Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense

London Jokes

London Jokes

A South African, an Aussie and a Londoner...

A South African, an Aussie and a Londoner were sitting in a pub having a pint of beer.

The South African grabs his beer downs it, tosses his glass into the air, draws a handgun and shoots the glass in mid-air. He grins to the other two, puts the gun down on the bar and says

"In Souff Efrika we haf so many glasses we never drink out of the same glass twice".

The Aussie then downs his beer throws his glass into the air, grabs the gun off the bar, shoots the glass, puts the gun back on the bar and proclaims;

"Ay mate, in Oz we have so much sand which makes glass really cheap so we too never drink out of the same glass twice".

The Londoner looks at the two of them, finishes his beer, puts the glass down on the bar, picks up the gun, shoots both the Aussie and the South African and says;

"In London we have so many South Africans and Aussies that we never have to drink with the same one twice.


A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive.
Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically:
' My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long at the panel beaters - it'll never be the same again!'
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust:
'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are' he says.
'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life'.
' How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' snaps the Porsche Owner.
The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.
'The Londoner looks down in absolute horror.........

......................BLOODY HELL!!!!!!' he screams........ 'Where's my Rolex????...

this londoner, goes to texas for a holiday, walk's into a reaturant,and sit's down, a waiter come's over, and say's what would you like.
the londoner say's a nice steak, and a pint of beer.
the waiter say's sorry, we dont do pint's of beer, only quart's.
so the londoner say's ok , I'll have that, and a glass of whisky.
the waiter say's we dont do, glasses only jug's.
so the londoner say's ok , I'll have that, and a cup of coffee after my meal.(slightly pissed off)
the waiter say's sorry, we dont do cups only mug's.
so the londoner say's ok , I'll have that.(really pissed off)
thank you.
as he's leaving the waiter say's, how would you like your steak sir.
the londoner say's cut it's horn's and tail off and wipe it's arse and that'll do.

Two fellas in a pub one says :

"hello Bill hows your brother Ted?"
"He died"
"oh that is terriable how did he die"
"Well he was driving his car and he slammed the brakes on with such force he got catapaulted out of the roof through my second floor bedroom window landed on the bed"
"oh thats a terriable way to go " Says the fella
"Nah that didnt kill him he bounced of the bed up in to the attict managed to grab the wanter tank as he grabbed it he fell back down with the tank 1000 gallons of water and all"
"thats terriable way to go" says the fella
"Nah that didnt kill him he stagged over to the walldrobe tried to haul him self up and it feel on top of him"
"Oh I am sorry mate"
"Nah that didnt kill him he stangged out to the stairs fell down the stairs and took out every bannerster on the way"
"thats teriable really what a way to go"
"Nah that didnt kill him"
"Hang about what did kill him the?"
"i shot him"
"you shot him?"
"Had to he was wrecking the place"

One Londoner is walking along the Thames. He sees someone else on the other side. He calls over "Orite mate. How de fack am oi ment to get to de other soide?"

The other one looks back at him, puzzled "What de fack are you torkin' abaat? Your'e on de other side."

Two Scotsmen - businessmen in glasgow - were sitting down for a break in their soon-to be new store in London. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some wise arse idiot is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious cockney walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad London accent asked

'Wot yer sellin' 'ere?

One of the men replied sarcastically,

'We're selling arse-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Cockney said,

'Yer doin' well .... Only two left!

A guy walks into a pub and says, ”Can you remove this steering wheel from my


The bartender says, ”Why is that there? Is it annoying?”

“Yes,” the man said, ”it’s driving me nuts.”


A tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.
He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high class area with no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured edges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really decent of you... is that what you call "British hospitality?"

"No sir", replied the Bobbie... "that is what we call the French Embassy."


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© 2008 Paul Kavanagh. All rights reserved.