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Alan Johnson Jokes

Alan Johnson Jokes
  • Tony Blair, bested in the fight to force Roman Catholic adoption agencies to consider same-sex couples, had a question for the man who had masterminded his defeat. “How come you — Alan Johnson — are a bigger gay icon than I am?” the then Prime Minister asked. It is the sort of joke one top-flight politician could make only to another;
  • It was the postman Alan Johnsons’s last day on the job after years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, bacon, sausage, and freshly squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a fiver sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge."All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

He said, 'Screw him, give him a fiver.'" The lady smiled and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

  • The health minister Alan Johnson is visiting a psychiatric ward. He asks the head of psychology, "How do you determine if a patient is cured."The psychologist explains:"We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub.""I see," says the health minister Alan Johnson, "the cured person would choose the cup because it`s bigger, and would empty the tub faster.""Actually no," replies the psychologist, "a normal person would simply pull the plug."

·         The NHS under Alan Johnson: Differences in treatment

Patient A & Patient B both have knee pains and both needed knee replacement surgeries.

Patient A booked an appointment and was seen within the same day , given a X-ray, MRI and had surgery done three days later.

Patient B saw his GP , waited for 1 month for an appointment before getting to see a trainee specialist. She came back 2 weeks later for an X-ray and 4 weeks later for an MRI appointment. She had her X-ray and MRI reports reviewed 2 months later by a senior orthopaedic surgeon. She saw the medical social worker 3 months later and was finally scheduled for surgery 6 months later. Why is there such a vast difference in the treatment and urgency for treatment between the two patients?

Answer: Patient A is a Golden Retriever and Patient B is a poor Senior Citizen

·         Alan Johnson consults his doctor

Alan Johnson went for see his doctor because he felt terrible.

Doctor: Let me review your history first. How much alcohol do you drink a week?

AJ: It is a sin to drink alcohol. I never touch a single drop

Doctor: Do you smoke?

AJ: I hate smokers and I don’t smoke.

Doctor: Are you married?

AJ: Nope, I want to keep myself pure in case I get AIDS

Doctor: What time do you sleep at night?

AJ: 10pm on sharp every night.

Doctor: You must be having bad headache everyday.

AJ: Yes, but how do you know?

Doctor: Well, the bright halo over your head is definitely too tight for you.

  • Alan Johnson has some exciting news!! He is to release his new play to support his bid for the leardership.
    Alan Johnson read in The Sun, a downmarket gutter tabloid whose only saving grace is its support for the Labour Party, that America's toughest sheriff says that Britain must 'get tough' in its treatment of criminals and that Wandsworth Prison should be less of a holiday camp.
    Well, Excu-use ME! Perhaps this gung-ho Yankee-Doodle should be reminded just whose country this is! In the Labour Party we have a reputation for keeping things uniquely British; ie, us in command rather than bleeding Washington. 51st State indeed! Just don't get me started.
    Prisoners kept in tents being made to work off their sentences in the desert? I wouldn't like to be a victim of that, would you? Just my point!
    The Public, pah!, fall into line with such Americanised Guantanamo-essnessness. Bigots often do. But let us examine the issue uncritically. In my book, Leftwinger Speaks The Truth, there appears the statement:
    The harder a penal system treats its criminals, the greater the likelihood of re-offence (even though this contradicts sharply with other collated evidence).
    This hard, cold fact (it is a Labour-printed one after all) brings us to the inevitable conclusion that if these criminals will re-offend anyway then any Labour controlled penal system would have no option but to discontinue the practice of treating them as beasts in cages.
    Doesn't the American viewpoint look silly now, eh?!
    We get more of a favourable response from prisoners by telling them to just be reasonable. There's no need for naughtiness, there's just no need for it. We must Rehabilitate, not punish.
    In Alan Johnsons play, Slaves And Slavemasters, a re-assuringly clear light is shone into the process of humanisation in our jails. A docu-drama, it focuses on a prison governor and inmate whose destinies have been thrown together in the hurricane of trendy-leftist socio-political theorum. Here is a clip:
    GOVERNOR:  Thank you for popping along, do sit down. I won't call you number 5025137 because numbers are so cold and informal. Please sit down Mr. Robinson.
    PRISONER:  Don't mind if I do. (sits) This is a nice. comfy chair.
    GOVERNOR:  Just like the ones in your cell. I'm glad you like them.
    PRISONER:  Yes, yes. Now, what did you want to talk to me about?
    GOVERNOR:  Well, I'd like to humbly and respectfully ask you if you wouldn't mind not committing any more crimes ever again. After all, your parole meeting's coming up and you wouldn't want me to look a fool do you. I have high hopes for you you know.
    PRISONER:  That's something of a hard question. Crime's a condition. You know full well that you can't just switch it on and off.
    GOVERNOR:  I know, but please try. When you finish your two-month sentence for robbing people at gunpoint you can say you've done your porridge for those crimes and that you can start afresh in life with a clean slate. The State can help you re-integrate now, just remember. We'll even protect you from an angry public. Isn't that nice.
    PRISONER:  It's been a terrible experience in here. I mean, I lost my freedom and liberty! It's a man's Human Right to have those, even in prison.
    GOVERNOR:  I know, I know. Well, you can still vote. And I hope you don't feel too bad that for an entire third of your stay here you couldn't play in the pool room as it was being re-decorated.
    PRISONER:  Well, I suppose I can let you off. If it wasn't for the NTL feed in my cell, I'd have gone totally beserk on all you people here.
    GOVERNOR:  A credit to us that you didn't!
    PRISONER:  And I also considered playing some sports, but I didn't because I'm not the running-about type. And when that Head Warder tried to make me I stood up to him and said No! The threat of a knuckle-sandwich soon put that bully in his place.
    GOVERNOR:  Yes, and I apologise once again. You'll be pleased to note that I've docked his wages again for this act of aggression.
    PRISONER:  And I should think so too.
    GOVERNOR:  You see, I quite understand. So why this continuing hostility from prisoners to warders?
    PRISONER:  Well, you're the Pigs who keep us locked in here.
    GOVERNOR:  Only because if we didn't keep you in here, sorry as we are to do so, the Public would mob against you and the entire Labour Party in an act of unruly anarchy. We have to have it this way.
    (Governor and Prisoner hug)
    PRISONER:  There, there. It's alright. Let us bond.
    GOVERNOR:  Yes, I like bonding. Thanks to Alan Johnson and all his friends in the Labour cabinet, there is a new spirit of harmony and peace in today's prison service.
    PRISONER:  Yes, yes. They've helped me. Labour must never be voted out.
    (Long pause. They stop hugging.)
    GOVERNOR:  So don't commit any more crimes. There'll be a nice benefits and jobseeking programme waiting for you.
    PRISONER:  Oh yes, I'd love to fulfil my ambition and potential. But growing up under Margaret Thatcher and enduring the kind of poverty which forced me to mug old ladies and run away laughing, what chance did I have of becoming a doctor or physician?
    GOVERNOR:  (crying) What a sad story! And every prisoner has one. Now there's a pattern if ever I saw one! If it wasn't for the fact that the Public are a bunch of neo-Nazi white skinheads who vote BNP, formerly Tory, then you could have been a scientist by now.
    PRISONER:  But instead I've been pigeon-holed in the 'criminal' bracket, where I've been abused and degraded for years. But with you and the entire Labour Establishment behind me I can have the confidence to try my absolute hardest and never commit any more crimes. Er, except raiding sub-post offices.
    GOVERNOR:  What?
    (Prisoner laughs. Then Governor.)
    GOVERNOR:  Oh, I see! Ha ha ha ha!
    There it is. Proof indeed that the system WORKS! And as Channel Four are screening it next week I can say that you have the ultimate evidence of that. And because I know what media and public reaction will be to my masterwork, here's the main body of my letters to the papers in advance:
    Have you not learned any lessons at all from the piece? Did you feel the spirit of harmony now that the Labour Party's involved in the judicial and penal systems? IT'S LIKE THAT!
    I spent a night in a prison cell for my research. And I didn't like it. The carpet was too tough on my feet and the bedsprings made a noise. That kind of hardship IS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG!
    So next time you're sitting about enjoying your freedom and liberty, show some understanding for the poor criminals, forced to sit idly in jail whilst you allegedly struggle to pay your bills despite your 'overtime'. OVERTIME? A LEFT WINGER'S JOB IS 24/7 and YOU DON'T HEAR ME WHINING! For God's Sake, get a grip!
    I like to think you've come away wiser today. But I bet you haven't.
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