Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense

Cooking Jokes

Cooking Jokes

A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.

"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."

"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."

Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.

Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had
died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years
mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their
mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master
bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all
this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course
that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges
everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing
the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch
with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied
with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old
man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you
like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get
sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his
hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was
wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault.
If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been
here ten years ago!"

Early one morning the Mole family awoke and Daddy mole climbed to the
top of the mole hole and sniffed the air.
"I smell bacon frying." he said.
Momma mole crowded in beside him and sniffed the air,
"I smell eggs cooking." she said.
Baby mole tried and tried to get to the top but there was no room left
so he said, "All I can smell is molasses!"

Why don't men cook at home?

No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.

A preacher goes to a nursing home to meet an elderly parishioner. As he
is sitting there he notices this bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes
one. As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after another.
By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty. He says,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."
"That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there. Without my
teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back."

How do women define a 50/50 relationship?

We cook- They eat.
We clean. They dirt.
We iron. They wrinkle.

Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?

"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"

A businessman had arranged an important formal dinner party at
his home where they were going to serve stuffed whole baked fish
as the main course. While the guests were eating the appetizer, the
cook came to the host and whispered "Please come urgently to the
kitchen." The host went to the kitchen where the cook explained that
while she was serving the starter, the cat ate a big chunk of the fish
which they were going to serve. The host said, "Just fill the hole
with stuffing and turn the other side up, nobody will notice."
The fish was served and when they were nearly finished eating, the
host was again called to the kitchen. The cook said, "The cat is dead!"
The host rushed back to the dinner party and apologized, "Something
was wrong with the fish and everyone must have their stomachs pumped
out at the hospital." When they came back everything was still fine
and the host went to ask the cook, "Where is the cat?"
"Oh," said the chef, "The cat is still by the road where the
truck ran it down!"

Food Spoilage Table

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers
from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the
egg is probably past its prime.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from
a three-block radius to congregate outside your house,
the meat is spoiled.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a
basketball should be disposed of. Carefully.

WINE
It should not taste like salad dressing.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense,
leafy undergrowth.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span
of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

The Top 10 Pickup Lines Used By Chefs:

10. "Your eyes are like limpid pools of chicken stock."
9. "I know we've just met, but will you marinade me?"
8. "Cumin here often?"
7. "How do you like your eggs? Poached, scrambled, or fertilized?"
6. "Care to come back to my place and kick it up a notch?"
5. "Hey, weren't you in my 'Introduction to Melons' class?"
4. "We've now simmered for the recommended 25 minutes - time to
come to a full boil!"
3. "You're twice as sweet as a creme brulee - and less drippy."
2. "Get the buttah."
... and the Number 1 Pickup Line used by Chefs:
1. "Uh, yeah ... I invented Spaghetti-O's"

The Top 10 Signs the Antichrist is a Vegetarian:

10. Instead of roasting the flesh of infidels, the fires of Hell
are now just used to roast marshmallows.
9. Local organic gardens finding unprecedented crop yield when
planted in a pentagram configuration.
8. The new line of Satan's Own salad dressings ("All after-tax
profits go to Hell").
7. As the apocalypse begins, every Outback Steakhouse is reduced
to a pile of cinders.
6. His black shroud is really just an XXXL "Meat is Murder"
T-shirt turned inside out.
5. Tofu burritos are in short supply whenever he's in town.
4. Gardenburger now offers patties in the shape of a
Christian child.
3. Has started ordering his disciples to cut back on the goat
sacrifices in favor of a vegan alternative.
2. At his restaurant, International House of Tofu (IHOT), it's
$6.66 for the burrito dinner.
... and the #1 Sign the Antichrist is a Vegetarian:
1. Instead of fishermen, his disciples are lactose intolerant
acrylic fleece sweater makers.

The Top 10 Signs You're Eating Genetically Modified Food:

10. Your green beans are attempting a split flanking maneuver on
your clearly surprised mashed potatoes.
9. Whenever Gallagher appears on TV, your watermelon leaps
up, grabs the remote and shuts off the set.
8. It tastes the same, but now the asparagus leaves your
bathroom smelling April fresh.
7. You use the leftover chicken as a nightlight for your
kid's room.
6. The label says that your buffalo chicken wings are made
from REAL flying bison.
5. An apple a day... cures leukemia.
4. Family of seven, one turkey -- yet everyone gets a drumstick.
3. Your Ginsu knives are suddenly afraid of the tomatoes.
2. Chocchini: Looks like zucchini, tastes like a Ding-Dong.
... and the #1 Sign You're Eating Genetically Modified Food:
1. A SWAT team is ordering the Chalupa to drop *you*.

 

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© 2008 Paul Kavanagh. All rights reserved.