Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense

Kerry Jokes

Kerry Jokes

Deaf Mother

A young Kerryman came home late one night with a black eye.
'How did it happen?' asked his father.
'I was over in my girlfriend's house and we were dancing close together when her mother came in,' said the Kerryman.
"What was wrong with that?' asked his father.
'Her mother is deaf and couldn't hear the music!'

Almighty Uncle

My uncle is a parish priest!' beams a young Kerry girl. 'All the people address him as "Reverend Father!"'
"What about it?' says another, my uncle is a cardinal and everybody says "eminence" to him!'
Another little Kerry girl listens to this and says: 'Reverend Father and Eminence sounds all right, but I have an uncle who weighs 150 kilos and when he walks the streets everybody says: "God almighty!".'

 

How would you get a Kerryman to climb on the roof of a pub?

Tell him the drinks are on the house!

 
 

How do you keep a Kerryman happy for an afternoon?

Write P.T.O on both sides of a pice of paper.

 
 

 

 

A kerryman, who had fallen into a lot of money,went to the Dr with an injured leg.

"That looks nasty",said the Dr,"I'd better give you a local anaesthetic".

"Hang the expense", said the Kerryman, "I'll have the imported one!"

 
 

 
 

What do you call a Kerryman under a wheelbarrow?

A mechanic.

 
 

 
 

Have you heard about the Kerryman who had a brain transplant?

The brain rejected him.

 
 

 
 

What do you do if a Kerryman throws a pin at you?

Run like mad- he's probably got a grenade between his teeth!

 
 

Drunken Man

A drunken Kerryman arrives at a registry office.
'Excuse me, gentlemen, do you register births here?'
Yes, indeed.' answers the officer.
DRUNKEN MAN: That's great! Please start writing immediately. I had twins this morning, not me, of course, but my wife - Two twins - Please write that down gentlemen.'
'Congratulations!' says the officer, 'but why do you keep on saying "gentlemen"? There is only myself here.'
DRUNKEN MAN: 'What, only one? Then don't write twins - I'll have to go back and take another look."

 
 

A Kerryman won a round the world trip in a raffle.

 He refused to accept the prize because

he said he had no way of getting back!

 
 

 
 

Did you hear about the Kerryman who saw

a notice reading:-"Man wanted for Robbery and Murder"?

He went in and applied for the job.

 
 

Giving Evidence

A Kerry woman was giving evidence in court as her friend was being charged with stealing.
LAWYER: 'How long have you known the defendant?'
KERRY WOMAN: 'Several years.'
LAWYER: Would you consider him to be honest?'
KERRY WOMAN: Yes I suppose so, but if I were a hen I'd roost on the highest perch in the hen house.'

 
 

Have you heard about the Kerryman who damaged his health

 by drinking milk?

The cow fell on him!

 
 

 
 

Why do Kerry dogs have flat faces?

From chasing parked cars.

 
 

 
 

How do you recognise a Kerry pirate?

He has a patch over each eye.

 
 

 
 

How do you recognise the bride at a Kerry wedding?

She's the one wearing white wellingtons.

 
 

 
 

Have you heard about the Kerryman whose library burnt down?

Both books were destroyed, and worse still one hadn't even been coloured in yet!

 
 

 
 

How do you confuse a Kerryman?

Place three shovels against a wall and ask him to take his pick.

 
 

 
 

What are Kerry nurses famous for?

Waking patients up to take their sleeping tablets.

 
 

 
 

Have you heard about the Kerryman who cheated Irish rail?

He bought a return ticket to Dublin and didn't go back!

 

How do Kerrymen forge 10p pieces?

They cut the corners off 50p pieces!

Grocery Assistant

The Kerry girl working in a Dublin grocery shop made a mistake and the boss fired her.
Well,' she said. 'I learned at least one new thing while working here.'
What's that?' said the boss angrily.
That there are 12 ozs. to the pound.'

 

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© 2008 Paul Kavanagh. All rights reserved.