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Jacqui Smith Jokes

Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price.

She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."

But if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks."

In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

Jacqui Smith walks into a store and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk explains that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'.

Suddenly, the lady throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples!!" The befuddled clerk runs away to get the store manager. The manager goes to the lady and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the lady throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples! Pinch My Nipples!!

By now a huge crowd has gathered! In shock, the manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that? In a huff, the woman says, "
Because, I Like To Have My Nipples Pinched When I'm Getting Screwed!", as my husband is watching our favourite paid-for TV channel.

The crowd broke into applause and the lady money was quickly refunded!

It's a beautiful warm spring day and Jacqui and her husband are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the sight of Jacqui in the wavy dress. Her husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that Jacqui tease the poor fellow. Her husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then her husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

All of a sudden Jacqui’s husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell Him you have a headache.", maybe that’s why he buys certain TV channels!

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after bagging items for Home Secretary Jacqui Smith wished to purchase, when she visited my shop. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a TV remote in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," replied Jacqui, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

Jacqui Smith found herself standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted her and said, "These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."

Jacqui  was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do.

"Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked. "Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."

The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is expenses . E-X-P-E-N-S-E-S" it was her favourite word. St. Peter welcomed her in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair when a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband. "What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?" Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in an accident. Did I really make it to Heaven?"

"Not yet," Jacqui replied, "You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked. Jacqui looked at him and responded, "pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism."

Jacqui Smith’s husband was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of quid for dinner.

Jacqui’s husband took out his wallet, extracted two quid and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"  "No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said. "Will you use it to gamble?" "I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" "Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

So Jacqui’s husband said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two quid. Instead, I'm going to take you to my second home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Jacqui." The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad." Jacqui’s replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

The truth about the hen-pecked husband of Jacqui Smith

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar  with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you £100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the vicar a £100 and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the vicar looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the vicar and hissed: "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put the £100 into the groom's hand and whispered: "Jacqui made me a better offer."

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© 2008 Paul Kavanagh. All rights reserved.