Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense

MP's Expenses

MP’s Expenses Jokes

Repairs to a designated second home: £2,850
(Peter Mandelson, AFTER announcing he was leaving Parliament to become an EU Commissioner and who later made £136,000 profit on the sale of the house)
Monthly rent for two Sinn Fein MPs' shared central London flat: £3,600
(Martin McGuinness and Gerry Adams, even though both refuse to take up their seat in Westminster)
Food allowance for attending Scottish Parliament : £1,751.50
(Alex Salmond - even though he was only present for six votes in the year)
Getting the British taxpayer to spring for all this: Fecking Priceless.
There are some things that money can't buy, for everything else, there's MPs' expenses.

Gordon Brown has claimed £1 million for a new moral compass because the one he was using was broke

Did you hear about the M.P. who ordered a house sign reading
Home Sweet Home Sweet Home Sweet Home!

How many MPs does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they pay a builder £100 to do it for them

It has been revealed that Gordon Brown paid a cleaner £6,000 to clean his house
To be fair though he was not married at the time and so had no one to do it

Aww... damn it! I was totally looking forward to seeing pictures from the scene, but it turns out "Gravy Train Hits The Buffers" is just a metaphorical newspaper headline.

I no longer want to become an MP.
I mean if you cannot get your moat cleaned on expenses what is the point?

99.99% of politicians give the rest a bad name

An MP has been found to have claimed for a bag of manure on expenses.
So, they have been taking the shit as well as the piss.

Following news of claims for moat cleaning, bbq sets, swimming pool boiler servicing and 'general repairs, stable etc', has anyone else noticed that there haven't been any of those DSS ads for 'benefit fraudsters' lately?

It must be more than a year ago now, following the funeral of a well respected member of Parliament I ventured gently to console a distraught, sobbing widow.

“I don’t know how we’ll manage without...” she was gasping for breath as she cried.

I slipped an arm around her shoulders and whispered words I hoped would be of some comfort: “You’ll be fine. I know you’ll be fine.”

They seemed to make her worse. “But how will we manage... without his expenses?

Why is it that MP's show the commercial acumen of Alan Sugar when it comes to their expenses, but that of Homer Simpson when it comes to the economy???

I can't understand all this controversy surrounding Conservative MP's expenses claims.
I've known for a long time that there are two sides to every Tory.

Exclusive: One MP, who cannot be named for legal reasons, bought seven French Ticklers from a sex shop in his constituency on an MP expense account and it was approved under official rules after the MP claimed a French Tickler was some kind of clock ('French Ticker' is on the claim).

This and a number of other excruciatingly embarrassing claims were revealed yesterday when a list with just the embarrassing claims on it was left on a train and handed in to our offices by a concerned citizen.

The found document, which has not been authenticated, also claimed that one MP bought a breast enlargement for his wife on expenses, another bought a water bed with a special luxury vibrating feature for £3,500.

Another claim was £2.50 for a copy of The Financial Times, that scurrilous rag wot is not as good as the Wall Street Journal.

One MP even claimed 45p for a Cadbury's Twirl from the corner shop. Another MP, believed to be from the Treasury, claimed for a £17.5bn bank improvement scheme - which was thankfully refused in February 2007.

All this adds up to a sorry state for British politics. We knew this was going on in Europe, but never thought it was happening over here. Oh yea right. Silly us!

  • The only reason MP's have a second home is so that they can sit on as many fences as possible.

MPs Should Get Double Their Drinkies Expense Claims, They Are All Worth It

What is all the fuss about? MPs make expenses claims, so what?

This newspaper doesn't see anything wrong with it, as long as the nice parties we get invited to at MPs' second homes are not affected. In fact, we think it's time that MPs got more money for drinks parties for journalists, they don't get half enough money for that if you ask us.

They could then buy us more drinkies, nice nibbles, even canapés. Mmmh, lovely. Had the drinkies been a bit better then this probably wouldn't have come out in the first place...

Gotcha!

MP’s EXPENSES SONG (Sing to ABBA’s original music)

Money Money Money

They lie all night, and cheat all day, their claims all in and then we pay
Ain't it bad
And still it just appears to be, they’re all corrupt, no honesty
Make’s us mad
To take it all, that is their plan
To rake it in the perfect scam
Expenses paid, no claim to small, they spin around and catch us all...

Money, money, money
Must be lovely
In an MP’s world
Money, money, money
Con the country
In an MP’s world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things they can screw
Just to claim the public’s money
In an MP’s world

They list it all for where they stay, a second home someone must pay
Ain't it bad
They say they claim it legally,, they do not care as you can see
Make’s us mad
So they must leave, they have to know
We’ve had enough, they’ll have to go
They’ve made a fortune in a game, but life will never be the same...

Money, money, money
Must be lovely
In an MP’s world
Money, money, money
Con the country
In an MP’s world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things they can screw
Just to claim the public’s money
In an MP’s world

Money, money, money
Must be lovely
In an MP’s world
Money, money, money
Con the country
In an MP’s world
Aha-ahaaa
All the things they can screw
Just to claim the public’s money
In an MP’s world

In an MP’s world

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© 2008 Paul Kavanagh. All rights reserved.