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Football Jokes

 Sunderland manager Roy Keane walked into the Nationwide Building Society

one day whilst a robbery was in progress. One of the robbers hit him over

the head and knocked Keano out. Whilst coming around, Roy said "Christ,

where the hell am I"

One of the staff told him he was in the Nationwide

Keano replied - "It's May already then!"

Harry Redknapp arranged to send all his Portsmouth players on an all expenses paid holiday to Florida to prepare for the next season, but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like on an open top bus.

What do you call a Scottish player in the first round of the World Cup?

The Referee!

What does James Beattie do after Everton beat Liverpool?

Turn off the Playstation!

Everton have a new sponsor:  EASY JET.

In and Out of Europe in 90 minutes.

Q: How do you define 144 Chelsea fans

A: Gross Stupidity

Q: Why aren't the England football team allowed to own a dog?

A: Because they can't hold on to a lead.

Q: What's the difference between the England team and a tea-bag?

A: The tea-bag stays in the cup longer.

Q: Why do the English make better lovers than the Portuguese/Germans?

A: Because English are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second!

Q: What is common between a 3-pin plug and the England football team?

A: They are both useless in Europe!

Q: What's the difference between O J Simpson and England?

A: O J Simpson had a more credible defence

Q. What's the difference between the English and a jet engine?

A. A jet engine eventually stops whining.

Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and Jimmy Hill. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?

A. Shoot Jimmy Hill - twice.

Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead English football fan on the road?

A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. What do English football fans and sperm have in common?

A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. If you see an English football fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?

A. It could be your bicycle.

Q. What do you have when 100 English football fans are buried up to their necks in sand?

A. Not enough sand.

Oxo were going to bring out a Euro 2004 Commemorative cube painted red, white and blue in honour of the England squad. But it was a laughing stock and crumbled in the box.

And if these were not your cup o char...

Q: What's the difference between The Invisible Man and Scotland?

A: You've got more chance of seeing The Invisible Man at the World Cup Finals.

Q: What's the difference between a PG Tips monkey and a Scottish footballer?

A: A PG Tips monkey has been seen holding a cup. 

Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:

"Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan."

So, one of them asked the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"

A little boy took his parents to court because he did not want to live with them anymore. The honored judge said to him "So why don't you want to live with your dad?"

"Because he beats me" said the little boy.

"Why don't you want to live with your mum then?" asked the judge.

Because she beats me aswell.

"Oh" said the judge "Well who would you like to live with then?"

The little boy replied" I would like to live with Southampton FC, because they don't beat anyone!!"

Apparantly, Blackburn football club is under investigation by the Inland Revenue for tax evasion.

- they've been claiming for Silver Polish for the past 30 years.

Q: What's the difference between an Everton fan and a supermarket trolley?

A: The trolley has a mind of it's own.

Q: How many Manchester City soccer fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.

Q. What's the difference between a Hibernian fan and a coconut?

A. You can get a drink out of a coconut!

A Bloke walks into a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental brass rat, the sort of thing women of a certain age love to put on the mantlepiece. He thinks "that'll be perfect for his Mother's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.

"£25 for the rat, £100 for the story", replies the man.

"Forget the story" says the bloke, and so buys the rat for 25 quid. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 30 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop.....

"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story"

"Screw the story - do you have a brass man utd fan?"

A Rangers and Celtic fan get into a nasty car accident. Both vehicles are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic fan says, "So you're a Rangers fan, that's interesting. I'm a Celtic fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The Rangers fan replied,"Totally agree - this must be a sign from God!" The Rangers fan went on, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and kicking?"

He hands the bottle to the Celtic fan who nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Rangers fan. The Rangers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands back to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Rangers fan replies, "Nah...I think I'll just wait for the police......"

A wee fella hands over a £50 note to the turnstile operator at St James Park

Fella:                      Two please.

Turnstile Operator:    Will that be defenders or strikers, sir?


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