Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense

Jewish Jokes

The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, 'So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'

'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'

'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?'

Oh Mom, replies Susan, 'I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York.'

'Honey,' Mom complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'

The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.'

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.

'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States

The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'

Mom says proudly, 'Her brother is a doctor.'

The choice
Hannah goes to visit her dentist.
When Moshe finishes examining her teeth, he says, "I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but you need root canal treatment to one of your molars."
Hannah cries, "Oy vey ist mir. I'd rather have a baby."
Moshe replies, "Well let me know what you decide – I’ll have to adjust the chair either way."

The strong man
Fay and Cyril get married and on their first night in bed, Cyril puts his arm around Fay and very sweetly whispers, "Fay darling, please pull up your nightgown."
Very sweetly Fay answers, "Nooo."
Cyril asks again, a little sterner, "Fay pull up your nightgown."
Fay again says, "No."
Cyril is now angry and says, "Fay, pull up your nightgown or I'm going out the door and you’ll never see me again."
"No." says Fay.
So Cyril gets up and goes out the front door, slamming it behind him. Fay immediately gets up and locks the door.
Not too long after, Cyril is back. He tries the front door but finds it locked. So he taps on the door and says, "Fay, my darling, open the door, it’s me."
Fay says, "Nooo."
Cyril knocks a little louder, "Fay, sweetness, please open the door."
"No." says Fay.
Cyril starts kicking the door and shouts, "Fay, open this door right now or I'll break it down."
Fay says, "Really? A door you can break down, but a nightgown you can't pull up?"

I want some silk
Hymie is an elderly yarn merchant who has the misfortune of living next
door to Fred, a well known anti-Semitic.
One day Fred calls on Hymie and says, "Hey Jew! I need a piece of orange silk."  "OK, says Hymie, "how long?"
Fred looks at Hymie and replies, "The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis and I want it delivered to me tomorrow latest."
Hymie says, "OK."
Fred is awakened early next morning by loud noises. He looks out his window and sees a row of lorries lined up outside his house, dumping lorry full after lorry full of orange silk into his front garden. Soon, the front of Fred’s house is 3 foot deep in orange silk. Then there is a knock on his door and when he opens it, there’s Hymie with an invoice for £8,000.
Fred starts screaming at Hymie. "What’s this, Jew? This is not what I asked for. I told you I wanted a piece of silk from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis.  Look at my front garden. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Hymie replies, "I'm very careful when I deal with people like you, that's why I’ve got a few witnesses here with me now. I may be off by a few miles so I gave you a discount, but...the tip of my penis was left in Poland after my circumcision!"

Nadine, Joyce, and Sylvia are sitting on a park bench, talking about their children.

Slyvia: Well friends, I have good news and bad news.

Nadine: Nu?

Slyvia: My Michael called me up on the phone last night and told me he was gay.

Joyce: Oy, Slyvia, vey iz mir! And after all you did for him! You were such a wonderful mother. Don't blame yourself.

Nadine: Of course she was wonderful! So, nu? That's the bad news. Let's hear the good news?

Slyvia: Well ... he's marrying a doctor!

An elderly jewish woman decided to prepare her will and told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Asda
"Asda?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Asda?"  "Then I'll be sure my sons visit me twice a  week."


Jacob is 85 years old and has just arrived in London to live with his daughter. One day, he’s taking a walk when he sees a fellow Russian smoking a cigarette using a cigarette holder.
Jacob had never seen such a thing before, so he asks, "vats duss?"
The other man says, "Dots a protector. It protects mine clothing from de eshes and mine beard from de flame."
Jacob says, "I gotta hev one of dem too. Where do you gedit?"
The other man says, "I godit in de chemist shop."
Jacob walks all the way to the nearest chemist, goes up to an assistant and says, "So gimme a protecter."
The assistant looks at the elderly little man and decides to have some fun.
"So what size you want, mister?"
Jacob shrugs and says, "Size? It should fit a cemel."

 Morris, 86 years old, walked into a crowded doctor's surgery.  As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, how can we help you today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," Morris says aloud.
The receptionist was quite shocked at his reply and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded surgery and talk that way."
"Why not?" said Morris, "you asked me what was wrong and I told you."
The receptionist replied, "But you've caused some embarrassment – this room is full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the real problem with the doctor in private."
So Morris walked out, waited several minutes and came in again.
The receptionist smiled and said, "Yes sir, how can we help you today?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," Morris replied.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing Morris had taken her advice.  "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't pee out of it," Morris replied.

Rebecca is 15 years old and tonight she has a date. When she finishes dressing, she comes downstairs and shocks her Booba because Rebecca is wearing a see-through blouse and she’s clearly not wearing anything underneath it. Her Booba shouts at her and tells her she mustn’t go out un-dressed like that. She looks like a tart.
But Rebecca walks out the door anyway, saying, “Booba, this is the 21st century, everybody lets their rosebuds show."
The next day, when Rebecca comes home from school, there is her Booba sitting in the lounge wearing no top. Rebecca is very embarrassed and says, “Booba, I have friends coming over and it’s not appropriate for you to...”
Her Booba interrupts and says, “Loosen up Rebecca, this is the 21st century. If you can display your rosebuds, then I can certainly display my hanging baskets."

 

Sidney goes to see his psychiatrist. As soon as he lies down on the couch, he says, “I needed to have this appointment because I’m sure I’m gay.”
Doctor Myers says, “And what, please tell me, makes you think you’re gay?”
“Well,” says Sidney, “my father Hershel was gay and so was my grandfather.”
“So what?” says doctor Myers, “that doesn’t make you gay as well. No one has proven that homosexuality is hereditary.”
“Well what if I told you that my 2 younger brothers are also gay?” says Sidney.
“Well that would be interesting,” says doctor Myers. “Is there anyone else in your family who you think is gay?”
“My cousin and uncle are,” replies Sidney.
“I must admit,” says doctor Myers, “that I’ve never come across this before. Is there anyone in your family who has sex with women?”
“Yes,” replied Sidney, “my sister.”

Rachel goes into a chemist and asks to see the pharmacist.
“How can I help you, madam?” he says.
“I need some arsenic, please,” Rachel replies.
“And what, may I ask, are you needing arsenic for?” the pharmacist says.
“I want to kill my husband.”
“Surely you know,” says the pharmacist, “that I can’t sell you any for such a use.”
Rachel gives him a photo of a naked man and naked woman clearly having sex.
Rachel says, “The man is my husband and the woman is, as I’m sure you have recognised, your wife.”
The pharmacist looks at the photo intently and says, “Oh, I didn’t know you had a prescription. I’ll go get you some arsenic.”

An elderly woman is sitting in the hospital waiting room, waiting while her daughter-in-law gives birth. A while later, a doctor comes out.

"Mrs. Goldburg, I have wonderful news! Your daughter-in-law just gave birth to twins! A boy in a girl, they are perfectly healthy! Oh, Mazel Tov!"

Mrs. Goldburg turns to Mrs. Rubenstein, who is seated next to her. "Isn't it wonderful? And look at that, my daughter-in-law just gave birth to twins, and my son works at the Twin Towers!" said Mrs. Goldburg.

A while later, another doctor comes out and walks over to Mrs. Rubenstein, another woman waiting for her daughter-in-law to give birth.

"Mrs. Rubenstein, Mazel Tov! Your daughter-in-law just gave birth to triplets! They are beautiful and healthy, and your daughter-in-law is fine."

Mrs. Rubenstein turns to Mrs. Cohen who is seated next to her.

Mrs. Rubenstein says, "Can you believe it? My daughter-in-law just had triplets, and my son works at Triple-A!"

Mrs. Cohen gets up and and begins to gather her things. "I have to get out of here! My son works at Seven-Up!"

Abe and Freda had been married for 50 years. They were having breakfast one morning when Abe said to Freda, "Just think, darling, we've now been married for 50 years."
"Yes," she replied. "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here together at this very breakfast table."
"I know," said Abe, "and we were probably sitting here naked, fifty years ago."
Freda giggled. "So what do you think? Should we get naked again to see how we feel now?"
So Abe and Freda got up, stripped naked and then sat down at the table again.
"You know, darling," Freda said breathlessly, "I think my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I’m not at all surprised," replied Abe, "one is in your tea and the other is in your porridge."

Moishe goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital.
"How are you Zeida?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better, Moishe. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK Zeida?"
"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
Moishe is alarmed at this and rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
"What on earth are you doing?" he says. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be correct?"
"Oh yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

The investigation
Sadie went to see her doctor and when he asked her about her problem, she replied that she was suffering from a discharge.
The doctor said, "OK, Undress please and go lie down on the examination table."
She did what he asked.
The doctor put on his rubber gloves and began investigating her "private parts".
After a couple of minutes, he asked Sadie, "How does that feel?"
"Wonderful," replied Sadie, "but the discharge is from my ear."

The gambler
Beckie walks into Coutts Bank in the Strand and opens an account with £500,000 in cash. Because of the amount of money, the deputy manager goes over to her, gives her his card and says, “If there’s any service you need in future, please call me directly.”
A few days later Beckie returns and deposits a further £800,000. This time the manager goes over to her, gives her his card and says, “If there’s any service you need in future, please call me directly on my private line.”
A week later Beckie returns and sees the manager. “You told me that I should just ask if I wanted anything. Well. I want to meet Lord Coutts in person.”
The manager makes a phone call and then escorts Beckie to Lord Coutts office. She is welcomed in.  “What do you do for a living?” Lord Coutts asks Beckie.
“I gamble, your lordship. I bet on almost everything and with almost anyone.”
“Well," he says, “would you like to make a bet with me and if so, about what?”
Beckie replies, “OK. I bet your lordship £100,000 that two weeks from today, your testicles will become cube shaped.”
Lord Coutts is embarrassed, but figures she’s an important client and in any case, he can't lose. So he accepts the bet.
Two weeks later Beckie returns accompanied by her associate carrying a large bag. She says that they have come to collect her bet.
Lord Coutts laughs. “But you’ve lost. My testicles are still perfectly round.”
“Your lordship,” says Beckie, “because of the size of our bet, I have a right to personally check.”
Reluctantly, Lord Coutts opens his trousers and pulls down his pants.
Beckie grasps his testicles, at which point her associate says, “Damn, Beckie, you've won yet again.”
“Won?” says Lord Coutts, “but she hasn't won.”
“Oh yes she has,” says the associate. “She bet me £500,000 that by this afternoon, she'd be holding Lord Coutts by the balls.”

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© 2008 Paul Kavanagh. All rights reserved.