Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense

Dublin Jokes

Dublin Jokes

It's New Year's Day in Dublin, and this Baskerville font walks into a pub, goes up to the barman and says: "A pint of stout please." Nervously, the barman serves up the pint. After half a dozen pints, the barman goes to where the Baskerville font is standing by the counter and says: "We don't see many of your type around here." The font replies: "I'm not surprised at five euros a bleedin' pint."


The Good Dublin Samaritan

This bloke is in our pub in Temple Bar, really drunk.   Some lads decide to be good Samaritans and get him home. So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times. They ring the bell, and the bloke's wife looks livid.   One of them says: "Here's your husband, Missus! Safe and sound."   And the wife says: "Yeah right. Now where the hell is his wheelchair?"


Q: What separates human and animals?
A: The Liffey

Q:What do you call a northsider in a suit?
A: The defendant

Q:What is the most confusing day for a northsider?
A: Father's day

Q: How do you know you're at a northsider's wedding?
A: Everyone's on one side of the church

 


Subject: Breaking News

Latest news reports advise that a cell of four terrorists has been operating in the West Tallaght area of Dublin.

Gardaí advised earlier today that three of the four have already been detained. The District Garda Commissioner stated that the terrorists: Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have all been arrested on immigration issues.

The police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member : Bin Workin, in the area. Gardaí are however, confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be extremely easy to spot in the community.


Why are Corkman jokes so simple?
So Dubliners can understand them.

Why is the wheelbarrow the greatest of all human inventions?
It taught Dubliners to walk on their hind legs.

What is coloured light blue and lies at the bottom of Cork Harbour?
A Dubliner found telling Corkman jokes.

What did God say when he made his second Dubliner?
'I must be losing my touch'.

How do you tell the age of a Dubliner?
Cut off his head and count the rings.

What is the difference between a Dubliner and a ham sandwich?
The average ham sandwich is only half an inch thick.

Why do so many Dubliners have scratched faces?
From trying to eat with forks.

How do you keep Dubliners out of your house?
Hide the key under a bar of soap.

A Dubliner on holiday in the country found three bottles of milk in a field. He thought he had discovered a cow's nest.

How do you recognise the bride at a Dublin wedding? She's the one wearing the white maternity dress.

Why do Dubliners have big noses?
Dubliners have big fingers.

Two Dublin trade unionists were discussing the beauties of nature and the coming of spring.
'I see that the snowdrops are out', said one. 'How will that affect us? ' asked the other.


This young Dublin fella comes home all excited to tell his ma he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says: "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you just try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees, so the next day he brings along three beautiful and sits them down on the couch and they chat away for a while. He then says: "Right, OK Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did ye know?"

"I don't like her."


Two howaya sluts walk into Brown Thomas (Dublin), they stroll up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.   Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it: 'Dat's quite nice innit, don't you tink Jacinta?'. 'Yeah, what's it called?'. 'Viens a moi' 'VIENS A MOI, what the f##k does that mean? At this stage the assistant offers some help. 'Viens a moi, ladies, is French for "come to me".  Sharon, takes another sniff and offers her arm to Jacinta again saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?".


There was this zebra who'd lived her entire life in Dublin Zoo and was getting on a bit, so the kind zookeeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a nice farm near Mullingar.

The zebra was so excited, she got to see this big huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited like, "Hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?"
"I'm a cow."
"Right, right. What do ye do?"
"I make milk for the farmer."
"Cool beans!"

The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"
"I'm a chicken."
"Oh, right. What do ye do?"
"I make eggs for the farmer."
"Right, great, see yez around."

Then the zebra saw this really handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her, only without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"
"I am a stallion," said the stallion.
"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"
"Take off your pyjamas, missus, and I'll show ye."


The Dublin Maternity Hospital

A heavily pregnant skanger girl phones the maternity hospital, obviously in some state of agitation:
"Nurse, nurse, I think me waters have broken."
Nurse: "OK, love stay calm love. Where are ye ringing from?"
Girl:    "Oh, from me gee to me knees."


The Guinness Bet

A Texan walks into a pub in Temple Bar, Dublin and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Dubliners are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.   One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Dub.    The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Dub tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.   The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.   The Texan gives the Dub the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"   The Dub replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."


There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Dublin, Ireland.

At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.    "Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."


An executive in one of those doggy Financial Centre dot.com type businesses was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff.   He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Janet or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Janet came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said:
"Janet, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Janet replied, "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."


This bloke turned up at Mountjoy Jail the other day claiming to be a painter. He offered to do portraits of all the inmates. He was obviously a con artist.


So these two Dublin lads, Shay and Jimmy, are lost in the Sahara desert. They're only desperate for water, but just as they think they're about to die, they chance upon a village where market day is in full swing. They go to the first stall they see, and Shay asks if they can buy some water.

"No," replies the Bedouin stall owner, "I only sell fruit. Try the next stall."

So off they go to the next stall and this time Jimmy asks for some water. "Sorry," says the merchant, "But I only sell custard."

"Custard???? Custard????" Shay says to Jimmy. "What kinda feckin' place is this?"

By now totally desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told, "Sorry, but I only sell jelly."

Hearing this, Jimmy turns to Shay and says, "Janey mac - this is a trifle bazaar."


After getting back from the Sahara, Shay decides to quit life in Dublin and head to the mid-lands and start a farm.   One of his new neighbours encourages him, and to help him get started, gives him 100 chickens.   A month later they meet in the village and the neighbour asks how the chickens are doing.  "They are all dead" Shay tells him.  "I can't understand why"   The neighbour feels sorry for him and offers another 100 chickens.   A month later they meet up again in the village and the neighbour asks how the second lot of chickens are doing.  "They are all dead" Shay tells him again.  "I think I must be planting them too deep"


"The Moral Of The Story"

The teacher gave her class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Sinead said: "My da's says eggs are important and we should eat plenty. One time we were taking our eggs home from the supermarket in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke on the dashboard and made a right mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Fionnula raised her hand and said: "Our family have a farm. We raise chickens for the meat factory. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story, Fionnula. Shane, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, Miss. My Da told me this story about my Auntie Karen. Auntie Karen went to live in the States in the 1980s when she couldn't get a job.  Later she was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bale out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of Irish Whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your Dad tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f*** away from Auntie Karen when she's been drinking.


Working for the Council

Two workmen were approached by a passer by who asked what they were doing...

"Well, we work for Dublin City Council" one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Decco, and Mick. I dig the hole, Decco sticks in the tree and Mick, here, puts the dirt back."

"Now, just because Decco's sick, that don't mean that Mick and me can't work."


A lost helicopter

A helicopter was flying around above South Dublin recently when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and rain (Summer in Dublin 2002), the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.

Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER DUBLIN." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to Baldonnell airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building at Sandyford because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."


Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a the Bank of Ireland branch in College Green and went in to ask for an immediate loan of €5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground car-park for safe keeping, and gave him €5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.

"That will be €5,000 in principal, and €15.00 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a multi-millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow €5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I safely park my Rolls-Royce in Dublin city centre for two weeks and pay only €15.00?"


Pub Jokes . . .

A man walks into a pub with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, "Pint please, and one for the road."
A duck walks into a bar. The barman says "Hey, your pants are down" (think about it)
A woman walks into a pub and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gives her one.


Dubliners in Hell

Two guys from Dublin die and wake up in hell. The devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in anoraks and hoodies warming themselves around the fire.

The devil asks, "Isn't it hot enough for you?"

They reply, "'Well, we're from Dublin bud, and it's always raining. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit and dry out eh".

The devil decides they aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, there they are, still in anoraks and hoodies.   The devil asks again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"

Again they reply, "Well, like we told ya, we're from Dublin, it's even wetter than Cork, and we're just happy for a chance to warm up and dry out a little, eh."

This gets the devil steamed up. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go.

People are wailing and screaming. He finds the two Dubliners in light jackets, grilling sausages and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Dubliners reply, "We don't get much warm weather in Dublin. We've just got to have a cook-out when the weather is THIS nice."

The devil is furious, and decides to turn all the heat off in hell.

The next morning, icicles are everywhere, people are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles. He finds the two Dubliners back in their anoraks and hoodies. But now they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling & screaming like mad men!

The Devil is dumbfounded. "When I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?"

The Dubliners look at the devil in surprise, "Don't you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean that Dublin has won the All-Ireland Hurling Championship!"


The state of Ballymun

Mick from Ballymun was unemployed last summer and was fierce upset with the tragic events that unfolded on September 11th. Unable to donate money to the charities that sprang up, but nonetheless wanting to help in some small way, he read on P45.net's website about a really cheap flight and managed to extricate himself over to New York and turn up at "Ground Zero". He asked if he could help in any way, so the chief told him to "sign in", grab a pick and a shovel from anywhere and help one of the digging teams. One month later, word spread around the site that George Bush had arrived and he wanted to meet the volunteers. So they all lined up to meet the President. So Bush shook the first man's hand, asked him his name and where he was from. "I'm Carl from Cleveland, Mr President," said the first lad. "Well Carl, it's so darn good to have you here and I want you to let everyone in Ohio know just how grateful we are that you men and women from Ohio have come to help New York in its time of need. Thank you and well done." He went to the next bloke. "I'm Chuck and I'm from Orlando, Mr President." "Good to meet you too, Chuck, thanks for your help, and again, I'd like you to thank all the guys and girls from Florida who have come to help here at Ground Zero." Finally he came to Mick. "Howrya. I'm Mick and I'm from Ballymun." A little confused, Bush said: "Good to meet you Mick, what state is Ballymun in?" "Jaysus, much the same as round here."


A faulty Camera

A woman walks into Dixons to return a faulty camera she just purchased the day before. She walks up to the Customer Service counter and slams the camera down. The pimple-faced boy looks up and says, "Welcome to Dixons. May I help you?"
The woman glares at him and says, "I'd like to return this camera I bought yesterday."
The boy, looking puzzled, asks, "Ok, ma'am. Do you have your receipt?"
She shakes her head no. The clerk then says, "I'm sorry ma'am, without a receipt, you cannot make a return."
The woman begins to yell, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The boy is embarrassed and confused. He looks around and spots his manager; frantically, he beckons him over. "Sir, this lady would like to return this camera she bought yesterday."
The manager looks at the woman and says, "Do you have a receipt?" Once again, the woman says no. "I'm sorry, the Dixons policy states that we cannot take returns without a receipt."
Suddenly, the woman begins to shout again, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The manager looks at her and says, "Why do you keep saying to grab your breasts?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Because, I like to have my breasts grabbed when I'm getting f**ked!"


The old man and Leinster House

Shortly after Albert Reynolds took office, an old man approached Leinster House from the park in Merrion Square where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Garda standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with Mr Haughey."

The Garda looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr Haughey is no longer Taoiseach and no longer works here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached Leinster House and said to the same Garda, "I would like to go in and meet with Mr Haughey." The Garda again told the man, "Sir, Mr Haughey is no longer Taoiseach and no longer here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached Leinster House and spoke to the very same Garda, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with Mr Haughey."

The Garda, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr Haughey; I've told you already that Mr Haughey is no longer the Taoiseach and no longer works here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Garda and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."


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