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Anti-Women Jokes

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

I married Mrs Right the first time round.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a perfectly good clock on the cooker. ...

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." ...

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll stop whining once you let him in.

A group of single women are on holiday when they see a large hotel with a sign that reads: "For Single Women Only." Curious they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive man, explains to them how it  works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor, and once you  find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's on that floor."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:  "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends  laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here  are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so,  knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in  when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there really is no way to please a woman.

Words only women use:

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

Why is a Laundrette a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ...

 

 

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