a call centre for fans who are troubled by their latest form.
The number is 0800 10 10 10
Calls charged at peak rate for overseas users.
Once again the number is
0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing.

 

Six players were named in a drug scandal at Newcastle United.
Shearer Cort Dyer Given Bellamy Speed.

Q: What's the ideal weight for a Newcastle supporter?
A: 3 pounds...that's including the Urn.

Quasimodo asks Esmeralda, "Am I really the ugliest b**tard in the world?"
"Why don't you go upstairs to the Magic Mirror and ask ?" says Esmeralda.
Quasimodo goes upstairs to the mirror and returns a few minutes later.
As he hobbles in Esmeralda asks "Well, what did the mirror say ?"
To which Quasimodo replies, "Who's Peter Beardsley?"

Kevin Keegan Quotes

‘It’s like a toaster, the ref’s shirt pocket. Every time there’s a tackle, up pops a yellow card.’

‘The ref was vertically 15 yards away.’

‘There are two schools of thought on the way the rest of this half is going to develop; everybody’s got their own opinion…’

‘Goalkeepers aren’t born today until they’re in their late twenties or thirties.’

‘The game has gone rather scrappy as both sides realise they could win this match or lose it.’

‘I don’t think there’s anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona.’

‘They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Heighway and he’s nothing like him, but I can see why - it’s because he’s a bit different’

‘You can’t do better than go away from home and get a draw…’

‘He can’t speak Turkey, but you can tell he’s delighted.’

‘There’ll be no siestas in Madrid tonight.’

‘…using his strength. And that is his strength, his strength.’

‘One of his strengths is not heading’

‘Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice.’

‘I’m not disappointed - just disappointed.’

‘The tide is very much in our court now.’

‘Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose.’

‘That would have been a goal if it wasn’t saved.’

‘I came to Nantes two years ago and it’s much the same today, except that it’s totally different.’

‘A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm - and it nearly came off.’

‘The substitute is about to come on - he’s a player who was left out of the starting line-up today.’

‘I know what is around the corner - I just don’t know where the corner is. But the onus is on us to perform and we must control the bandwagon.’

‘Hungary is very similar to Bulgaria. I know they’re different countries…’

‘In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg.’

‘The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they’re not careful.’

‘England have the best fans in the world and Scotland’s fans are second-to-none’

‘It’s understandable that people are keeping one eye on the pot and another up the chimney.’

‘I’d love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half-time.’

‘It could be far worse for me if it was easy for me.’

‘Argentina won’t be at Euro 2000 because they’re from South America.’

‘They’re the second best team in the world, and there’s no higher praise than that.’

‘You don’t get two chances at this level, or at any other level for that matter.’

‘You’re not just getting international football, you’re getting world football’

‘Luis Figo is totally different to David Beckham, and vice versa’

‘Football’s always easier when you’ve got the ball’

‘I want more from David Beckham. I want him to improve on perfection.’

‘The Germans only have one player under 22, and he’s 23′

‘I’ve had an interest in racing all my life, or longer really.’

‘We managed to wrong a few rights.’

‘We are three games without defeat is another way of looking at it. But if we are honest we have taken two points from nine’

‘He’ll also be very dangerous from set-pieces. That means he’ll be a threat from free-kicks and corners in the final third of the field.’

‘Danny Tiatto is not going to make a mistake on purpose’

‘I’ll never play at Wembley again, unless I play at Wembley again’

Newcastle United Q&A Jokes

Q: Why do so many housewives love Newcastle?
A: Cos they stay on top for ages and then come second.

Q: What is black and white, black and white and black and white?
A: A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill.

Q: Why do they call Bobby Robson Hitler?
A: Because he cant win in europe either.

Q. What is the difference between Newcastle and a tea bag?

A. The tea bag stays in the cup longer!


Q: What’s the difference between the Toon keeper and a taxi driver?
A: A taxi driver will only let in four at a time.

Q: Why do Geordie Supporters have Moustaches?
A: So they can look like their Mothers.

Q: What do Toon fans and laxatives have in common?
A: Both irritate the absolute crap out of you.

Q: What’s the ideal weight for a Newcastle supporter?
A: 3 pounds…that’s including the Urn.

 

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