A fine quotation is a diamond on the finger of a man of wit, and a pebble in the hand of a fool
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Funny Quotes

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
- Bob Ettinger

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to
teach you how to swim."'
- Paula Poundstone

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of
that!'"

-Dave Barry

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

"We have women in the military, but they don't put them in the front
lines. They don't know if they can fight or if they can kill. I think
they can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say,
'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those
uniforms.'"
-Elayne Boosler

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
- George Carlin

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his
sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car...

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
- Conan O'Brien

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through
my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow
learner."
- Lynda Montgomery

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with
a riding vacuum cleaner."
- Roseanne

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.



"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.'"
- Richard Jeni

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would
be dead."
-Johnny Carson

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!



"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
- Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and
that's the law."
- Jerry Seinfeld

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
- Warren Hutcherson

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
- Oscar Wilde

"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution
yet."
-Mae West

"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of
Congress... But I repeat myself."
- Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Kuwait."
- A. Whitney Brown

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house,"
- Lewis Grizzard

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the
end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
-- Jeff Foxworthy

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
- Robin Williams

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base."
- Dave Barry

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
-Marilyn Pittman

Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet,"
- Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself."
- Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
- Billy Crystal

 

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