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Labour Party Jokes

Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'".

"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a Tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister, "that's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of Tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the Air plane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!"

There was a young man named Gordon who bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

When the farmer drove up the next day he says, "I am sorry but I have some bad news - the donkey is on my truck but he's dead!"

Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back".

"I can't do that" replied the farmer, "I went out and spent it already."

Gordon said "Ok just unload the donkey anyway".

The farmer asked "What are you gonna do with a dead donkey?"

"I'll raffle him off" said Gordon.

The farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

But Gordon with a big smile on his face said, "Sure I can. Watch. Just don't tell anyone the donkey is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened to the dead donkey?"

Gordon said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2.00 each and made a huge profit."

Totally amazed the farmer asked "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"

To which Gordon replied, "The only one who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2.00 back plus £200.00 extra which is double the going value of a dead donkey so he thought I was a great guy."

Wait for it

Gordon grew up and eventually became Chancellor of the Exchequer and no matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them thought he was a great guy.

And that's politics!!!

How Much Would You Give?

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Tony Blair, John Prescott, Gordon Brown and Jack Straw.

They're asking for a £10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"Most people are giving about a gallon."

Blair's Britain is like Heaven

In Blair's Britain we live in HEAVEN.

We HEAVEN got petrol,

We HEAVEN got work,

We HEAVEN got a cure for aids,

We HEAVEN got educated kids

We HEAVEN got electricity,

We HEAVEN got Gas

We HEAVEN got out of Iraq

We HEAVEN got morality

We HEAVEN got Law & Order and

We HEAVEN got a bright future."

I reckon politicians have it easier than comedians. As any comic will tell you, people invariably come up to them and say "Hey, you're a comedian. Tell us a joke." But they never go up to a Government Minister and say "Hey, you're a Member of Government. Tell us a lie!"

Smart Stereo

A lady bought a brand-new, top-of-the-range BMW, but three days after she took delivery, she returned it to the dealer, complaining that she could not get the stereo to work.

"This is what we call a 'Smart Stereo', madam", explained the salesman. "You just tell it what you want to listen to, and it will play it for you. If you wnat to listen to Beethoven, just say 'Beethoven'. If you want the news, just say 'News'"

After trying it a few times the lady drove away delighted.

Some days later she was sitting in her car at a set of traffic lights. The lights changed to green and she started to pull away. Just then, a white van driven by a very fat man came screaming through the red light in his lane and straight in front of her. Breaking hard, she narrowly avoided hitting him.

"Fat moron!!" she yelled at the speeding van, whereupon a voice from the stereo announced; "There now follows a government statement from the Deputy Prime Minister, Mr John Prescott".

I reckon politicians have it easier than comedians. As any comic will tell you, people invariably come up to them and say "Hey, you're a comedian. Tell us a joke." But they never go up to a Government Minister and say "Hey, you're a Member of Government. Tell us a lie!"


There was this very wealthy guy who was on his death bed and wanted to see if he could avoid inheritance tax and take his money with him. He asked his friend Tony Blair, his doctor and his clergyman to each take an envelope he had prepared, each containing £100,000 in cash, and put them in his coffin at the funeral.

The man died and each of the men put the envelopes in the casket just before it was closed.

After the funeral the three were driving from the graveyard and the clergyman suddenly spouted, "I have a confession. I took part of the money from my envelope and am going to use it on an addition to the church. I only put £80,000 in the envelope. I'm sure this good brother would understand"

Next the doctor said, "Well I also have a confession, there is a machine that would have diagnosed this man's illness had I only had it. It cost £50,000 and I know he would have wanted me to be able to save other lives by buying this machine. So I only put £50,000 in my envelope"

Tony Blair in total disgust stated, "I can't believe you two, in my envelope I put a personal check for the full £100,000!"

The Likely Labs - Episode 1

And at Stealth Tax Headquarters.  

Tony:     Where is Hemel Hempstead? 

John:      Who cares? Oh it's in the country somewhere near Watford and has a Conservative controlled council.  It's a Labour MP but he's Co-op really.

So, let's take their money and invest it somewhere else.  If we nick their grants they will have to put up council tax and the Tory councillors will get the blame! 

Great idea! We can close their hospital, and build a bigger one in Watford, transfer all the college courses for their kids to Watford College.  Then we can take away their housing money so that they have to charge for car parking and close things just to make ends meet.  We can even reduce their police officers and transfer them to a new area centre – in Watford

Ok John, those are great ideas, let's do them.  Can we also consider closing their police station and a few of their good schools?  Did you say they are in the countryside? Yes? OK, then let's build loads of housing all over their green fields.  Oh! Aren't you thinking of buying a house around that area?

Yes, in Watford.

Any resemblance to anyone living or dead, or even living dead, is purely coincidental

Gordon Brown

A man was coming home from work one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked him what was wrong. The cop said, "We are in a crisis situation. Gordon Brown is in the road very upset. He does not have the £10 billion needed to fill his black hole, and everyone hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in petrol and start a fire." The man asked the police officer exactly what he was doing there." The bobby said, " I feel sorry for the Chancellor so I am going car to car asking for donations." The man asked, "How much do you have so far?" The bobby replied, "Well as of right now only 99 litres, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"

Killed a pig

Tony Blair and his driver were going to Chequers and were passing a farm. A pig jumped out in the road suddenly. The driver tried to get out of the way, but he hit him. He went in the farm to explain what had happened. He came out with a beer, a cigar, and a tons of money. Blair saw this and said, "My God, what did you tell them?" The driver replied, "I told them that I'm Tony Blair's driver and I just killed the pig."

Robots and IQ

A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?' The man replied, '150.' So the robot proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, 'This is really cool.' The man decided to test the robot. He walked out the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink.

Again, the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?' The man responded, '100.' So the robot started talking about football, day trading, and so on. The man thought to himself, 'Wow, this is amazing.' The man went out and came back in a third time.

As before, the robot asked him,'What's your IQ?' The man replied, '50.' The robot then said, 'So, you gonna vote for Tony Blair again?'

The Blairs at dinner

Tony and Cherie are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's special is chicken almandine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good, I'll have that," Cherie says. The waiter nods: "And the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, he'll have the fish," Cherie replies.

St. Peter

A New Labour strategist dies and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. The strategist is taken inside Heaven by St. Peter and given a guided tour. He's led into one huge room that is full of millions of clocks, and he notices a clock with his name on it that has stopped. St. Peter explains that everyone has a clock that counts down the seconds of their life, and when someone dies, their clock stops. All this fascinates the strategist but when he examines all of the other clocks, he notices that some of the clocks' second hands are moving faster than others. St. Peter explains that every time someone tells a lie, which is a sin, they lose part of their life, so their clock's second hand ends up moving faster. The New Labour strategist looks around but doesn't see Tony Blair's clock, so he asks St. Peter where it is. "Oh," answers St. Peter, "that's being used as a ceiling fan."

Making the people happy

Gordon Brown and the Blairs are flying on a Royal Flight. Tony looks at Gordon, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a £100 note out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Gordon shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw five £20 notes out the window and make 5 people very happy".

Cherie tosses her hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw ten £10 bills out the window and make ten people very happy."

Leo rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."  

Puppy Love

Cherie Blair was on her way somewhere when he came across a little boy selling puppies. She stops and asks the boy "What kind of puppies are they?"

The boy replies, "They're New Labour puppies, Ma'am." With this she smiles and walks off.

Later on that day she mentions to Tony about the boy and his puppies and suggested that it might be nice to have a puppy around the house. The next week Tony was on his way to Chequers and saw the boy and his puppies. He stops and asks the boy, "What kind of puppies are they?" The boy replies, "They're Conservative puppies, Sir."

"Conservative puppies?" Tony asked. "Last week you told my wife they were New Labour puppies." The boy replied, "I know, Sir. But since then they opened their eyes."

Saved from drowning

One day Tony Blair was out jogging and accidentally fell from a ridge into a very cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet Prime Minister out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Blair.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.

"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful Blair.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"

"No -- but I will be when my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."

Blair Country

A man walked into a country pub and ordered a beer just as Tony Blair appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Cherie Blaire appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man said. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Blair country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country"

Good old Prescott!

Reminds me of the tale of the John Prescott whose car has crashed into a lamp-post. A helpful passer-by calls the ambulance, and goes over to

talk to the poor Deputy Labour Leader trapped behind the steering wheel.

"Where are you bleeding from?" He asks. "I'm from bleeding Hull, ain't I?"


Michael Howard, Charles Kennedy, and John Prescott were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Howard was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and he jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Kennedy was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and he slipped over the wall.

The last person, Prescott, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"

Are they dead?

The Labour Campaign bus is driving by a farm where a man lives alone. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. The man comes out and finding the politicians, buries them.

The next day, the police are at the farm questioning the man. "So you buried all the Labour Cabinet?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?" To which the man replied, "Some said they weren't, but you know how they lie." 

Voting Labour

A Hemel school teacher was giving a lesson on politics to her class of 10 year olds. She asked them if there was an election tomorrow how many would vote for Labour.  Most of the class had no idea what she was talking about and so raised their hands, except for one boy sitting at the back. "So, Johnny, you won't be voting labour" she asked. "No Miss I will vote Conservative" he replied. "And why is that" asked Teacher. "Well, my mum votes Conservative and my dad votes conservative" he said.

Teacher was cross about this and said to Johnny "So if your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot what would that make you then?”....... Johnny replied "A labour supporter"

Elections can be very boring, though. In one campaign meeting the candidate droned on and on, until eventually someone in the audience threw a bottle at him. Unfortunately it missed and hit the chairman -- who, as he sank dazed to the floor, was heard to say: "Hit me again, I can still hear the bugger."

The Ant & the Grasshopper

Classic Version

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

Modern Version

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. BBC, ITV and Sky show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. Britain is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on 'Newsnight' and charges the ant with "green bias," and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green." Tony and Cherie Blair make a special guest appearance on the BBC Evening News to tell a concerned interviewer that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Thatcher summers.

Gordon Brown exclaims in an interview with Jonathan Dimbleby that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EU drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act" retrospective to the beginning of the summer.

The ant fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Cherie gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of judges that Tony appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talk shows scheduled. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Tony Blair standing before a wildly applauding group of New Labourites announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in Britain.

A life long supporter of the labour party was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join the Tory party. "But why?" asked his puzzled friend, "You're labour through and through… Why change now?" The man learned forward and explained, "Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us."

An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Former US President Bill Clinton?

1% said, "No"

2% said, "Yes"

97% said, "Never Again"

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© 2008 Paul Kavanagh. All rights reserved.