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Irish Girl Jokes

Irish Girl Jokes

He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

Irish Morality

A teenage runaway gives her father a nasty shock


An Irish girl who had not seen her parents for over five years came home unexpectedly one day. No sooner has she set foot inside the house than her father rounded on her angrily: "Mother of God, Roisin! Where have you been all this time? Look at the state of you, girl! You're wearing lipstick and that skirt barely covers your bottom! You shameless ingrate! You left us without a word on your sixteenth birthday and we've not had so much as a line from you in five years. Why didn't you call? Do you have any idea what you've put your poor Mam through?!"

Roisin started crying and sobbed: "Oh da...I fell in with a bad crowd...sniff...started sleeping around...took drugs...sniff...and then I became a prostitute..."
"Holy Mary!" shouted her father. "What did you say? A PROSTITUTE!? You evil little sinner! You're a disgrace to this family—I don't ever want to see your face again!"

"OK, Da," said Roisin, dying her eyes on an expensive, silk handkerchief. "I only came back to give Mum this fur coat, the title deeds to a ten-bedroomed villa in Spain and a savings account certificate for five million Euros. For my little brother, Sean...I got this gold Rolex, and for you, dearest Da—the 'S' type Jag that's parked outside—plus lifetime membership to the Ballymurphy Golf Club...(takes a deep breath)...and an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve with me on board my new yacht on the French Riviera, and—"

Her Father interrupted and asked: "What was it you said you had become again?"
His daughter started crying again and sobbed: "Sniff...a dirty little slut, Da...sniff...a shameless harlot who sells her body for money...a—a PROSTITUTE!"

Oh! Sweet Bejeesus! The Lord be praised!" exclaimed her father, clasping her to his bosom. "You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said 'a Protestant.' Come here and give your Da a kiss!"

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.


An Irish blonde's Brain at work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.

She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.
In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

Q: What’s the difference between BSE and PMT?

A: One is mad cow disease while the other has something to do with beef.

Lighter Than Air

An Irish blonde is overweight so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days," he tells her. "Then skip a day and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly four stone. "Why that's amazing," the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger you mean?" Asks the doctor.
"No," replies the blonde, "from skipping."


Irish girl confesses sins

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."

This is a true story told to me by a friend who was dating an Irish girl.

My friend dropped in to visit and the girl’s mother made a pot of tea. The girl sipped the hot tea and burned her tongue. So she rushed over to the fridge, opened the freezer and put her tongue in the freezer - where her tongue promptly stuck to the rack. The girl was making strange noises and waving her amrs around, so the mother realized what had happened and turned the fridge power off at the wall. My firend couldn’t stop laughing.
Sequel: the relationship didn’t last.

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin is involved in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your Uncle from Cork came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my Uncle... he's an nutcase!"

She asks the doctor," Well, what's the girl's name?"


"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"



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