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Barack Obama Jokes

Q. Why is Barack Obama so thin and scrawny?
A. If he were any heavier he wouldn't be able to walk on water.

 Obama's staff is preparing for his first press conference as President. They're busy writing the questions.

 Q. What will the difference be between President Obama and Karl Marx?
A. Nobody knows.

 Unlike former Presidents, Obama is not a member of the NRA, National Rifle Association. He's joined William Ayers organization instead. The NBA, the National Bombers Association.

 Q. Why won't President Obama have a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner?
A. Vice President Biden will be out of town.

 Between now and his inauguration as President on January 20th, Obama intends to clean out his Senate office. That is, if he can remember where it is.

 Q. Why is the Secret Service installing lighting rods at the White House?
A. To protect President Obama as he takes his Oath of Office.

 As President, Obama intends to run the country's finances just like he ran his household finances. He's got a book of blank checks

Q. Why will Obama hold a séance once he's in the White House?
A. So that he can thank everybody who voted for him.

 President elect Obama has arranged for his first meeting with foreign leaders from other countries to demonstrate his foreign policy expertise. It's scheduled to run for five minutes.

 Q. What will America's national bird be when Obama takes office?
A. His middle finger.

 

 Q. Why will Obama ride in the back of a Presidential limousine?
A. The Vatican wouldn't sell him a Pope-Mobile.

 Q. How will President Obama oppose Russia's invasion of Georgia?
A. He'll send troops to Atlanta.

 Q. Why will President Obama get a new puppy for the White House?
A. Joe Biden is getting on in years.

 Q. What’s black and blue and dead all over?
A. Anyone who dares to tell a joke about President Obama in public.

 Q. What do SIMBA and OBAMA have in common?
A. They're both cartoons.

 Q. Why will President Obama bulldoze the Rose Garden?
A. He doesn't want any bushes at the White House.

 Q. What will President Obama replace the rose bushes with?
A. Opium poppies.

Obama Is So Pretty

Obama is so pretty that the new symbol of the Democrat Party will be a unicorn

Obama is so pretty that Bill Clinton wants to intern for him

Obama is so pretty that the White House Rose Garden will need to triple in size

Obama is so pretty that his anti-matter version is James Carville

Obama is so pretty that his supporters think that he's smart

Obama is so pretty that he won't ride in Ted Kennedy's car

Obama is so pretty that he would be a 10 if his Daddy owned a liquor store

Obama is so pretty that he would even look good in a Hillary pantsuit

Obama is so pretty that when he goes to Iraq he has to wear a Burka

Obama is so pretty that he gives John Edwards makeup tips

Obama is so pretty that his mirror on the wall was struck speechless

Obama is so pretty that he can wear white after labor day

***

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota . There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties.

At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish. Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another ‘bad hair’ day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, ‘Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin’ son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don’t even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.’ The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry Reid said to Obama, ‘Well, tell me, how is he cheating?’

Obama replied, ‘Harry, you’re not going to believe this, but he’s cutting holes in the ice!’

***

 Vote for Barack Obama

Q. Why will Jimmy Carter vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because Jimmy doesn't want to be the worst President in history.


Q. Why will Senator Hillary Clinton vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because he stole the primary election fair and square.

Q. Why will Jane Fonda vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because Ho Chi Minh is dead.


Q. Why will Ho Chi Minh vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because Ho Chi Minh is dead.


Q. Why will Jay Leno vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because he's running out of George Bush jokes.


Q. Why will David Letterman vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because he's running out of Jay Leno's George Bush jokes.


Q. Why will Britney Spears vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because she's running out of other crazy things to do.


Q. Why will Senator Ted Kennedy vote for Barack Obama?
A. Brain tumor.


Q. Will Senator Larry Craig vote for Barack Obama?
A. He'll stall first.


Q. How will Osama Bin Laden vote for Barack Obama?
A. Absentee ballot.


Q. Why will Bill Ayers vote for Barack Obama?
A. Bill thinks Obama's the bomb.


Q. Why will sharks vote for Barack Obama?
A. Professional courtesy.

*********************

Popular Barack Obama Jokes

Q. Why won’t Obama laugh at himself?
A. Because it would be racist.

Q. How can you tell when Obama has been smoking dope?
A. He answers the door when the phone rings.

Q. Why did Obama think that he had campaigned in 57 states?
A. His heavy pot use has left him a brownie short of a full pan.

Like any experienced Chicago politician, Obama would go the cemetary to register voters. One night he came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn't make out the name on the tombstone. The staffer holding the flashlight got impatient and suggested they just move on to the next plot. Obama angrily exclaimed, "This person has a much right to vote as anyone else here!"

Bill Clinton said, “I didn’t inhale.”
Barack Obama says, “I didn’t inject.”

Richard Nixon said “I am not a crook!”
Barack Obama says “I am not on crack!”

Harry Truman said, “The buck stops here!”
Barack Obama says, “Leave the bucks here!”
 
Q. What’s the difference between Ross Perot and Barack Obama?
A. Ross Perot is crackpot with big ears; Barack Obama is a pothead with big ears.

Anagrams
President Barack Obama = Arab base, pink Democrat
President Barack Hussein Obama = A Democrat speaks inane rubbish

Q. What do Obama and Osama have in common?
A. They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon.

Q. Why doesn’t Barack drink Pepsi?
A. He thinks that things go better with coke.

Q. Why wouldn’t Barack salute the American flag?
A. It was ours.

Q. Why did Obama change his name from Barry to Barack?
A. He thought Barry sounded too American.
 
Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Barack Obama.

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, 'Obama in '08 .' I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

*********************

Barack Obama's Fake Birth Certificate

Q. Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?

A. He's deciding which of his names (Barack Barry Hussein Obama Soetoro) to put on it.

***

Q. Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?

A. The ink isn't dry yet.

***

Q. Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?

A. Hillary Clinton won't give it back to him.

***

Q. Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?

A. He wants to surprise us at his swearing in.

***

Q. Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?

A. He accidently smoked it.

***

Q. Why won't Obama Messiah release his real birth certificate?

A. It shows that he didn't have a virgin birth.

***

Q. Why won't Obama Messiah release his real birth certificate?

A. It got mixed in with his Rezko mortgage records and shredded.

*********************

Twas the Night Before Elections . . .


Twas the night before elections
And all through the town
Tempers were flaring
Emotions all up and down!
    
I, in my bathrobe
With a cat in my lap
Had cut off the TV
Tired of political crap.
    
When all of a sudden
There arose such a noise
I peered out of my window
Saw Obama and his boys
    
They had come for my wallet*
They wanted my pay*
To give to the others*
Who had not worked a day!*
    
He snatched up my money
And quick as a wink
Jumped back on his bandwagon
As I gagged from the stink
    
He then rallied his henchmen
Who were pulling his cart
I could tell they were out
To tear my country apart!
    
On Fannie, on Freddie,
On Biden and Ayers!
On Acorn, On Pelosi'
He screamed at the pairs!
    
They took off for his cause
And as he flew out of sight
I heard him laugh at the nation
Who wouldn't stand up and fight!
    
So I leave you to think
On this one final note-
IF YOU DONT WANT SOCIALISM
GET OUT AND VOTE!!!!

 

 

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© 2008 Paul Kavanagh. All rights reserved.