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Irish Jokes

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were hungry one night and had money only for a small pie. Since it was too small to divide they decided to go to sleep and The pie would go to The person who had The most interesting dream.

When they woke up in The morning. The Englishman said, 'I had a very interesting dream. I dreamed I was ruler over The whole world. You can't get more interesting than that, so I deserve The pie.'

'Hold it,' said The Scotsman. 'I dreamed I was ruler over The whole universe, so that pie belongs to me.'

'I had The most interesting dream of all,' said The Irishman. 'I dreamed I was hungry, so I got up and ate The pie.' 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all grew up in The Gaeltacht and never learned to speak English. One day they went to Dublin and The Englishman heard a man saying, 'We three,' so he went around all day saying, 'We three'. The Scotsman heard a man saying 'For The want of money', so he went around all day saying, 'For The want of money'. The Irishman heard a man saying 'We well deserve it', so he went around all day saying, 'We well deserve it'.

That evening as they were making their way home they came across a dead man lying on The ground. A policeman came up to them and said 'Who killed this man?'

'We three,' said The Englishman.

'Why did you do it?' asked The policeman.

'For The want of money,' said The Scotsman.

'You'll all go to jail,' said The policeman.

'We well deserve it,' said The Irishman.

'Excuse me,' said Mrs McCoy to the butcher. 'But there's a sausage on the floor.'

'Don't worry,' said he, 'I've got me foot on it!'  

Two ladies on a bus and one said: 'And do you know he put his hand right up my skirt.'

And the other replied: 'Not the green one with the floral pattern?'

'I couldn't believe Dublin, great city, but every Tom, Dick and Harry is called Pat!!'  

A Kerryman was working on the railroad, when suddenly a train came speeding down the track. The Kerryman took off down the track but was knocked down and badly injured. When he regained consciousness in hospital, the doctor asked him why he had not run up the embankment. 'Don't be a fool', said the Kerryman, 'if I couldn't out-run it on the flat, what chance had I running uphill?'

How do you recognise a Kerry Hippie?

Flared Wellingtons.

Why should you never give Kerry workers a tea break?

It takes too long to retrain them afterwards.

Two Kerrymen were travelling by train. All of a sudden an express train passed going the other way.

'By Jove', said one Kerryman to the other, 'that was a close shave'.

Why do Kerrymen make poor card players?

Every time they pick up a spade, they spit on their hands.

What do you find off the coast of Kerry?

Underwater lighthouses for the submarines.

How do you recognise a £1 note forged by a Kerryman?

Look for the words ILLEGAL TENDER.

A Kerryman went to a psychiatrist to get some help for his wife.

'She's got a morbid fear of having her clothes stolen, doc', he told the psychiatrist. 'Only two days ago I went home early and found she had hired a fellow to stay in the wardrobe and guard them'.

Have you heard about the Kerrywoman who tried to iron her curtains?

She fell out the window.

'What's that you're taking, Mick?' asked Jim McGee. ' Tis the secret of a good night out,' replied Mick. 'It's a mixture of Benzedrine and Valium. It makes you feel frisky but if you don't click who cares!'

Things that only the illogical Irish would say:

'You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!'

'How come every time you ring a wrong number it's never engaged?'

'Spread out in a bunch.

'Hello, Mary, how's your new false teeth?' asked Bridget.

I'm leaving them out till I get used to them!' said Mary.

'You see my real shoe size is four,' said Vera. 'But I'm wearing sevens coss fours hurt!'

As Mrs McGinty entered the house she looked up to see a ceiling 15 feet high.

'Begod,' she said to husband Seamus, 'when you said you were going to knock two rooms into one I didn't think you meant upwards!!'

'How did you get on today?' inquired the golf pro of Mick McCann.

'Well, to tell you the truth I didn't play my normal game - but then I never do!'

What is the definition of a wealthy Kerry woman?

A woman who has paid all the instalments on her false teeth.

SHOPKEEPER 'Have you any experience in porcelain?' KERRY GIRL: Yes. Many years, sir.' SHOPKEEPER: 'Well, what do you do if you break a very valuable piece?' KERRY GIRL: 'I glue it together again and place it where some customer will knock it over.' SHOPKEEPER You're hired!'

JUDGE: 'Why are you called "Lady Mary"? Surely, you have no royal blood?

KERRY WOMAN: Well sir, the "Lady" in front of my name is like when somebody calls you the "Honourable"

Judge: It doesn't mean a thing.'

Sign in Kerry hairdressing saloon: The views expressed by the hairdressers are not necessarily those of the management

DOCTOR: 'I have already given you three strong laxatives and you haven't passed a thing. What do you work at?"

KERRY GIRL: 'I work for a Kerry farmer.'

DOCTOR: That explains it. Here's £10. Go and eat something.'

What did the adding machine say to the Kerry girl?

You can count on me.

GIRL: What's the hardest thing you find about driving your new car?'

KERRY GIRL: 'Paying the instalments.'

AMERICAN VISITOR: 'And now, my dear, what will you do when you are as big as me?'

KERRY GIRL: 'Go on a diet.'

What did the Kerry woman do when the steamroller ran over her husband?

She brought him home and slipped him under the door.

A Kerry woman was overheard saying to her husband: 'Since you only clean your nails once a year the least you can do is to clean them over the geranium pot.'

KERRY FATHER TO HIS DAUGHTER: "Who was that man I saw you kissing last night, Mary?'

MARY: What time was it. Dad?'

A Kerry woman was on holiday in Dublin. She was held up by a robber.

'Give me your money or I'll beat your brains out.'

'Beat away,' the Kerry woman said. 'I can live without brains but not without money in Dublin.'

Then there was the Kerry woman who boasted that her husband was listed in Booze Who!

KERRY GIRL: 'My mother collects fleas for a hobby.'

CORK GIRL: 'What does your father do?

KERRY GIRL: 'Scratches himself.

I'm not responsible for this crash.' explained the Kerry woman indignantly. 'I turned the way I indicated.'

'Exactly,' answered the unfortunate Corkman, 'that's what fooled me!'

FIRST KERRYMAN: 'How is your wife getting on with her driving lessons?'

SECOND KERRYMAN: 'Not so bad. The road is beginning to turn when she does.'

What's a pauper?

The man who marries a Kerry Woman.

Notice in Senior Kerry Girls School:

Please keep this door shut and try to keep your mouth the same way.

FIRST KERRY WOMAN: 'And she told me you told her the secret I told you not to tell her.'

SECOND KERRY WOMAN: The mean thing. I told her not to tell you I told her.'

FIRST KERRY WOMAN: 'Well, I told her I wouldn't tell you she told me, so don't tell her I told you.'

Then there is the Kerry woman who giftwraps her rubbish every week. She drives into Limerick, leaves the window open and the parcel on the front seat. Every time she goes back to the car the rubbish has always been collected.

WORKMAN: 'He who courts and runs away, may live to court another day.'

KERRY WOMAN: Yes, but he who courts and does not wed, may find himself in court instead.'

KERRY FISHERMAN PROPOSING TO YOUNG WIDOW: 'Molly, darling, your boat is drifting down the stream of life with no strong hand to steer it safely past the rocks. May I be your captain and sail it for you?'

KERRY WIDOW: 'No, Jack, but you may be my second mate if you like.'

SCHOOL INSPECTOR IN A LONDON SCHOOL: 'Have you any abnormal children in your class, Miss Murphy?'

KERRY TEACHER 'Oh yes, Inspector. One or two of them have good manners.'

CORK WOMAN: 'Why are you so happy?'

KERRY WOMAN: 'I have a lovely home, paid for. two lovely children, a lot of good Investments, a husband Insured for £100,000 and he's not In the best of health!'

NURSE TO SMALL KERRY GIRL: The stork brought you a baby brother last night. Do you want to see him?'

KERRY GIRL: 'No. I want to see the stork!'

Letter from a Kerry girl to her boyfriend:

Dear Bill, the reason I didn't laff at you when you laft at me in the street yesterday was becos I have a bile on me face and cant laff. If I laff 'twil burst. But I loves you Bill, bile or no bile, laff or no laff.

Mary.

The whole life story of a Kerry woman was revealed in the letters she produced in court during a breach of promise case. They were:

Dear Mr Smith: My dear John: My darling John: My own darling Jack: Dear John: Dear Sir: Sir.

Motto of Kerry hen: An egg a day keeps the knife away.

Then there was the Kerry girl who said she didn't dress to please other men but to worry other women.

KERRY WOMAN: 'I had my husband well insured.'

CORK WOMAN: 'What did you get out of it?'

KERRY WOMAN: 'My second husband.'

Definition of an intellectual Kerryman:

one who visits an art gallery even when it's not raining.

A Kerry town had just provided a beautiful ornamental lake for its town park. One councillor proposed that they buy a gondola and place it on the lake.

'I've got a better idea', said a second councillor, 'why not buy two gondolas, a male and a female, and let Nature take its course?'

Two Kerrymen attended a performance by the world's leading blind pianist.

'It wouldn't matter to him if he wasn't blind', remarked one Kerryman afterwards.

'How do you make that out?' asked the other Kerryman.

'Well, I kept a close eye on him all evening and he never looks at the piano anyhow'.

Two Kerrymen were in a space rocket. The first left the rocket on a space walk, and when he returned he knocked on the capsule door.

'Who's there?' asked the second Kerryman.

What do you call a Kerryman with eight honours in his Inter Cert?

A liar.

A Kerryman was selling his cow at the market.

'She'll give milk year after year without having a calf, he told a prospective buyer, 'because she came of a cow that never had a calf.

There were ninety-eight Kerrymen jammed into a bus, so the conductor called out "There's no need for all this crush, there's another bus behind'. So the ninety-eight Kerrymen got out of the first bus and jammed into the bus behind.

A Kerryman bought a watch at a sale but returned a few days later and complained that the watch lost fifteen minutes in each hour.

'Of course it does', said the jeweller, 'my sign says, ALL WATCHES 25% OFF'.

Two Kerrymen each had a horse, but they couldn't tell them apart. So the first cut the tail off his horse, and all went well for a while. But then the second Kerryman's horse lost its tail in an accident, so they were back where they started. Finally, they consulted a wise man in the village where they lived and he said: 'Can't you two fools see that the black horse is three inches taller than the white horse?'

It is not widely known that God at first intended to have His son bom in Kerry. There was only one snag - He couldn't find three wise men.

A lady hired three Kerrymen to move her furniture. When she saw two of them struggling to carry a wardrobe upstairs, she asked where the third was. 'Oh he's in the wardrobe stopping the wire coat-hangers from rattling'.

A Kerryman wrote the following letter to the editor of a newspaper:

Dear Sir,

Last week I lost my gold pocket watch, so yesterday I put in an ad. in your LOST AND FOUND columns. Last night I found the watch in the trousers of my other suit.

God Bless your newspaper.

A Kerryman went to Dublin to earn his living as a con man. He didn't fare too well, however. The first fellow to whom he tried to sell O'Connell Bridge turned out to be the owner and the Kerryman had to give him £20 to stop him reporting the incident to the Guards.

A Kerryman joined the New York police force and was given a patrol car to drive. The climax of his career came when he gave chase to the most wanted gang of criminals in the city, in his patrol car. Unfortunately, he noticed from his mileometer that the 20,000 miles were up, so he had to pull into a garage for an oil change.

What do you call a Kerryman who is hanging from the ceiling?

Sean D'Olier.

A Kerryman got a job driving a one-man bus. One day there was a terrible crash and he was charged with dangerous driving. When asked by the judge what had happened he retorted,

'How should I know, I was upstairs collecting fares at the time'.

What do you find at the top of a Kerry ladder?

A STOP sign.

A Kerryman was giving a lecture on Archaeology. 'Look at some of the cities of antiquity', he exclaimed, 'some of them have perished so utterly that it is doubtful whether they ever existed'.

How do you recognise a Kerry business executive?

He's the one wearing pin-striped Wellingtons.

A Kerryman was being treated for years by the doctor for lumbago. Just as the treatment had taken effect, the Kerryman died of a rare tropical disease - frostbite. 'At least', the- doctor consoled his widow, 'you have the consolation of knowing he died cured'.

A Kerryman had identical twin sons named Shane and Bryan. When asked how he could tell them apart he replied, 'I put my finger in Shane's mouth and if he bites me I know it's Bryan'.

A Cork girl wanted to marry a Kerryman, but her parents refused to give their consent. The lovers decided to commit suicide by jumping off the Cliffs of Moher. Only the girl hit the water, however. The Kerryman got lost on the way down.

Kerry workman to his workmate:

'Don't come down that ladder, Mick, I've taken it away'.

Have you heard about the Kerryman who went into a posh restaurant?

He ordered an expensive four-course meal, paid for it, and then sneaked out without eating it.

A tourist travelling in Kerry ordered coffee without cream in a cafe.

We haven't a drop of cream in the house, sir', said the waitress,

Would it do if I served you coffee without milk?'

A Kerryman told a friend that he hadn't a living relative in the world except a cousin who died four years ago in America.

What do you call a Kerryman who rides his bicycle on the pavement?

A psychopath.

Then there was the Kerryman who thought that Sherlock Holmes was a block of flats.

 

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© 2008 Paul Kavanagh. All rights reserved.