Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense

Man City Jokes

Manchester City Jokes

Q: What has fourteen arms and a IQ of four?
A: The Man City subs' bench

What does EIDOS, Manchester Cities sponsor stand for?


A City fan, a Muslim and a Hindu are travelling together when it becomes dark and they are forced to ask at the only inn in town for a bed for the night. The innkeeper agrees but says that as there is only two beds one must sleep in the barn outside, so the three draw lots and the Muslim loses and goes to the barn to settle down for the night.
Five minutes later he returns to the room apologising but saying that as there was a pig in the barn he could not possibly sleep there. The City fan and the Hindu then toss a coin and the Hindu loses and takes his possessions to the barn to sleep.
He also returns after a few minutes saying that there was a cow in the barn and so he couldn't sleep there either. Reluctantly the City fan takes his bag and walks to the barn to try and catch some sleep.
Two minutes later the pig and cow enter the room...

Thieves broke into Maine Road last night & stole something from every room except the canteen. That's why they left without any cups.

Why do City fans put team stickers on their cars?    So they can park in handicapped spaces.

Joe Royle unlocks the city trophy room door & Shergar ran out. Bad enough but Lord Lucan was riding him.

How many city players does it take to win a trophy?     Only 11- but you have to go back 25 years to find them.

How many city fans does it take to change a light bulb?     None- Their all happy living in United's shadow

Knock Knock.....Who's there?.....Alfe Inge Haland, ......Alfe Inge Haland who?

I didn't know you could yodel !!!!!

What do you call 20 Manchester City Fans skydiving from an aeroplane?    Diahorrea.

Here is a chronological account of John Motson's finest hour:
2-0 to Arsenal “Man City are defending like a pub team!”
“It’s hard to believe we are watching a premiership football match!”  
3-0 to Arsenal “Embarrassingly easy!”
4-0 to Arsenal “Fetch me an abacus!”
5-0 to Arsenal “Being a City fan is all about afternoons like these.”
Apparently,  The Premiership have received bucket loads of complaints from people claiming John Champion’s commentary was totally unfair – on pub teams that is...

Q: Name three English clubs with swear-words in their names.
A: Scunthorpe, Arsenal, and Manchester Fucking City.

What's the difference between a lift and City?    A lift doesn't take 9 months to go down

A Manchester City fan came down to Wembley for the Cup Final. As he didn't have a ticket he asked a tout outside the gates how much the cheapest one cost. '£75,' said the tout.

'£75!' said the fan. 'Back in Manchester I could get a woman for that!'

'Maybe,' said the tout. 'But you wouldn't get an hour and a half with the Band of the Coldstream Guards in the interval!'

A new Man City Oxo cube is about to be introduced. It'll be called "laughing stock".

What happens when the opposition cross the halfway line at Maine Road?    They score

A visiting fan turned up at a Manchester City vs Manchester United match last week and was told that seats were £16, £20 and £35, and programmes £2.

'OK,' he said cheerfully, 'I'll sit on a programme!'

Rumour has it that to cut the cost of the repairs to City's scoreboard which, only the light bulbs in the half used to show the opponents score will be fixed.
The other half will just have 'Bolton 0' painted on in yellow emulsion.

The announcer says that City have lost 3-0 and the dog immediately rolls over on its back, sticks its paws in the air and plays dead.
"That's amazing," says the barman. "What does he do when they win?"
The City Fan scratches his head for a couple of minutes and finally replies: "I dunno.... I've only had the dog for eight months."

Man City are apparently under investigation by the Inland Revenue for tax evasion; they've been claiming for Silver Polish for the past 25 years.

`How did you enjoy your holiday in Israel?'


'Did you visit the Wailing Wall?'

'Yes - but I couldn't get near it for Manchester City supporters!

Someone asked me the other day, what time do City kick off?
About every ten minutes I replied.

A man goes into a pub with an alligator under his arm.
"Do you serve Man City fans here?" he asks.
"Certainly Sir, no problem at all," replies the barman, nervously staring at the alligator.
"Okay," says the man, "a pint of lager for me and a City fan for the alligator."

What do Man City Fans and sperm have in common?    One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

For years, a young city fan had been taking holidays at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you phone when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat-up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a city fan."

A lifelong Manchester City fan is lying on his deathbed, his son is watching over him when the old man utters his final wish, he says. Son, get me a brand new Manchester United shirt, the son says, dad but why ? you have been a city fan all your life why would you want to change your mind now. The old man replies. Because i'd rather one of those fuckers dies than a true blue.


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© 2008 Paul Kavanagh. All rights reserved.