Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense

Celtic Jokes

Celtic Joles

Q: If you see a Celtic fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve and hit him?
A: You don't want to damage your bike, do you?

A Celtic fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Green and white top. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter.
"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Celtic fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no
Celtic fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the
Celtic supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me.
Here's your thirty quid back, now fuck off".

Q: Do you know what Celtic really stands for?
A: Celtic Even Lost To Inverness Caley

It's with great sadness that I report Celtic Park was broken into last night. The entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. Strathclyde police are believed to be looking for a man with a green carpet.

Q: What would you call 2 Sellik fans going over a cliff in a green Renualt Espace?
A: A complete waste of space. You could have squeezed 8 of them into one of those.

A shabby looking young man wearing a Celtic shirt knocks on the pearly gates and asks to be let in. Saint Peter says "I don't know. Have you ever done anything good like given money to the poor?"
"No." replied the
"Helped a widow or orphan?"
"No." replied the
"Helped a little old lady across a street?"
"No." replied the
"Well then, why should I let you in?"
"I did do something very brave once." Said the
"And what was that?" asked Peter
"I went to Ibrox to see an Old Firm game and stood in the stands with the huns decked in full Celtic
"My, that is brave!. When did you do that?"
"About 3 minutes ago...".

An old man hands over 50 quid to the turnstyle operator at Celtic Park
Man: Two please.
Turnstyle Operator: Sir, will that be Defenders or Strikers?

Parkhead directors called an urgent meeting last night. It's alleged they are considering the replacement of John Barnes with Steven Hendry. When asked why, they replied: "we don't just need the points now, we need snookers!"

Alex McLeish was looking to sign some new players to help Rangers title push, so he sent his chief scout Ewan Chester to Afghanistan to search for some new talent. Sure enough, the scout finds an outstanding 18-year-old striker and immediately signs him on a 3-year deal.

On getting back to Scotland,
McLeish takes one look at him in training and immediately puts him in the starting line up for the big away game against Celtic.

The new lad is fantastic, he scores a hat trick and creates four more as
Rangers romp it 7-0. Ecstatic after the game the young lad phones his mum to tell her the good news.

"Mum" he says, "I've just made my debut and had a great game. The team loves me, the fans love me and the press loves me, even them twats on the radio clyde phone in love me. Life is great!"

"Well," says his mum, "I'm glad life is great for you. Shall I tell you what happened to us today?. Your Dad's been murdered in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten in broad daylight, and your brother's joined a vicious gang of killers".

"Mum, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry" "Sorry?" She yells down the phone, "You're fucking sorry? It's YOUR fucking fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place!!"

Harald Brattbakk's wife wanted him locked up - she had had enough of the eejit.
So she went to the police and told them: "Please Help, my husband has been hitting me."
The Police gave sound advice: "Ma'm, don't worry. Just carry a goalpost in each hand - I guarantee he'll never hit you."

A Rangers fan and a Celtic fan get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars (with football stickers on windows) are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic fan says, "So you're a Rangers fan, that's interesting. I'm a Celtic fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There totally wrecked, but fortunately we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends putting our differences behind us." The Rangers fan replied," I agree with you completely, this must indeed be a sign from God!" The Rangers fan continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Rangers fan. The Rangers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan asks, "Aren't you having any?"
Rangers fan grins and then replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

There's a rumour that after the NTL sponsorship expires, Celtic have lined up a new sponsor - Tampax.
The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period.

Q: What's the difference between a Tim and a bucket of crap?
A: A: The bucket...

A Rangers fan and a Celtic fan are walking along a beach, when they see an old bottle.
The Celtic fan
picks it up, and takes out the cork.
Out pops a genie who says, "I am the football genie. I grant 3 wishes each."
wish 1 - "OK then," the Celtic fan
says, "I wish every person in Glasgow was female apart from me."
wish 1 - "I'd like a superbike," says the Rangers fan
wish 2 - The Celtic fan, wanting better than the Rangers fan
says, "I wish everyone in Europe was female apart from me."
wish 2 - "I'd like a helmet for my bike," says the Rangers fan
final wish -"I wish everyone in the World was female apart from me." says the Celtic fan
final wish - "I wish the Celtic fan to be gay!" retorts the Rangers fan!

I'm glad to report that a new green and white Oxo Cube will be introduced early next year. It will be called "Laughing Stock".

Q: What do you call a Tim in Europe after Xmas?
A: A tourist...

How do you get a one armed Irish Celtic fan down from a tree? ... wave at him...

Q: Why did the Tic fan cross the road?
A: Cos Sutton was on shooting practice.

A Timette goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker "10" replies the Timette
"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Declan, Declan, Declan, Declan, Declan, Declan, Declan, Declan, Declan and Declan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Timette "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout DECLAAAN, YER DINNER'S READY or DECLAN GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the Timette... "I just use their surnames"

Q: How do you keep a Sellik fan busy?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.



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© 2008 Paul Kavanagh. All rights reserved.