Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense

Men Jokes

Question and Answer

What is the difference between Government Bonds and men?

Government Bonds mature.

Why are men like toilets?

They're either: Vacant, Engaged or full of crap.

Why do men have penises?

They certainly can't be admired for their brains.

Why is it better for a woman to have bigger breasts than brains?

Because men see better than they think.

What do you call the useless bit of skin attached to a penis?

A man.

What's the difference between a man and a catfish?

One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker, and the other is a fish.

What do you have when you have two balls in your hands?

A man's undivided attention.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal?

A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?

1. No mind. 2. No business.

How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.

Why is a cucumber a better date than a man?

The cucumber doesn't make you sleep on the wet spot.

What do men and kitchen flooring have in common?

You lay them right the first time, and you can walk all over them for years.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?

One, but you may have to slice him quite thin.

Why are men like parking spaces?

The good ones are taken, and the ones left are all handicapped.

Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it."

Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"


Husband: "Want a quickie?"

Wife: "As opposed to what?"


Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?

He knows first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.


Why are men like laxatives?

They irritate the shit out of you.


Why do men name their penises?

Because they want to be on a first name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.


Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Why do men name their penises?

Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 99% of their decisions for them.

What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?

A hot dog and a six pack.

What's the best thing to come out of a penis?

The wrinkles!

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be hell.

Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners?

So men can understand them.

Why are men like paper cups?

They're disposable

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?

ET phoned home.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A widow.


What do men and sperm have in common?

They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.


A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?

Dating children.


Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

They don't stop and ask for directions.


Why don't women blink during foreplay?

They don't have time.


When does a woman care for a man's company?

When he owns it.

Why do men have a little hole in the end of their penises?

To let some air into their brains

What's the only exercise men get?

Sucking in their stomachs when a bikini walks by.

How do you force a man to do sit-ups?

Put the TV remote controls between his toes.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?

When it's time to regress to his childhood you don't have as far to go.

What did God say after he created man?

"I can do better than this" and he made woman.

Why are men like spray paint?

One squeeze and they're all over you.

Why are men like blenders?

You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why is food better than men?

Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do women fake orgasm?

Because men fake foreplay.

Why do men prefer blondes?

Men always like intellectual company

Why do most women spend more time on their appearance than on improving their minds?

Because there are more stupid men than there are blind ones.

What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?

Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A man will actually search for a golf ball.

What do you call a man with 90% of his intelligence gone?

Divorced

What do you call a woman without an asshole ?

Divorced.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

Because only one in 100 million have the sense to stop and ask for directions.

Why are men are like horoscopes?

They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Why are men are like laxatives?

They irritate the shit out of you.

What should you give a man who has everything?

A smarter man to show him how to work it.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?

At the circus the clowns don't talk.


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?

Exchange him.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.


A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

Why is it hard to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

Because they already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

About 45 minutes

Why is needing a man is like needing a parachute?

If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

Why are women so bad at mathematics?

Because men keep telling them that this...
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.........is 12 inches.

 

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© 2008 Paul Kavanagh. All rights reserved.