Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense

Liverpool Jokes

Liverpool Jokes

One night in a local Liverpool pub, a huge scouser was sitting at the bar slowly getting pissed. He was 6 feet 8 inches tall and weighed at least 400 pounds.
A little later a short, skinny, obviously gay man walks in and sits next to the huge guy. After having a few drinks the gay man sidled over to the huge scouser and whispered in his ear, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the giant Merseysider jumped off his chair, punched the guy in the face breaking his nose, grabbed him by the feet and threw him out into the car park where he finished him off with bone crunching kicks to the head. He then left the faggot laying on the floor and went back into the bar.
Amazed, the bartender brought the huge scouser a beer and said, "I have never seen you like that before. You are normally such a gentle man. Just what did he say to you anyway?"
"I'm not sure," replied the scouser, "It was something about a job!"

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty Scousers showed up.

Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint Peter

said  he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God

instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group.  A few minutes

later,  Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone."

"What All of the Scousers are gone?" asked God. "No" replied Saint Peter "The

Pearly Gates!"


One day, Paul Ince is being chauffeured home in Cheshire, when his

driver  swerves to avoid a pot hole and hits a strange looking beast on the

side  of the road, killing it instantly. On inspection of the creature,

neither  the driver nor Ince knew what the animal was, but it was wearing a

collar.  All the collar read was "THE TWAT" with an owners

address. When they arrive at their destination, Ince suggests to the driver

that he should go back to the farm house and apologize for the accident and

offer to pay for the damages. Three hours later, the driver returns, with

all his

clothes torn, holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a Cuban cigar in the

other, and swaying left to right as he walked. "What happened?" asks Ince.

"Well," said the driver, "when I told him, the farmer gave me this

bottle,  his wife gave me this cigar,and the his beautiful 19 year old

daughter made passionate love to me!"    "Bloody hell" said Ince "What exactly

What's long,  Scouse,  and goes around corners?

The Dole queue.



Why is the Anfield grass so green?

Because every week they put millions of pounds of shit on it.



Why did Gerard Houllier go to Argos?

It's the only place he could pick up Premier Points.

A man was walking down a street in the centre of Manchester and saw a

Rotweiler attacking an old lady. He immediately ran over to the dog and

started to struggle in which he sustained many bites, but he eventually

he  got his hands around the dog's neck and strangled it until it was dead.

A  passing reporter commented: that was f@cking

fantastic how you saved that old dears life!, I have to write a story about

this, how about the headline - Manchester United fan saves granny's


"i'm not a Utd fan"  replied the bloke.

"well how about Man City fan saves granny's life"? said  the reporter.

"I'm not a City fan either" siad our hero,

" I'm from Liverpool".

"Never mind I know just the headline, you read the paper  tomorrow"

said the reporter. The man picks up the paper the following day

to read the headline - SCOUSE BASTARD KILLS FAMILY PET!!



did  you tell them?" "I said, Hi, I'm Paul Ince's driver and I just killed

the twat!"


What's the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?

One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut.


If you see a Scouser on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him?

It might be your bike.


What's the difference between a Scouser and a broken clock?

Even a clock is right twice a day!


What do you say to a Scouser with a job?

Big Mac please.


Why does the river Mersey run through Liverpool?

Because if it walked it would be mugged.


Man walks into a shop in Liverpool:

Man: Can I have a pair of tights for my wife?

Shop assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head are you?


What do you call a Scouser in a suit?

The accused.


What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi?

A burglar.


Two Scousers have just nicked a car and are checking it over to make

sure  that everything works before they use it to ram raid the off-licence.

One  gets into the drivers seat and asks the other if the indicators work,

to  which his mate replies "Yes, it's working...oh shit, it's,

it's OK...stopped again..."

A scouse girl goes to the local council to claim benefit.
"How many children do you have?" asked the benefit officer.
"I have ten kids." replied the scouse woman.
"Ten?" said the benefit officer, "That's a lot! What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne." replied the scouse girl.
"Ummm, do you not get confused with them all having the same name?" asked the benefit officer.
"Nahhh," replied the scouser, "it's great because if they are out in the street playing I only have to say 'Wayne' once and they all come in!"
"What if you want to speak to one of them individually?" asked the benefit officer.
"Oh that's easy," replied the scouse girl, "I just use their last names!"

One day two psychiatrists were walking along a river in Liverpool when they noticed a scouser floating along in a boat singing, "Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream......."
They instantly decided that he was crazy so they grabbed him, took him into hospital and removed 1/4 of his brain.
A few days later they again saw the scouser in his boat singing "Row, Row, Row your boat........"
Again they grabbed him, took him to hospital and removed another quarter of his brain.
A few days later they again saw the scouser in his boat singing "Row, Row, Row your boat........"
Again they grabbed him, took him to hospital and removed another quarter of his brain.
A few days later they again saw the scouser in his boat singing "Row, Row, Row your boat........"
This time they took him away and decided that the best thing would be to remove all of the rest of his brain.
A few days later they again saw the scouser in his boat singing "Ferry, on the Mersey.........."

Did you hear that this year had the coldest day in Liverpool since records began?
All the scousers kept their hands in their own pockets!

What's the difference between a scouser funeral and a scouser wedding?
One less drunk!

What do you say to a scouser in a uniform?
"Big Mac and fries please!"

Why do little scouse girls put fish in their knickers?
So that they can smell like big scouse girls!

Did you know that Liverpool won the Greenest City award this year.
They recycle more car stereos than anyone else in the world and the churches all have lead free roofs!

What do you call a scouser with a job?
A liar!

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© 2008 Paul Kavanagh. All rights reserved.