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Ipswich Town Jokes

Why do people take instant dislike to Ipswich fans? Because it just saves time!

What is the difference between an Ipswich fan and a coconut? One's thick and hairy.... and the others a tropical fruit!

Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams. The first one asks, "Oh lord, when will England win the world cup again?" God replies "At the next world cup" "But I will be dead by then", said the old man. The second fan asks "When will Spurs next win a European Cup?" "In ten years time", god replies. But I’ll be dead by then, said the old man The last man asks "When will Ipswich next win the Premier League?" God thinks and then says "I will be dead by then"

The work of a Tractor contractor

1. At no point shall the amount a time per week Mr Keane spends walking his dog exceed the amount of time spent training the squad of Ipswich Town Football Club.
2. The Ipswich Town squad will not consist of more than four failed Manchester United players at any given time

A reporter from the EDP is interviewing Jim Magilton and Peter Grant. He first asks Magilton his long term plans for Ipswich are. "Well I see us becoming a average Premier League team that don't have to worry about relegation", he answers. He then asks Grant the same question. "I think we can mount a real attack for the title and then bring back the European Cup ten times in ten years and then become the greatest team in the world" "Don't you think that's a bit over the top Peter?" Asks the reporter. To which Peter replies "Well, Jim started it!"

What do you say to an Ipswich fan with a job? Can I have a Big Mac and chips Please!

What's the difference between Andy Marshall and a taxi driver? The taxi driver will only let four in!

How many Roy Keanes does it take to change a light bulb?
One - he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him

What's the difference between Roy Keane and God.
God doesn't think he is Roy Keane.

What's the difference between BSE and Roy Keane.
BSE got to Japan.

What's the difference between Roy Keane and a tea bag.
The tea bag is in the cup longer.

What do you get if you offer Roy Keane a penny for his thoughts.
Change.

Roy Keane bra - no cup, no support.

A Ipswich fan and a Norwich fan are in the pub watching the 6 O'clock news. A man is shown threatening to jump of a bridge. The Ipswich fan bets the Norwich fan £20 that he wont jump. The Norwich fan quickly takes the bet. Sure enough the man jumps. So the Ipswich fan reluctantly hands over the £20. The Norwich fan says to him "I can't take this" But the Ipswich fan replies "No, a bets a bet. You won it, so take the money." The Norwich fan then confesses. "Listen, I have to admit that I saw the 5 O'clock news, so can't take your money." The Ipswich fan replies, "So did I, but never thought he would jump again"!!!

What is the difference between the Ipswich Town team bus and a hedgehog? A hedgehog has pricks on the outside!

A young lad is totally into tractors.  He subscribes to the latest magazines, he know the latest models etc.  One day however, he sees a tractor kill a dog and he becomes less and less interested in tractors because every time he thinks of them he is reminded of the poor dog.

10 years pass and the lad (now a young man) walks into a bar with his girlfriend.

Girlfriend : God I hate it when its so smoky in these places?

The lad takes a deep breath and much to his girlfriends amazement he then proceeds to breathe in all the smoke in the bar.

Girlfriend : Wow,  how did you do that??

Young Man : Didn't you know that I'm an ex-tractor fan!!

Q: What's the difference between Roy Keane and Frank Carson?
A: Roy Keane gets more bookings in a season!

An appeal to help the poor out there. 

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Ipswich in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in the dump. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaa**inell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £ 30 worth of damage. 1000's of caravans and several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars and rubbish piles were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Also a flag bearing the words 'Were going down... again' printed on it- and a tag on it which read 'On loan from Wolves' was found beneath the rubble. The Ipswich town football club cup room was also severely damaged. Many saucers were found broken. Also the roof of the ipswich town north stand was damaged- damaged extending into the region of five pounds.

Radio Suffolk reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Ipswich. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha in my caravan the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including (Stolen) benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.


HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White sport socks Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Lidl's brand lager/cider.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys ciggarettes and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected

Also 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.

Please don't show this to anyone living in Ipswich as they are already devastated enough- oh, sod it...they won't be able to read it anyway.

 

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