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English Jokes

English Jokes

Why are Irish Jokes so simple....So the English can understand them !!!

A man comes into a pub, sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bar keeper brings him his beer. After he has drunk it, he grabs in his bag and puts a small piano on the bar, grabs in his bag and puts a small chair on the bar and grabs a third time in his bag and sits down a small man on that chair.
And the small man plays piano very well, a the most beautiful music they've ever heard. After he's finished, everyone applauds. And the bar keeper asks the man: "Where do you have it from? It's so wonderful."

And the man said: "I own an genie-lamp. And so I got this by a wish of mine. Hey," he said to the bar keeper, "do you have a wish? You can wish you everything!"

"Me?", the bar keeper asks. "I have a wish for free? Coo-ool." Ok, no sooner said than done, the man grabs in his bag and gets out from it the meant lamp. He rubs at the side of the lamp and the genie appears: "Ok, buddy. You have one wish for free." And the bar keeper says: "I wanna have one million dollars!" The genie snap one's fingers and disappears, and all over the bottom are dugs. Small, yellow cackling dugs. And the bar keeper said to the man: "But I wanna have dollars, not dugs." And the man: "Do you really think, I've asked for a 12 inches pianist?"

Q: What's the main difference between intelligence and ignorance?
A: I don't know and I don't care!

Q: What's white and hangs down from a cloud?
A: The coming of the lord.

Q: What's the different between a girl taking a bath, and a nun?
A: A nun has hope in her soul, and the girl has soap in her hole.

Did you know that takes 5 babies to make 1 bottle of baby-oil?

Q: What's the best way to make a nun pregnant?
A: Fuck her!

Q: What were Christy McAuliffe's last words before the Challanger disaster?
A: What does this button do?

Q: How did they know that Vic Morrow had dandruff?
A: They found his head and shoulders in the bushes

Q: How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A: One, but you must slice him really thin.

Q: Why doesn't jesus like to eat M&Ms?
A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands.


One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"

Q: What's the difference between a laywer and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a laywer and a vulture?
A: Laywer aren't an endangerd species.

Q: What does vegetarian dingos eat?
A: Cabbage patch kids.

Q: What's red and wet and spread for miles?
A1: Baby dropped through helicoper blades.
A2: Baby tossed in a jet intake at 30'000 feet. (Really spread around)

Q: What's the thing Jesus heard?
A: Cross your legs, we've got only three nails.

Q: What do you call big, ugly, hairy nun driving motorcycles?
A: Hell's Angels of Mercy.

Q: What do you call an anorexic with yeast infection?
A: A quarter pounder with cheese.

An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."

Q: What's one of the pros of marrying a mexican?
A: Unlimited supply of natural gas.

Q: How many paranoic people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Who want's to know?

Q: Why don't epileptics order Cokes at McDonalds?
A: They have the shakes instead.

Q: What's the difference between a jar of afterbirth and a jar of sand?
A: You can't gargle sand.

Q: How do you get 5 babies in a shoebox?
A: With cuisinart.

Q: Why should you put a baby in a blender feet first?
A: To see the expression on its face.


Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"

A man was injected with a deadly poison, but, it did not kill him. Why?

He was already dead!


A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties (a Scots word for potatoes). An American farmer looked over the fence and said
"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"

The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!"


1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?

2nd Eskimo: Alaska

1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!


Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?
A: Because they can.

Q: Why are womens ass's and cunts so close together?
A: So you can pich them up like a sixpack

Q: have you seen Stevie Wonders new car?
A: No, but neither has he.

Mommy, mommy, daddy just poisened my cat!
Maybe he had to dear. I know, but he said I could do it!


What is the longest word in the English language?

"Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!


There are 5 birds in a tree. A hunter shoots 2 of them dead. How many birds are left?

2 birds. The other 3 fly away!


An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."


The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"


What's the definition of a pessimist? A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.


Mark called in to see his friend Angus (a Scotman) to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Angus replied "No. I'm moving house."



Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''


Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked. "Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric. "Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"


How do you count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.


A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."


An Irishman had no idea his wife was having an affair, so he was mad with grief when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act.

He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out laughing.

"What do you think you're laughing at," he cried, "you're next."


At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"


A customer ordered some coffee in a cafe. The waitress arrived with the coffee and placed it on the table. After a few moments, the customer called for the waitress "Waitress," he said, "there's dirt in my coffee!". "That's not surprising, sir, replied the waitress, "It was ground only half an hour ago."


Two Americans are talking. One asks: "What's the difference between capitalism and communism?"
"That's easy" says the other one. "In capitalism man exploits man! In communism it is the other way around!"

A priest getting ready to hear confessions duddenly realized that he desparately had to go to the bathroom. He looked outside the confessional and saw the janitor walking by. He pulled him aside and said: "Look, I really gotta go to the bathroom, but people are lining up for confession. Could you take over for a few minutes?" The janitor began to protest, but the priest said: "Look, its easy. I have the sins and give them penance. No one will know it's you in there" The janitor agreed and took his place in the confessional.

The first parishioner entered the confessional and began "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have commited adultery." The janitor looked on the chart and found "Adultery - 20 Hail Mary". He mumbled some forgiveness sounding words and told the parishioner to say 20 Hail Marys. The parishioner thanked him and left. The janitor breathed a sign of relief.

The second parishioner entered the confessional and began "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have used the Lord's name in vain." The janitor looked down the list "Lord's name in vail - 5 Hail Marys", and assigned them. The janitor thought "Hey, I can do this. I just might get away with it!"

The third parishioner entered and began, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have engaged in anal sex." The janitor consulted his chart, but could find neither "Anal Sex" nor "Sex, Anal". He began to get worried. He looked out of the confessional and spied an altar walking by. He motioned the boy over. In a hushed voice, he said "Tell me something kid, what does the priest give for anal sex?". The altar boy looked him quizzically and said, "Well, two twinkies and a glass of milk."



This little 6 year old girl comes running home all distressed and howling her head off. Her mother, finally gets it out of her between the bawling, that her daughter has been raped. The mother settles the little girl down, enough to get her to the police station, to report this horrible act.
At the police station, the sergent interviewing the little girl, asks as nicely as he can: "Could you please tell me what the nasty man did, so we can get him?"
The little girl sobs "Yeah, I'll try sniff, sniff"
Policeman: "Righto then what's happened?"
Girl: "
sob Well I was walking down the street to get mummy some milk. sniff sob When the big nasty man jumped out and grabbed me bawl"
Policeman: "Yes please go on ..."
Girl: "Then
sob sob he lifted up my dress howl"
Policeman: "then? ..."
Girl: "He pulled down my pants ...
absolutely bawling now ..... no I can't go on ...."
The sergent then stands up from behind the desk wanking himself for dear life and says "

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly." 

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again

An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."

An Englishman asked an Irishman to show him the biggest building in an Irish town.

"There it is now" said the Irishman, "isn't it a fine structure entirely?"

"Is that your biggest building?" asked the Englishman.

"Why back in England we have buildings over a hundred times the size of that!"

"I'm not surprised," said the Irishman," that's the local lunatic asylum."

Three friends - Aboriginal, Jew and Australian, spend each night together drinking beer in an outback pub. One night as they're leaving, a road-train comes through the town and kills all three. The next day, the publican is surprised to see the Australian - who assumed dead - walked through the door. The Australian tells him, "Well, we were all killed, but when we got to the pearly gates, St. Peter said we could come back to earth if we pay him $20."
"Well, obviously, you paid up, but what happened to your friends?"
"The jew's trying to haggle him down to $10, and the aboriginal is trying to convince him that the government will pay for it."

Did you hear about the Englishman who told his chauffeur to drive over a cliff?  He wanted to commit suicide! an Englishman who takes a bath every day very clean or very dirty?

Have you heard about the Englishman who thought the world's most famous inventor was an Irishman called Pat Pending?

Never ask a foreigner where he is from.  If he is not english he will tell you within a few minutes, and if he is English, why embarrass him?

They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke.  The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.

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© 2008 Paul Kavanagh. All rights reserved.