Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense

Bad Jokes


IF at first you don't succeed . . . then skydiving isn't for you.
WHY is it not safe to nod off on trains? Because they run over sleepers.
DID you hear about the labrador that flew a Spitfire in the Second World War? He was always involved in dog fights.
HOW do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave till its bill withers!
I WAS reading in the paper today about this dwarf who had his pocket picked. How could anyone stoop so low?
NEW parents on Tyneside are naming their babies Keegan as experts assure them they'll be walking within eight months.
A BLONDE was asked to check if her fella's indicator lights were working. She yelled back: 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...'
WHAT does a Newcastle fan do after his team has beaten Real Madrid in the Champions League? Turns off his PlayStation and goes to bed.
AMY Winehouse went to Glastonbury but had to wade through dirt, rubbish and people lying around everywhere.... just to leave her flat.
I RANG up my local swimming baths and said: "Is that the local swimming baths?" A man answered and said: "It depends where you're calling from."
HOW does Posh Spice keep her husband under control? He's at her Beckham call.

WHAT did the elephant say to the naked man? 'How do you breathe through that thing?'
A YOUNG lady asked me: 'Can you spare two minutes for cancer research?' I said: 'OK, but we won't get a lot done.'
WHO makes suits and eats spinach? Popeye the Tailorman.
WHAT do you call a Roman emperor with flu? Julius Sneezer.
HOW do crazy people go through the forest? By the psycho path.
WHAT do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
DID you hear about the baked bean birthday cake? It blew itself out.
A PENGUIN goes into a pub and asks the barman: "Have you seen my brother?" The barman replies: "What does he look like?"
WHAT do Tottenham Hotspur and a toothpick have in common? Both have only two points.
WHY did Bono fall off the stage? He got too close to the Edge.
Two oranges walk into a bar. One says: "You're round."
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Odd sense of humour my plumber has..
WHY are pirates called pirates? Because they "Aarrrrrrr!"
A LORRY loaded with Vicks VapoRub has overturned on the M6. Police have said there will be no congestion for eight hours.
CUSTOMER: May I try on that dress in the window, please?
Clerk: No, ma'am. You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.
A police station toilet has been stolen. Cops have nothing to go on.
A WOMAN woke her husband in the middle of the night and told him "there's a burglar in the kitchen and he is eating the cake my mother made for us."
The husband said: "Who shall I call, the police or an ambulance?"
A WOMAN stands in the nude looking in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband: "I feel horrible. I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."
The husband replies: "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
A GUY walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on his shoulder. He says to the barman: "Give us a pint — and one for the road."
WHAT has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table
THEY call it PMS because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken.
MY husband and I got divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
WHAT do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
WHAT do Eskimos get from sitting on ice too long?
Polaroids.
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WHY don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
SENIOR Labour figures gave us their top jokes...
Ex-Home Secretary David Blunkett: A stuttering Labour supporter goes to the loo after hearing fellow stutterer Nye Bevan make a barnstorming conference speech and finds himself next to the great orator.
"Th-th-th-that was a v-v-v-very g-g-g- good s-s-s-speech," he remarked. Bevan turned to him and replied: "Stop taking the p-p-p-p-p-p***."
CULTURE Secretary James Purnell: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fish.
TRANSPORT Secretary Ruth Kelly: Why is 6 so afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
SCHOOLS Secretary Ed Balls couldn't resist cracking a joke about his unfortunate surname: "If you think it was bad for me at school, just imagine what it was like for my sister Ophelia."
I RANG up a local building firm and said: "I want a skip outside my house."
This bloke said: "I'm not stopping you."
WHAT did the grape say when it got run over?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

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© 2008 Paul Kavanagh. All rights reserved.