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David Beckham Jokes

David Beckham Jokes

THE Manchester United players are in the  dressing room on Saturday,
just before the game, when Roy Keane walks  in.
"Boss," he says, "there's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get
cortisone injection."
"Hey," says Becks. "If he's having a new  car, so am I."

David Beckham has gone crazy believing Posh has been having an affair on him. In manic rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Ruud Van Nistelroy.
Devastated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head.
"No, David don't do it." Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers...."I'm sorry and I know we can work this out."
"Shut up and sit back Victoria." Beckham replies. "You're next."

Alex Ferguson goes on 'Who wants to be a millionaire'.

He gets to the £500,000 question and Chris Tarrant asks him 'What animal
lives in a sett? Is it';

A Rabbit
B Cuckoo
C Sheep
D Badger

Fergie thinks for some time and says; 'that's a hard one, I'll have to
go 50:50'. Tarrant instructs the computer and Fergie is left with

B Cuckoo, and
D Badger

Fergie still isn't sure so he tells Chris; 'I' think I'll phone a
friend'. Tarrant is surprised when Fergie nominates the 'boy wonder'
Beckham to take the call.

Beckham answers the phone and is presented with the question and the 2
remaining options by Fergie. Beckham states with assured authority; It's
a badger boss'. Fergie asks if he's sure and gets confirmation from 'the
gifted one'. Fergie gives his reply to Tarrant and walks away with half
a million.

Next day in training Fergie says to Beckham; how come you were so sure
of the answer last night. Beckham said; ' that was easy boss - everyone
knows that a cuckoo lives in a clock."'

DAVID Beckham goes shopping, and sees  something interesting in the
kitchen department of a large department  store.
"What's that?" he asks. "A Thermos flask," replies the   assistant.
"What does it do?" asks Becks. The assistant tells him it keeps hot
things hot and cold things cold. Really impressed, Beckham buys one and
takes it
along to his next training  session.
"Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly. "It's  a Thermos
The lads are impressed.
"What does it do?"  they ask.
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,"says  David.
"And what have you got in it?" asks Roy Keane.
"Two cups of  coffee and a choc ice," replies David.

Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six
o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the
Clifton Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below.

Posh turns to Becks and says: "David, I bet you £5,000 that he jumps!"
to which Beckham replies "£5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't."

So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure enough, the
man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes £5,000
out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh.

But she refuses. "I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth
is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going
to jump."

"No, babe, fair's fair" says David. "That money is yours fair and square
I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I
just didn't think he would do it again."

POSH takes her  car into a garage to have some dents removed. The
mechanic, knowing she  isn't the brightest Spice Girl in the world, decides
play a joke on her.
"You don't need me to take those dents out," he   says. "Just blow up
the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back into  place."
So she takes the car home and tries it. David spots her from the  house,
opens a window and shouts:
"You silly cow! You have to wind the windows up first!"

David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank,
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."

DAVID Beckham is celebrating: "57  days, 57 days!" he shouts happily.
Posh asks him why he is celebrating.  He answers: "Well, I've done this
jigsaw in only 57 days."
"Is that good?" asks Posh.
"You bet," says David. "It says 3 to 5 years on the box."

Q: Why is David Beckham like a Ferrero Roche?
A: They both come in a posh box

Q: What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh?
A: Posh Spice doesn't kick back when she's taken from behind.

Q: What do David Beckham and British rail trains have in common.
A: They both go in and out of Victoria

Q: What do the England footbal team and Posh Spice both have in common?
A: They've both been screwed by David Beckham.

Q: Why did Posh Spice marry David Beckham?
A: Because he's the only fella who can lob Seaman at 60 yards!

DAVID Beckham had a near-death experience the other day when he went
Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking up and down
out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on but it was no good.
his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell head-first to the ground. His head
continued to bump on the ground as the horse refused to stop or even slow
Fortunately, however, there was a happy ending. Just as he was giving up
hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworth's' manager came along and
unplugged it.

POSH and Becks are travelling back from  Heathrow Airport to Central
"Where have you been?" asks  the cabby.
"New York," says Beckham.
"We saw a show and did some shopping."
"Did you have any nice meals?" asks the cabby.
"Yes, one really great one."
"What was the name of the  restaurant?" asks the cabby.
"Dunno. I can't remember. Name some big  railway stations in London,"
says Beckham.
The cabby begins:  "Waterloo, Paddington, Victoria  ..."
Beckham interrupts excitedly:  "That's it!  Victoria, what was the name
of that restaurant we went  to?"

Then, there are these:
Q: What do you do if  David Beckham throws a pin at you?
A: Run for your life ... he's got a  grenade in his mouth.

Q: What would David Beckham's name be if he were a Spice Girl?
A: Waste of Spice.

Q: What would the England team achieve with 11 David Beckhams?
A: An average IQ.

Alex Ferguson calls David Beckham into his office.

'David,'he says, 'I'm worried about your performance the last few games. You've been hopeless, completely off form.'

'Sorry, boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home.'

'Oh dear,' says Ferguson, pretending to care. 'What's up? Posh and Brooklyn okay?'

'Oh they're fine', says David. 'It's just that something's really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing me up.'

'Whatever's the matter, David?' says Fergie.

'Well, boss', says David, it's pretty serious. You see I'm really stuck on this jigsaw and...'

'A jigsaw?!!!' shouts Alex. 'You're f......g up every time you play because of a bloody jigsaw?!!!'

'Yeah, boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing myhead in!' says David in that horrible whining voice. 'It's really hard and it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and I even had my hair cut to try and cool my brain down and...'

'David, David, David,' says Ferguson. 'You've got to get a grip. It's affecting our games and nothing is as important as Manchester Uniteds' success, other than Roy Keane's wages, obviously.'

'Yeah, boss,' says David, 'but it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I really want to finish it but it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture..and it's a tiger and it's hard...and I can't make the bits fit and, er, it's really hard, er, boss and, er, it's a tiger, er,... on the'

Ferguson waits until even Beckham realises he's repeating himself and has got nothing else to say which took a bit longer than usual. 'David,' he says, with that conceited, irritating, smug smile he uses for self-congratulatory post-match interviews. 'Bring the tiger jigsaw in and let's have a look at it. For Christ's sake, we've got to get you back to playing football.'

'Oh thanks, boss,' says David, 'that'd be really helpful 'cos it's really hard and it's a picture of a tiger and it's doing my head in, that tiger is.'

So David brings the jigsaw into Ferguson's office.

'Here it is, boss.' He says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box. 'Look, boss, it's this tiger, right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture here of a tiger,' and Beckham empties all the pieces from the box all over Ferguson's desk.

'David,' sighs Ferguson, 'put the f*...g Frosties back in the box.'


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© 2008 Paul Kavanagh. All rights reserved.