Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense

Leeds Jokes

Leeds Jokes

A nurse at Hope Hospital told an industrial tribunal how she tried to stop the fight between two top doctors which resulted in one of them being sacked by the hospital.
"I pulled them apart" said sexy Jane Adams, 21, "and could see Dr. Jones was in tears. I asked him what it was about and he sobbed 'It's that man on D-ward, you know, that one with the Leeds United pyjamas. Doctor Smith has just told him that he's only got two weeks left to live'. I told him there was nothing more we could do for him and he had to be told. Dr Jones said 'I know that, but I wanted to tell the bastard'"

Q. What do you call an Leeds fan with half a brain?
A. Gifted.

First Leeds fan: "Are you shearing that sheep?"
Second Leeds fan (adjusting his trousers): "No, get your own."

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask a Leeds United supporter

Elland Road Boss Peter Risdale has sacked David O’Leary and employed a new Chinese manager.
His name: Win One Soon

This Leeds fan goes home for his dinner and his wife puts a plate of grass on the table in front of him.

Why do people take a instant dislike to Leeds fans?
Because it saves time.

Did you hear about the Conservative MP who was found dead in a Leeds United strip?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.

Two Leeds fans talking. The first guy says: "Did you hear about Bert? 'E were found shagging a sheep behind the barn last night?"
"Female sheep was it?"
"Course it were. There's nowt queer about Bert!"

What do you call a Leeds fan with three sheep?
A pimp.

An Irish bloke on holidays in Yorkshire gets chatting to some locals in the pub. He introduces himself as Paddy the bus driver from Dublin. The barman, trying to be friendly introduces Ethan the postman, Nathan the butcher and Cederic the baker as well as himself.

Q. What do Leeds fans and beer bottles have in common?
A. They're both empty from the neck up.

What is the best thing to come out of Yorkshire?
The M62 to Lancashire.

Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a Leeds Fan?
A: A Doberman.

Q: What do you say to a Leeds fan with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, its already been said - Twice!

Q. What's the difference between a Leeds fan and a coconut?
A. One's thick and hairy, and the other's a tropical fruit.

Q: How can you tell when Leeds are losing? A: It's five past three. 

Q: What did Lee Bowyer say when he took a girl out for the night?
A: Fancy an Indian?

Q: What do you call 20 Leeds fans sky-diving? A: Diarrhoea

Q: What do you call a Leeds fan in a 2 bedroomed Semi?
A: A burglar

Q: What do you call a Leeds fan with many girlfriends? A: A Shepherd

Q: What do you say to a Leeds United fan with a job?
A: Can I have a Big Mac please!

Q: What has 70,000 arms and an IQ of 170
A: Elland road every other Saturday.

Q: What have General Pinochet and Leeds United have in common?
A: They both round people up into football stadiums and torture them.

Q: What's the difference between a Pyromaniac and Leeds football club?
A: A Pyromaniac wouldn't throw away all his matches! 

Q: Why do people take an instant dislike to anyone from Leeds?
A: It saves time



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© 2008 Paul Kavanagh. All rights reserved.